Love you Mom

Dear Mom …
I just wish you were here now. I could use your comforting words. Because we went through a lot through out the years. I just bet you would have something helpful to say over all this.
I love you Mom

Pic of My Mom’s Life

Dear Mom …

I have started that letter so many times. But ended up tearing it to shreds instead.
Yes, I know she is gone. But sometimes it does help to put it all down on paper … not for that person but as for yourself. Problem being, it still hurts too much. Plus mentally & emotionally I am just not ready.

2 months since my Mom passed, almost to the hour. But I still want to call her up to just talk to her, about anything. I want to be able to hear her voice, and know she is still here with us. To fool myself into still having her in our lives. But 2 months ago, I sat by her bed telling her it was ok to pass. Because I hated seeing her in the coma she was in. I hated watching her slowly pass … I hated loosing my Mom.
I still hope to wake up each morning & get a call from my Mom. To wake up out of the nightmare of all of this.

2 months … and the pain is still there. It hurts so much. Until I can find some way of letting that pain go, I don’t think I will ever be able to fully accept my Mom’s passing.

I hurt over my Mom’s passing … and I will NEVER forgive those who hurt our family for so long. Yet, tried to be “family” for the last few months. I will never forgive or forget …

Oct 20–Oct 26 ~ Update on Mom/Grandma

Saturday ~ Last week was very hard on Mom/GrandMa, physically & emotionally. She has eaten a bit, but is using the time to rest. She is going to church with her Dad, he is all excited about it ... which makes her happy. It was going to be a surprise, but she felt like she had to give him something positive instead of “bad news” about her. It made them both happy, and that I am grateful for. Also, Cathy & Mike McA stopped by, which was great for Mom. They had her laughing, which is something we have not seen in days. She is always grateful for visiting family & friends, they help her more than they can imagine.
Even though this last week has been tough on Mom, she has been trying to make each day a good day. She has goals that she is trying to make. When she hit’s those goals, she makes another. That is the best thing for her to do right now. This coming week she is kicked into surviving long that the docs gave her. Her quote “I AM A SURVIVOR”

Sunday ~ Today Mom went to church with her dad & sister, Karen. She enjoyed the service & seeing all the people she knew. But sadly, she was unable able to sit though the entire service. She was a little upset that they had to leave so soon. She received many well wishes and offers of prayer from the congregation. She sang, cried, and was simply grateful to be there with her dad ... it meant a lot to both of them.
But sadly, it seems that the rest of today she will be down. The trip & service where pushing just a little. She is still able to get up & move around, but mainly is resting because tomorrow is Chemo treatment.
Oh in case you didn’t notice, I am writing these day by day, instead of trying to remember everything at the end of the week.

Monday ~ Chemo did not go as planned. It would appear that the current treatments (2 different types of chemo) were no longer working. The cancer adapted to them. There is one more type of chemo they will start up next week. Mom will go in for 2-4 hours, for lab work & various other items (nausea meds, potassium, etc.). Then they will attach a pump to her for approximately 2 days. She will not have to sit through 8 hrs. of chemo each Monday. Right now, we are unsure if this is a weekly treatment or ever other week. I will let you know in the following update.
Mom was grateful for not having to go through chemo today. It was like she knew it wasn’t working the way they wanted it to. Plus it was completely wiping her out. She is up and moving today, which compared to this weekend, is simply amazing. She still has her sense of humor, because she found a way to joke & laugh when being teased. (Which do happen but with all the extra stress ... it’s not too often lately)
But keep in mind that there is no expiration date on her feet or any where on her body. She will do her best to keep fighting this ... but keep in mind, that eventually she will be worn out by the constant fighting. We all must be prepared for that day; whether we like it/don’t like it, or accepting it/not accepting it. Mom wants us all to stick together & remember her in the positives ways she tried to remember others.

