Dear Mom …

I have started that letter so many times. But ended up tearing it to shreds instead.
Yes, I know she is gone. But sometimes it does help to put it all down on paper … not for that person but as for yourself. Problem being, it still hurts too much. Plus mentally & emotionally I am just not ready.

2 months since my Mom passed, almost to the hour. But I still want to call her up to just talk to her, about anything. I want to be able to hear her voice, and know she is still here with us. To fool myself into still having her in our lives. But 2 months ago, I sat by her bed telling her it was ok to pass. Because I hated seeing her in the coma she was in. I hated watching her slowly pass … I hated loosing my Mom.
I still hope to wake up each morning & get a call from my Mom. To wake up out of the nightmare of all of this.

2 months … and the pain is still there. It hurts so much. Until I can find some way of letting that pain go, I don’t think I will ever be able to fully accept my Mom’s passing.

I hurt over my Mom’s passing … and I will NEVER forgive those who hurt our family for so long. Yet, tried to be “family” for the last few months. I will never forgive or forget …

Oct 20–Oct 26 ~ Update on Mom/Grandma

Saturday ~ Last week was very hard on Mom/GrandMa, physically & emotionally. She has eaten a bit, but is using the time to rest. She is going to church with her Dad, he is all excited about it ... which makes her happy. It was going to be a surprise, but she felt like she had to give him something positive instead of “bad news” about her. It made them both happy, and that I am grateful for. Also, Cathy & Mike McA stopped by, which was great for Mom. They had her laughing, which is something we have not seen in days. She is always grateful for visiting family & friends, they help her more than they can imagine.
Even though this last week has been tough on Mom, she has been trying to make each day a good day. She has goals that she is trying to make. When she hit’s those goals, she makes another. That is the best thing for her to do right now. This coming week she is kicked into surviving long that the docs gave her. Her quote “I AM A SURVIVOR”

Sunday ~ Today Mom went to church with her dad & sister, Karen. She enjoyed the service & seeing all the people she knew. But sadly, she was unable able to sit though the entire service. She was a little upset that they had to leave so soon. She received many well wishes and offers of prayer from the congregation. She sang, cried, and was simply grateful to be there with her dad ... it meant a lot to both of them.
But sadly, it seems that the rest of today she will be down. The trip & service where pushing just a little. She is still able to get up & move around, but mainly is resting because tomorrow is Chemo treatment.
Oh in case you didn’t notice, I am writing these day by day, instead of trying to remember everything at the end of the week.

Monday ~ Chemo did not go as planned. It would appear that the current treatments (2 different types of chemo) were no longer working. The cancer adapted to them. There is one more type of chemo they will start up next week. Mom will go in for 2-4 hours, for lab work & various other items (nausea meds, potassium, etc.). Then they will attach a pump to her for approximately 2 days. She will not have to sit through 8 hrs. of chemo each Monday. Right now, we are unsure if this is a weekly treatment or ever other week. I will let you know in the following update.
Mom was grateful for not having to go through chemo today. It was like she knew it wasn’t working the way they wanted it to. Plus it was completely wiping her out. She is up and moving today, which compared to this weekend, is simply amazing. She still has her sense of humor, because she found a way to joke & laugh when being teased. (Which do happen but with all the extra stress ... it’s not too often lately)
But keep in mind that there is no expiration date on her feet or any where on her body. She will do her best to keep fighting this ... but keep in mind, that eventually she will be worn out by the constant fighting. We all must be prepared for that day; whether we like it/don’t like it, or accepting it/not accepting it. Mom wants us all to stick together & remember her in the positives ways she tried to remember others.

