How my heart broke Jan. 24, 2012

My GrandAnn passed away late the night of Jan 24, 2012. We had been watching her slowly die over the last month. This tore me apart for many reason, but the main one was my selfish behavior when I visited my parents. See, I was upset over some of the ways that my Mom was treated ed by her family. This caused me to be selfish and not go see my grandparents or Aunts & Uncles. I did not even see my cousins on that side of the family.
Hindsight kills you. Because now I do not have that many memories of an amazing & beautiful woman. A woman who was a good grandmother. One who loved us so much through out our lives. I was GrandAnn’s Birdy. That is what she called me for so long. When we were young we visited often, which was hard on my parents but they made sure we knew our extended family. We lived near them twice, once when I was younger probably around 3 or 4. My brother was born here. My grandmother rushed my mother to the hospital when she went into labor. She stayed with my mother, showing her that she loved her & was there to support her. My father was stationed overseas at the time, which had to be hard for him, missing his son being born.
The next time we lived there I was about 15. We stayed until just after I graduated. My grandparents loved having us over. And until Mom found a place, with the help of my grandparent’s, we stayed with them. It was nice from the few memories I have of that time. When we moved to the house Mom found, we were always invited over. My GrandAnn loved when I went to Church with them, so did my GrandDad. I feel as if I enjoyed the times I went with them, but am not quite sure because of the lack of memories I have. My Aunt made my prom dress, and my GrandDad took pictures of me in it. They seemed to be impressed with how I looked in it. As well as how their daughters worked together to get the fabric, pattern and making sure I stopped by for the measuring's and fittings.
But there were bad times too, which happens in families. There were times they would forget that Mom was close by, which is understandable see that we were a military family. This upset Mom, and because of it, I was upset & disappointed in our extended family (sorry I use that, but it’s easier to type than “grandparents, aunts & uncles”). But just because they made mistakes, and we made mistakes does not mean I should have acted the way I have as I grew up.
Since Dec 2007, I have been in this area. My family stayed with my parents while we searched for houses at our new duty station. When we found a house, we still came up to visit. During those visits I would occasionally go see my GrandAnn & GrandDad. But as each visit occurred I gradually cut my visits with them. Sometimes I would not even stop by. Yes, that is horrid & very selfish. Yes, it was flat our wrong to do. But I was thinking with anger and disappointed feelings.
My Mom and I have been going over daily since my GrandAnn’s  health turned for the worse. It tore us all apart, my GrandDad (who had been married to her for 62 yrs.); my Mom, her siblings & their families; my family & me. It was stressing my father out because of how much it was hurting my mother, my brothers were also worried about Mom.
On Dec 26, GrandAnn’s breathing became like a person having an asthma attack (which I have seen). My Mom knew she would pass soon, but could not watch the mother she loved pass. It was already tearing her apart just to be there as she slowly died.
When my aunt called Mom, she woke Dad & me up. She called my brother and he notified our other brother. I drove her to their home, the one she was raised in, to see her Mom & to be there with her Dad & siblings. They were grateful that she came, because they needed  her as much as she needed them.
They were grateful that I was there as well, but I felt so much guilt over my actions. Because I decided to pull away from a family that loved me no matter what I did. They tried to show their love when I did stop by, but I honestly did not know how to respond to them. I was not use to being around them, so for me it was difficult. I am sure it was difficult for them as well.
The one thing that I truly learned is that I need to have a better relationship with my GrandDad, Aunts, Uncles & cousins (& their families). I need to make some serious steps to build a bond with them. And can only hope that they will take those steps as well.
On Dec 26 2012, I told my GrandDad that I was extremely sorry for not stopping by. For not creating great memories with them. That I would love to hear stories about my GrandAnn, when he was ready to tell them. He told me he was writing about his life, and that I was welcome to sit down and read it. He told me to sit back in the computer area, and read all I wanted too. I asked him if GrandAnn did, he nodded. So, I will get to read her stories about her life, as well. This may not be the memories I had in the past, but it will give me an idea of how they became the people they are.

Although my heart broke, I learned a valuable lesson. I did not get to say good-bye to my GrandAnn, when she was still alive, but this blog is my good-bye to her. Her death taught me a lesson that I truly need. Even in death, my GrandAnn found a way to give my positive advice. This advice I am going to do all I can correct. There is no excuse for my behavior, it was selfish. But I have let my GrandDad know I want to be more involved in the family. I have told my aunts & uncles that as well, including my cousins. Now I can only hope that my aunts & uncles, plus their families will forgive the selfish actions & help me rebuild a relationship with them.