Tuesday ~ This day was a day of resting. No appointments, no driving all over the place ... just a beautiful day to sit outside and enjoy it. Mom just loved it, because she didn’t have to wear a jacket or coat. The breeze was one of those “just right” types. Not too cold or hot. Simply a beautiful day.
Karie O stopped to see her big sis, and she brought a lovely floral plant ... it is beautiful. Plus she gave Mom a figurine with a scarecrow that has “Autumn” on it. Mom really enjoyed see her sis, they talked for what seemed like hours ... I think it was good for both of them. (Thanks Karie for coming by)
Later that night, Mom read the info on her pending Chemo. She talked to Dad & I about it, told us it’s there when we want to read it. Plus she told us how she felt after reading it. I think it did her some good to have some idea as to what they are giving her. She will be Folfox, you can look it up online to get more info ... otherwise this email would be pages long

Wednesday ~ Not much happened today. It was more of a resting day. Mom is trying very hard to prep herself for the Folfox treatment. Which means drinking ROOM TEMP beverages, bundling up .... down that line of thinking. She is just trying really hard to get read for this treatment pending on Monday. But she is so grateful that Dad, Karyl W & I will all be there, this way all of us know about the pump. She is gonna talk to her other siblings to see if they would go to the following apt so they can learn about the pump, which will relieve her mind (LOL and give Dad & I a break ). I think it would be good for those who are local to go with her, they have been simply amazing ... and this way, they can ask the nurses & doc questions they may have. It has been so hard on everyone.

Thursday ~ Learning to bundle up isn’t not something Mom likes to do. Todays weather showed that .... but I will say she is trying!! Mom is still emotional about the passing of her brother. It is really hard on her siblings & herself, and it makes her want to fight even harder. Yesterday, I was a bit worried because it’s been a week since she found out, but she is slowly going though the “grieving process” ... it has been a hard week for all the siblings & her dad. I am just grateful it has pulled them closer together.

Friday ~ Started off bad, but Mom decided it would be a good day no matter what. Her sister, Karen L, stopped by ... she really enjoyed that time. Yea, I think they talked for hours, even though it wasn’t actually that long . It was ups & downs all day, but Mom worked really hard on keep her head up & enjoying the cold weather.
Her eating has gotten a lot better. And she is working to prepare for the new chemo on Monday. She has to learn to bundle up because of possible nerve damage. But with the loss of her brother, she is determined that she will be here for a while ... Go Mom!!!!

3 months

My dad called, but he also sent an email. Life is just tearing us a part …

There is no easy way to say this, so I will just lay out the facts as we were told.

They were able to identify the primary source of the cancer as being in her bile duct. It is a very aggressive type of cancer and is in its advanced stages in her liver. As you know it is classified as stage IV liver cancer. This disease carries a very poor survival of less than 3 months. But that is a worse case scenario. Hopefully the chemo will be able to slow the progress of the cancer and give her more time.

Right now the clinic is going thru the paperwork drill with TRICARE to ensure they will pay for everything. Once that is done we will be notified of a date to start her chemo treatments. She will go in for the chemo one day and then back the next day to get IVs to flush her system. This will be repeated the following week and then she will get a weeks break before beginning the cycle all over again.

For now Mom is pretty much in a state of shock and trying to adjust to what she has been told today. Please hold any calls until maybe tomorrow to give her time to compose herself and maybe get some rest. She is sleeping right now, as the news we were given has left her mentally and physically drained.

If any of you want/need to talk to me I will be home the rest of today. I am sorry to have to be the one to tell you this horrible news.

Dad

Yesterday I lost my GrandDad … but he’s still alive

There was a post on FB where my Mom’s dad (he use to be my GrandDad) told Mom not to worry about the blood sugar and the rest of her medical problems. He told her that she has to stop thinking about herself, to stop being “me-centered” and that she need to start thinking about others.
The problem with this is my Mom was posting what was going on, but joking about it. She believes that working through hard issues should require laughter & joking. She has been working with handling a broken foot, blood pressure issues & pulse issues, and recently diabetes. She has joked about these, but keep her family involved. Sadly, her father did not see it that way.
I posted a tactful, respectful, and polite post explaining this to him. I told him that we were raised to handle situations, but to also find a way to laugh at them. Which has helped us eventually deal with them. Plus it keeps us from being over stressed. My Dad taught my Mom, and they both taught my brothers & I. I even told him that I loved him.