Tuesday ~ This day was a day of resting. No appointments, no driving all over the place ... just a beautiful day to sit outside and enjoy it. Mom just loved it, because she didn’t have to wear a jacket or coat. The breeze was one of those “just right” types. Not too cold or hot. Simply a beautiful day.
Karie O stopped to see her big sis, and she brought a lovely floral plant ... it is beautiful. Plus she gave Mom a figurine with a scarecrow that has “Autumn” on it. Mom really enjoyed see her sis, they talked for what seemed like hours ... I think it was good for both of them. (Thanks Karie for coming by)
Later that night, Mom read the info on her pending Chemo. She talked to Dad & I about it, told us it’s there when we want to read it. Plus she told us how she felt after reading it. I think it did her some good to have some idea as to what they are giving her. She will be Folfox, you can look it up online to get more info ... otherwise this email would be pages long

Wednesday ~ Not much happened today. It was more of a resting day. Mom is trying very hard to prep herself for the Folfox treatment. Which means drinking ROOM TEMP beverages, bundling up .... down that line of thinking. She is just trying really hard to get read for this treatment pending on Monday. But she is so grateful that Dad, Karyl W & I will all be there, this way all of us know about the pump. She is gonna talk to her other siblings to see if they would go to the following apt so they can learn about the pump, which will relieve her mind (LOL and give Dad & I a break ). I think it would be good for those who are local to go with her, they have been simply amazing ... and this way, they can ask the nurses & doc questions they may have. It has been so hard on everyone.

Thursday ~ Learning to bundle up isn’t not something Mom likes to do. Todays weather showed that .... but I will say she is trying!! Mom is still emotional about the passing of her brother. It is really hard on her siblings & herself, and it makes her want to fight even harder. Yesterday, I was a bit worried because it’s been a week since she found out, but she is slowly going though the “grieving process” ... it has been a hard week for all the siblings & her dad. I am just grateful it has pulled them closer together.

Friday ~ Started off bad, but Mom decided it would be a good day no matter what. Her sister, Karen L, stopped by ... she really enjoyed that time. Yea, I think they talked for hours, even though it wasn’t actually that long . It was ups & downs all day, but Mom worked really hard on keep her head up & enjoying the cold weather.
Her eating has gotten a lot better. And she is working to prepare for the new chemo on Monday. She has to learn to bundle up because of possible nerve damage. But with the loss of her brother, she is determined that she will be here for a while ... Go Mom!!!!

Oct 13–Oct 19 ~ Weekly Update

Saturday, ended up being a “stay at home” because Mom got to feeling really “yucky” ... these days are to be expected, but she was NOT happy because she missed Allie’s Volley-Ball game. Something she was really looking for, both Mom & Allie, sadly it turned into one of her bad days. (the kind of day where just want to stay in bed and be taken care of)

Sunday, we got up prepared for going to church with Mom’s dad. Sadly & luckily for Mom, he wasn’t up to going. She was doing a bit better, but last week it would have pushed her too hard. (This week she is gonna go, she is just as excited about it as he is!) But she did get to eat some cake & ice cream to celebrate Dad’s/GrandPa’s 63 Birthday ... hey we had to plan something a little early, or he would have caught on. (Yep, he didn’t suspect any thing)

Monday, Karyl took Mom to chemo, which we are grateful for. She let Dad know all the in’s & out’s that were needed, which was the same as before. (Thanks Karyl ... it was appreciated. More than you know.) Mom slept through most of chemo treatment, which is good for her. But it really messes up her sleeping habits.

Tuesday, Mom didn’t want to go to the hydration appt. But I talked her into it, and we were there for less than 2 hrs.!!! Way to go Mom ... she only needed a little hydration, and nothing else. (they usually give potassium, and occasionally other meds ~ for nausea, etc.) By the time we left that appt, Mom was exhausted. (yep, Tuesday was a bad day) Tuesday night, Mom began running a fever (plus a few other issues) so we took her to Newton’s ER. They ran all kinds of tests on her, but nothing showed up. They believe it was because of the tumors & chemo .... sadly, these are symptoms will happen because of the treatment she is receiving. The doc just wanted to make sure it wasn’t because she caught something else ... that would have meant another hospital stay