Outside fun …

Giggling, and enjoying swinging

Athenah LOVES to be outside. Going for walks with us in the evening, playing with all her toys outback, and going to the park. She just loves it, and in those times, you can simply enjoy the simple things that just makes people happy. After all, we were once those children playing and enjoying life.

Just enjoying a walk

I think the most fun we have is when she is at the playground or with the toys in our back yard. She is so active, and enjoys the time outside.

Play Time VIEW SLIDE SHOW DOWNLOAD ALL

All I can say, is that she keeps all of us busy. From her Uncles, to Pa and MeMa … and always has us with smiles, laughing & simply enjoying how much fun the simplest and silliest things can be.

Add Music, and it still makes it fun

I think the vids and pictures pretty much sum it up! But what you should really keep in mind, is how much fun they have … and sometimes it’s a good idea for adults to relax a little and find that fun time in themselves.

Still alive & breathing

original post date: 11/10/10

Yep we are still here, breathing & alive. My daughter moved out, my son has an interview at Hot Topic & he is engaged, my second son is getting promoted, and youngest son is getting enrolled in a school better suited for him.
The best news …. My husband is retiring! Check that, he’s putting his paperwork into retire. It’s good by Army, hello Civvies World. LOL funny to say seeing that I am living off base already. But this will be great, not to have to attend FSG meetings or battery events. Not have to worry if what is happening in our family is disturbing his COC. (when you have several medical appointments a day for 3 weeks … they tend to get rather annoyed)

I have gotten back into life since I went on vacation. I am learning that being a grand mother can be amazing fun. I have two little ones to pay with silly toys, sing songs & just dance all over the house. I play on the equipment at the park with the oldest, and rock the youngest to sleep. I get to eat with my fingers at dinner, getting the oldest to try new things & learn to enjoy what you have. Stories, songs, walks, naps (boy oh boy do I need those), playing with pots & pans … and that list goes on. It will be interesting as the youngest gets beyond the infant stage. But she still has fun, smiles & tries to laugh quite a bit.

Now I am just waiting for the clearance for my neck surgery. I think it will help so much with my migraines, and neck issues. Then I have to wait & get clearance for them to work on my back … he he he my kids said they should just take out all the bones & give me artificial ones. Yep I can see that happening, “ma’am we have decide that we are going to cut you from top to bottom taking out the bones on one side. Replacing them with these new artificial bones. Then we will close you up, and do the same to the other side. You will take 6 months to a year to recover. But we can discuss that after the surgery. OH  I think she is under, I hope she heard what I was telling her.” LMAO as if that will ever happen, 50 million dollar person … not!!! They had a great idea, something that has been made in to TV shows. Oh well, now it is time to wait …. hope for the best & expect the worst.
And yes, I am hoping they call & tell me my surgery is schedule in two weeks. So wait I will do.

Walking down memory lane

original post date: 10/11/10

When I look at my mothers wall it is full of pictures, which should hold tons of memories for me. Yet while some of the locations are familiar, the pictures and the times are not. Or worse I see people I should know that I don’t have the slightest idea who they are. Normally I don’t pay much attention to my mother pictures, until my brother needed  pics of him when he was younger. So I went looking at the wall, and then through almost all of her pics … guess it was a bad choice for me.
These last few weeks I have been in Hutch, taking a mini-vacation. I have visited Nickerson, and there were a few things that seemed slightly familiar, but so much that was familiar. I know about the nativity scene, because I have the video’s from when I was in it. My grandparents house seemed a bit off, and until one of our relatives mentioned the fact the trees where missing, I wasn’t sure what was off with it. I am still not sure if that was it, but I am hoping so. The school I graduated from, well I remember one of my classes in one part of the building, but the older part of the school doesn’t seem all that familiar. I know I went there, I have the diploma & transcript from there. (oh freaking well) Nickerson main street area has changed a ton, maybe for the best, I do hope so. I know they have a police station (and I found it!!), which was a bit strange. It would have been nice for them when kids were egging cars (yes, they did this when I was a teen ~ why I don’t know, but they did).
I have seen so much of Hutch the last few days. I know the mall had more stores, and a lot more people going there. I found a skate rink that I know I went to a few times (with what friends I don’t know), I found it quite by accident. I know they have done a bit of, who knows what, to Hutch parts are familiar, but then I haven’t been all over Hutch, so I don’t know about the unfamiliar parts. There is a McD’s that is still slower than dirt, and needs to check on their customer service issue! (It was a problem when I was a teen, and seems to be one now)