Yesterday, just before 5:14PM (the time my husband called after the event) I walked into his home. He was ranting to his son Chris, and probably Karyl (who cause so many freaking problems). Chris sound like he was trying to reason with him, by telling him we basically do things differently and did not mean to upset him. Well, Mom & Dad stopped, but I went straight to him. I was going to give him a hug, because I know he has been going through so much with the death of GrandAnn (his wife & my grandmother).
The second he saw me, he started in on how he was not going to listen to any more about the FB post. I tried to interrupt by telling him I just wanted to give him a hug. But he kept ranting and cursing at me … yes, the man who is suppose to be my grandfather decided to curse me up one side & down the other plus he told me it was MY fault (????how) that he was back on some medication, that he was off of. In this process, he told me to leave his home. I spun, crying by then (viewed by Chris, who did nothing & my parents) and left the house. He was still yelling at me, treating me like I was nothing. Like I had no right to say anything that he did not agree with or like (basically kiss his ass). When I got close to the door I loudly stated “Good-bye GrandDad.” (he wears hearing aides but they do not work) I walked straight out, refusing to be talked to in that manner.(creating on hades of a migraine … should have told him “Thanks, for the I migraine BECAUSE I run the risk of another STROKE each time I go through one.” That would have only pissed him off even more!)
When he verbally attacked me, and when I was facing my Mom, I saw that he tore her apart by attacking me. Each word out of his mouth shredded her heart; her love for him, her respect for him, the compassion she had for him … everything a father should mean to a child simply died.
I light up a cig and began to walk back to Hutch, but as soon as I hit the stop sign, I started to go back, figured my parents would be worried. Then I figured my parents could pick me up along the way. Instead, they came out of the house, I headed back to the car.
During this time you can hear my Mom’s father yelling, and I was out in the road. Plus you can here Karyl yelling. Not once did I hear my parents raise there voices. One the way out my Dad said “Jesus F*cking Christ” to which Karyl threated to basically beat his ass … what a joke that was. (I would have pulled up a chair, and at pop corn while my Dad (who does not hit a woman) would have defended himself & made her suffer.)
Mom was crying when she got to the car, and had been crying inside the house as well. I do not know what he said to her, but she began crying when she saw him attack me.