Wednesday, was a lot of napping, to catch up from the sleep we all missed for the night/morning ER “visit.” Karen was gonna take Mom to the Farmer’s Market, but since she wasn’t up to it, she brought her some tomatoes ... I wish she would have stayed to talk to Mom. But she wanted Mom to rest. (I have to agree with her, but it’s hard because it does seem to help when Mom has visitors ... but she needs the rest)

Thursday, was recovering from earlier days this week. Wednesday was a hard day for all. Mom went to see her dad ... those two have really bonded lately. (I am so simply grateful for.) They talked for quite some time. Then we stopped by GrandAnn’s grave. Mom had her time to talk to her mother. As well as see the work they have been doing on the marker.

Friday, was a slow day. To rest, & relax. Dad suck it up that he was officially 63!!! (Way to go Dad) PLUS Mom got to talk to Yanni & Jayden (Oh, Eric of course) via computer. She really loves those “calls.” But then she loves all the calls she gets from her GrandChildren (hint hint ).

I think that covers the week. There are some good times/days, as well as bad ones. But for the most part, she is fighting hard. She wants to have more time with each of us ... as a group or one on one. For that alone, I am grateful ... and will support her decision.

Oct 7- Oct 12 ~ Weekly Update

Saturday, Mom went to see Allie’s Volley Ball game. She is going to try to make the next game this Saturday. Finger cross, because Allie really want to see her. Allie told Mom that she was a “good luck” charm. Because the team won when they were there!!!

Monday went decently. Mom is only high up on magnesium. Karyl went with us to meet the doc, so she could explain it to the Lamb side of the family.
Tuesday – Friday, was covered with some bad days or good days. But Mom work through them all, determined to be the survivor she keeps telling people. She collapsed Wed night, but that was more from the morphine ...she was not hurt. She slide down the wall, then after a few, Dad moved her back to bed.
Cathy McA, Karen & Karie have been visiting. Thanks ladies, those visits are really good for her.

Friday, we went out to Grand Ann's grave site to put a Halloween Deco on it. So, now it has one for Easter, Halloween & Fall/Thanksgiving figurines; a few wind chimes; as well has flowers ... the visit did Mom some good. After the trip to Grand Ann, we went to see Mom’s dad. That was a good visit for both of them. There were teary eyes, but I believe they are bonding ... something they both need.

Monday, Karyl’s talking Mom to Chemo. That way she can meet the nurses & be there for Mom. Thanks a ton Karyl, I know it is going to be tough but I am simply glad you all are here for her

It will break your heart

When you are told that you mom has Stage 4 cancer, it definitely will break your heart. But it’s even harder to tell your kids about it … after all, that is their GrandMa.
We have been dealing with this since Aug 2012. It hasn’t gotten any easier. And it won’t.
Now Mom is buying time by taking Chemo. Hoping to give us extra time with her … more for us than for her.
That is what you call a strong woman! A woman to remember & tell about to our kids, grandkids, great-grandkids … an on down the line. Because no matter what, she will be forever in our hearts …

I love you Mom. You are the greatest woman I have ever known!

Oct 1–Oct 6 ~ Weekly update

Monday, was Chemo. She did amazing, rested, ate ... even though it was a long procedure she handled it well. Tuesday, she was hydrated. Then she went to the Dollar Tree for a short time. Found what she was looking for (flowers, wind chime & figurine for GrandAnn’s grave; plus Halloween deco). She came home and rested, after having a hotdog & some fries.
Wed & Thurs, were hard on her. She slept a lot, and her stomach wasn’t agreeing with her those days. She saw her sisters, Karie & Karen, they stayed a while talking ... it was good for her. Then she talked with Eric’s family for some time, she was just so excited. She loved seeing Eric, Cate, Yanni & Jayden ... she talked about it for a while. Even told Dad a lot of the conversation. Those two visits & the Web cam chat were really great for her. There was a slight problem getting some of her meds, but the lady at Dillions worked with them, so she got the right ones. (such a relief for Dad, Mom & me)
Friday, Cathy McA stop by. Those two were like kids in a candy store. So much to talk about, and both left with smiles and a little teary-eyed. But today she is up and moving again. She has eaten, taking her meds ... and seems to be having a great day!