With all this occurring, I talked to a girl I went to school with. I had been given a general description, which did not seem to fit who she was today. I had to apologize when she told me everyone assumed she was still pencil thin! Then she asked if I remembered her sister, which as it turns out, does not look like her … so I am guessing I don’t remember her. I felt pretty bad to be honest, when you talk to someone it is really hard when you should remember but you don’t.
With some people I remember their faces and not their names. With others, their names click but their faces don’t. ~ Let’s forget about number combinations, cause those always mess me up!;)  ~ My docs have had so much fun testing me for this or that, and love putting me though all the tests to see how I have recovered … gets pretty freaking annoying after a while. Cause I just don’t have the answers for them, I don’t even have the answer for myself.

When you hear about “walking down memory lane” you think of all the fun, exciting, embarrassing, sad, and so many other types of memories. When I hear about it, it just makes me sad. I don’t have the full past that most others do, but at least I have plenty of time to build more memories as I grow older. Can you imagine how it would be to recover from a stroke when you are 70+? A lifetime of memories, simply gone. That alone is horrifying. Yet here I sit sad & in disbelief when I was hoping, even a small hope, that something would help bring back some of those times. Yet nothing did, and that is something I have to face … and something that I haven’t wanted to face.

So instead of staying depressed over this small matter, I have started looking at it differently. I have a ton of new memories with my granddaughter. Although she won’t remember it, I will be able to tell her that her 1st vacation was spent at Grandma's & Grandpa's house. I will tell her how we walked though Carey Park on an amazingly decent day, were the sun wasn’t too hot and the wind help keep us cooled. How I lost my sunglasses during this walk because I was paying more attention to whether or not the sun was in her face. Or how those bridges are definitely not stroller compatible. Or how we went to the Hutch Zoo, where instead of looking at the animals she slept though the entire hour or so that we were there. But choose the moment we left to wake up! I think she will like visiting that zoo when she is a bit older, it’s definitely young kid friendly.
I will be able to tell her how she stayed awake a good bit of the walk though Dillon’s Nature Center. Oh she slept a bit, but she was up a good deal of it. How I think I might have found the perfect place for her Pa & I to re-new our vows, it’s simply beautiful and I hope it’s something that we can look into. My favorite part is how she kicked off her sock, and we had to walk all the way to the boy and frog to find it. How she managed to kick of a sock is still beyond me, but it made the walk a bit longer. She also had the ladies who worked there just fussing over her. And she just groveled in it.
When I took her to Yoder, she was ok with one of the stores until the lady started talking to her. Then she just wanted to leave, I guess she just didn’t like her. She slept though 2 of the stores, and didn’t care much for the quilt store from the second I walked in. Which I think was more because I could have spent quite a while looking at the patterns or books … makes walking a bit more difficult. But she giggled & cooed to the ladies in the Yoder Meat Market. She had them going to get other co-workers to look a her! And yes, she loved all the attention she was getting.
I have so many pictures of the time when have been down here that my kids will probably take away my camera’s when I get home. But for each picture there is something behind it, a bit of a memory, a piece of Athenah’s & my life. Each time I think how I felt, I stop and see Athenah. Then I remember what I told her when we were there, or what her & I were doing when we were there. That gives each of those places a new memory for me, one that I will be able to tell Athenah (via scrapbook or verbal, I hope both).

I may not remember what my brothers & I where doing in a few (million) pics my mother has. But I have the chance to build new memories with them. A few years back my brother & my family when bowling, I think we had a blast. I know my kids were enjoying it, so were the adults. Or when I got this call telling me they were pregnant … I was so excited I was jumping all over! Or the times I got to talk to my nephew or text my niece. Even the times I have talked to my brothers, and probably floored them with what I said.
The one thing I hoped to regain from this vacation is the one thing I will be leaving with …. special memories. New memories, but special none the less. So the next time I decide to “walk down memory lane” I will either bring someone who knows what the hades we did ;-) or I will smile …. because while I don’t always remember every part of my past, I have new memories I can create with those I love and cherish.