But I am proud of myself. Instead of stooping to their level, I walked away. I refused to listen to a person (no matter how old they are or how much respect they believe they should have) insult, degrade, curse, disrespect me or treat me like I was nothing. I have been through hades and back in my life, but I have always managed to get through it. I have worked hard to be a decent (good) person.
But in the end, he tore my heart apart. I have been in that person’s life for 39 years. I am his 1st grandchild, and his 1st granddaughter. I am the child of his daughter, who has been in his life for 59 years. I have gone out of my way to visit him over the last 3 months (yep, I have been in this area for 3 months, leaving my husband to care for our children … cause Mom has to have someone here for her. Dad works, and cannot take this time off … or he does not get paid)
I cried all the way back to my parents house. I tried to stop, because it was hurting my Mom. She kept getting more and more upset & worried because of how much I was crying. I tried to stop, or cover my mouth so she could not hear me. It just did not work because of the pain he caused in me, the tears simply kept coming. The only time I could not completely bawl my head off, was when my husband called. I got to talk to my granddaughter & him. He knew something was wrong, but I told him I just could not discuss it at this time (what I did not tell him was that it would have had me crying my eyes out worse than I already had been). But he knew something was wrong … I love him so much for understanding! I finally began to stop crying because my Mom kept apologizing for this!!! She did nothing wrong, but she was apologizing because she NEVER wanted me to see this. (I guess my brothers have seen it, but I do not know about me … when I had my stroke it took away a lot of my memories) I kept telling her that it was NOT her fault, that I NEED to see this because this is the true individual who claimed to love me. I NEEDED to know the type of person he was, as well as who Karyl was (but had a good idea, since she has not talked to me the ENTIRE time I have been here … sweet actions for an aunt, huh?). I told her I NEED to know the truth about these people, because I have children and a granddaughter … who NEVER need to be put through that type of touchier, heart break, pain or treated like they are nothing.
I gave my Mom a hug, and then went to the room I am staying in. I changed into my PJ’s. I put Mom’s extra ash tray, my book, my Puff’s kleenex, my cigs & lighter on the bed. I had, also, put the MP3 player (my son gave me) plus connection cord to computer, thumb-drive, my camera, my purse & my laptop … all on the bed. I went to refill my glass of sweet DECAF tea, took my evening pills.I went down stairs because I heard my parents talking, about the situation & me. I told Mom I would be ok, that I was hurt, disappointed & angry. That I did not understand why this was such an issue with her father. Then Mom said she was going to return the glucose monitor that her father gave her. I  After a bit, I went to refill my tea, and Dad asked me if I wanted to go get a microwave for Mom (since theirs is not working). I said sure, I needed to pic up more cigs & sunflower seeds … he laughed and told me sorry he forgot to get them. I went to change back into my clothes, got ready to go & went.
Dad talked to me a bit about this entire situation. He told me this is how they usually are. EVEN he apologized, saying I did NOT need to see this. I told him, as I told my Mom, that I NEEDED to see this. Finally we got to the store. He got the microwave, and I got my sunflower seeds (cigs are too expensive there). He told me we would stop by gas station so I can get them. And I am so proud of my Dad. He was so supportive with Mom & me, he was understanding & compassionate about all of this. He did not even get upset that I had come close to chain smoking. But he got upset with my Mom’s family for causing her the stress to basically be chain smoking. We got my cigs, and came back home. He brought in new microwave, I told Mom to come up to see the huge thing and she hobbled up the stairs with her foot that is BROKEN in 5 (yes, 5) places. Instead of being happy, she look like the world had actually started ending. She watched him set it up, filled up her drink and then headed back downstairs, I told her she got the perfect housewife’s gift … a dozen peach roses, stuffed teddy bear & a microwave. She said she was grateful but was so hurt she could not be joyful over it.
I went downstairs. I sat beside her, told her that Dad brought home a dozen peach roses & stuffed teddy bear (which is adorable!!) earlier today to show her that no matter what he was there for her & loved her dearly. Then he took a bit of extra time to get the microwave. She told me she could not get happy because she could not believe what happened at her father’s home. That she was so devastated & her heart torn to pieces that she could not even find a smile. I told her that no matter what, she could not let them take the joy of the love & compassion Dad was giving her. (My Dad did not get upset, because he understood the pain she was going through.) She, also, apologized (yes, again) to me, that she was sorry that I had to go through that & actually see that. She was, also, worried about her grandchildren & great granddaughter because she would NEVER allow them to go through this. She said that they will NOT be allowed around her side of the family, but that would (also) hurt them because they would not know those people. NOT KNOW THOSE PEOPLE, hello … if they would tear me apart, then they would go after my children, my granddaughter, my niece & nephews. There was NO WAY I was going to allow them around those people. She cried, I cried & we hugged each other. I tried so hard to comfort her, but it was like hitting a wall … she was so upset, angry, disappointed, & devastated. She could not believe that her father would verbally attack me over something that was not disrespectful, rude, obnoxious, harsh … or any negative word you can come up with. She could not believe he would attack his own granddaughter, her daughter. She could not believe that he would take offense in what was said, because it was not attacking him in any way … it was just an explanation (plain & simple). She could not believe what he said to her, or what they did not my Dad. I have never seen her this torn up over what her family has done to her (and they have pulled some harsh things on her). I told her I would be ok, that my children, granddaughter, niece & nephews would be ok … but she believes they will miss out on knowing that family. No, they will miss out on the pain they will cause … something I will NEVER allow to happen.
I went up stairs, changed back into my PJ’s, then I texted my husband to see if he could talk. My granddaughter was still up, so I just texted him what happened, a brief note. While I was doing that he called, which I rejected because I wanted him to read what I said, then call me. Which my simply amazing husband did.
By then I was getting trash ready to take out. So, bundled up to go outside to put trash in large can. I was talking to him about this … trying so hard not to cry, but did. I had to try to stop because I had to go back inside to get my drink, tissue box, cigs & lighter. I asked my husband several times how to handle this. I told him that my Dad, my GrandPa, my brothers & he would never do this. I told him that his family never treated me in this fashion, that they should me love. I ended up using 1/4 a box of tissue. (I had to stop talking at one point, because Dad had to leave to go train the new guy at work.) While I was talking to him, I began picking up all the sticks in the yard, smoking like a blasted chimney (which I definitely did not need to do). After that, I quietly went back inside to get gloves because my fingers were FROZEN, and I had to use the bathroom. (Horrid mistake, putting hand with arthritis into hot water … my head spun and the pain was horrid) Then I went back out, I told my husband that I should not have asked him how to handle this situation (several times) because he has NEVER had to go through this. (Yes, I even double check on that.) I told him I was sick of bawling, it made me feel like a wimp. So, my wonderful husband put my granddaughter on the phone … she had me smiling after a few minutes. I got to talk to her, and listen to her new words (plus tons of jibber jabber). Then we talked about how our boys were doing, and I was so impressed (they are amazing sons). I then went inside, talking to my husband and granddaughter, and began cleaning my Mom’s kitchen. (cleaning is something I do when I am really upset. I talked to him for almost 2 1/2 hours (if not more). By just about 1am, I was done with Mom’s kitchen but I still have to vacuum, which I will do later today because Dad came home … and he needs his rest. (I did get to talk to my daughter for a short time)

