Love you Mom

Dear Mom …
I just wish you were here now. I could use your comforting words. Because we went through a lot through out the years. I just bet you would have something helpful to say over all this.
I love you Mom

Pic of My Mom’s Life

Dear Mom …

I have started that letter so many times. But ended up tearing it to shreds instead.
Yes, I know she is gone. But sometimes it does help to put it all down on paper … not for that person but as for yourself. Problem being, it still hurts too much. Plus mentally & emotionally I am just not ready.

2 months since my Mom passed, almost to the hour. But I still want to call her up to just talk to her, about anything. I want to be able to hear her voice, and know she is still here with us. To fool myself into still having her in our lives. But 2 months ago, I sat by her bed telling her it was ok to pass. Because I hated seeing her in the coma she was in. I hated watching her slowly pass … I hated loosing my Mom.
I still hope to wake up each morning & get a call from my Mom. To wake up out of the nightmare of all of this.

2 months … and the pain is still there. It hurts so much. Until I can find some way of letting that pain go, I don’t think I will ever be able to fully accept my Mom’s passing.

I hurt over my Mom’s passing … and I will NEVER forgive those who hurt our family for so long. Yet, tried to be “family” for the last few months. I will never forgive or forget …

Just cannot grieve

My mother passed away in Nov. I have cried a little here & there but I just cannot grieve. I still want her here, thinking that one day I will wake up and she will still be alive.
I am not upset with my Mom. The cancer is what killed her & she fought it so hard. She kept saying “I am a survivor” … she did the chemo to stay with us. But sadly it did not work.
I am not upset with those who medically cared for her. They tried their hardest to help keep her with us.

I am angry because of the type of cancer she had. It spread so fast, and tore my Mom to pieces. She did not deserve to die like she did, but she did die at home with her family caring for her.
I am angry because, in a selfish way, I want her back. I want to call her phone & hear her voice. Make plans to go visit. Give her & me more memories together.

Instead, I am without my Mom. A woman who did her best raising her children. Who was always there for us. Who spent the summer with her grandchildren. A woman who was simply amazing ….

I just want to complete grieve, but I cannot find away to let her go. To come to terms that she is no longer with us. Yes she is in my heart … but that’s not enough. I am just wanting her back, back the way she was before the cancer tore her to pieces. But I cannot have her back … just how do you find away to fully grieve? How do you find away let her go? How do you accept that you will never speak, hug or make other memories with your Mom? Because I just cannot find away to let go … pretty selfish of me, isn’t it?