Since then I have pretty much been in “my” room. I was reading earlier while computer was downloading programs I wanted. A couple times I went to see Mom, having her tell me to sleep – as if that will happen. Currently, with the emotions I am dealing with plus the migraine & tense back muscles … sleep I want, but I cannot reach.

I would to have an answer to how to handle this … but there is not one out there. After all, don’t most grandkids love their grandparents? Right now, I just want today to disappear, just like it never happened. But with all reason, I really NEEDED to see who these people truly are … and Mom has 2 sisters & 2 brothers who were not here, which means we shall have hades to pay. I have decided that if they show up on my parents property, I am gonna kick them off. If that does not work, I will call police to handle it. I truly want NOTHING to do with anything they have to say on this situation.
I buried my GrandAnn Jan 30th. Today, I lost my grandfather … by his choice. He told me to leave his home, and will never understand that people have different personalities. I have one grandfather left, my GrandPa (who would NEVER do this). I have NEVER felt like an outcast when I am around them.

So now I am gonna read my book, & try to relax. Later today or sometime this coming week, I am gonna try figure out a way to overcome this situation … and find away to get over the pain it has caused (ha ha de freaking ha). I have to watch clock so I can take meds for the migraine, it just will not go away. Now to relax, so my head will clear because I really need a clear head to get through this.

What a wonder freaking day in the world …

How my heart broke Jan. 24, 2012

My GrandAnn passed away late the night of Jan 24, 2012. We had been watching her slowly die over the last month. This tore me apart for many reason, but the main one was my selfish behavior when I visited my parents. See, I was upset over some of the ways that my Mom was treated ed by her family. This caused me to be selfish and not go see my grandparents or Aunts & Uncles. I did not even see my cousins on that side of the family.
Hindsight kills you. Because now I do not have that many memories of an amazing & beautiful woman. A woman who was a good grandmother. One who loved us so much through out our lives. I was GrandAnn’s Birdy. That is what she called me for so long. When we were young we visited often, which was hard on my parents but they made sure we knew our extended family. We lived near them twice, once when I was younger probably around 3 or 4. My brother was born here. My grandmother rushed my mother to the hospital when she went into labor. She stayed with my mother, showing her that she loved her & was there to support her. My father was stationed overseas at the time, which had to be hard for him, missing his son being born.
The next time we lived there I was about 15. We stayed until just after I graduated. My grandparents loved having us over. And until Mom found a place, with the help of my grandparent’s, we stayed with them. It was nice from the few memories I have of that time. When we moved to the house Mom found, we were always invited over. My GrandAnn loved when I went to Church with them, so did my GrandDad. I feel as if I enjoyed the times I went with them, but am not quite sure because of the lack of memories I have. My Aunt made my prom dress, and my GrandDad took pictures of me in it. They seemed to be impressed with how I looked in it. As well as how their daughters worked together to get the fabric, pattern and making sure I stopped by for the measuring's and fittings.
But there were bad times too, which happens in families. There were times they would forget that Mom was close by, which is understandable see that we were a military family. This upset Mom, and because of it, I was upset & disappointed in our extended family (sorry I use that, but it’s easier to type than “grandparents, aunts & uncles”). But just because they made mistakes, and we made mistakes does not mean I should have acted the way I have as I grew up.
Since Dec 2007, I have been in this area. My family stayed with my parents while we searched for houses at our new duty station. When we found a house, we still came up to visit. During those visits I would occasionally go see my GrandAnn & GrandDad. But as each visit occurred I gradually cut my visits with them. Sometimes I would not even stop by. Yes, that is horrid & very selfish. Yes, it was flat our wrong to do. But I was thinking with anger and disappointed feelings.
My Mom and I have been going over daily since my GrandAnn’s  health turned for the worse. It tore us all apart, my GrandDad (who had been married to her for 62 yrs.); my Mom, her siblings & their families; my family & me. It was stressing my father out because of how much it was hurting my mother, my brothers were also worried about Mom.
On Dec 26, GrandAnn’s breathing became like a person having an asthma attack (which I have seen). My Mom knew she would pass soon, but could not watch the mother she loved pass. It was already tearing her apart just to be there as she slowly died.
When my aunt called Mom, she woke Dad & me up. She called my brother and he notified our other brother. I drove her to their home, the one she was raised in, to see her Mom & to be there with her Dad & siblings. They were grateful that she came, because they needed  her as much as she needed them.
They were grateful that I was there as well, but I felt so much guilt over my actions. Because I decided to pull away from a family that loved me no matter what I did. They tried to show their love when I did stop by, but I honestly did not know how to respond to them. I was not use to being around them, so for me it was difficult. I am sure it was difficult for them as well.
The one thing that I truly learned is that I need to have a better relationship with my GrandDad, Aunts, Uncles & cousins (& their families). I need to make some serious steps to build a bond with them. And can only hope that they will take those steps as well.
On Dec 26 2012, I told my GrandDad that I was extremely sorry for not stopping by. For not creating great memories with them. That I would love to hear stories about my GrandAnn, when he was ready to tell them. He told me he was writing about his life, and that I was welcome to sit down and read it. He told me to sit back in the computer area, and read all I wanted too. I asked him if GrandAnn did, he nodded. So, I will get to read her stories about her life, as well. This may not be the memories I had in the past, but it will give me an idea of how they became the people they are.

Although my heart broke, I learned a valuable lesson. I did not get to say good-bye to my GrandAnn, when she was still alive, but this blog is my good-bye to her. Her death taught me a lesson that I truly need. Even in death, my GrandAnn found a way to give my positive advice. This advice I am going to do all I can correct. There is no excuse for my behavior, it was selfish. But I have let my GrandDad know I want to be more involved in the family. I have told my aunts & uncles that as well, including my cousins. Now I can only hope that my aunts & uncles, plus their families will forgive the selfish actions & help me rebuild a relationship with them.