This weekend, Mom is gonna try to get out to GrandAnn’s grave. She was gonna go watch Allie’s volley ball game, but has to follow Dr orders about being around people – she cannot chance getting sick, so she cannot go. She was so disappointed, but has accepted that there will be times she cannot do exactly what she wants to .... She is handle it better than I expected. Dad is more worried about it than both Mom & I, but he has good reasons to be. It’s his wife that he is looking out for ... you have to love him for that.

I will try to keep you all updated, but sometimes I won’t be able to do so that day ... so look for weekly reports, they are much easier.

What I really hate about medical problems

Over the last few years I went from decently healthy to massive medical problems. I guess I had them before but they were not officially diagnosed. Now, it seems like every time I see my dr. I end up with yet another issue to add .
I have or have had:

• Stroke
• fibromyalgia
• arthritis
• bulging disk in my back & neck
• migraines
• ulcers
• depression
• PFO
• low-iron anemia
• blood pressure issues (too low on a normal basis; too blasted high when I get upset)
• stress (far too much according to my doctors)
• panic attacks
• anxiety issues
• slight allergy to the sun (sunscreen doesn’t even help)
• allergic to morphine (so freaking annoying)
• bone growths on the back of both knees
• bladder issues (yep, it even happens to us younger folks)
• sleeping problems
• nerves problems (like not being able to use arms or legs)
• bruising all over body
• loss of hair (do to meds I am on, as well as medical problems)
• acid reflux

LOL it’s bad when you forget a ton of items that you have been diagnosed with. But honestly, it is really bad to be afraid to see your doctor when you know he is going to give you more issues to learn to deal with.

I have told my doctor that one time I would enjoy seeing any of them as long as they provided me with positive news. He just laughed and said I was always an interesting patient … really??? One who DOES NOT want medical problems. One who is now more afraid of seeing my doctors. One who is scared of what they will tell me next. How does that make me “interesting”???? In my opinion, that makes me a fearful patient, definitely not interesting.
But I guess in there case, they are getting to use all the medical training. Which means I am “interesting” to them. I cannot hate them because they are great doctors, and they are always honest with me when I see them. They do not do  give me that bull where they … what’s the correct word or phrase? … treat me like a person who will simply crash from hearing the news they have to give me. They are direct and straight up with me, which I am grateful for. They do not treat me like a porcelain doll that will just crumb if touch wrong. Trust me I have seen doctors treat patients like the were fragile. Treat them as though they would simply crumble from the news they were given.

My parents taught us that you have to accept what the news. You can get upset over it. You can get sad or depressed over it. But you have to learn about what you have. You have to learn to laugh about it, and accept it. Because in the end, there is not much else you can do … except ignore it.
Ignoring your medical problems do not make them go way. It makes your life harder. I recently learned that. I was honest, told people I had a stoke. I told them, but did not let them know just how much I lost when it occurred. I did not tell them, the closest of my friends or even my family, know the actual severity of it. I was embarrassed, and ashamed because I truly did not remember so much about these people who were close to me. I had some feelings where I knew that some of these people were trustworthy and others I was uncomfortable around. Some of the people in my life, I have since learned why. Others I am still learning more about.

Guess the title of this blog should be something else. But honestly, for me it fits. Because I really do hate my medical problems. They cause me to avoid being close to people like I was before. They prevent me from doing a lot of things. Even chores around the house, you know vacuuming … that can take me over an hour to do. Because I get so exhausted from it. Exercising makes me feel amazing, but will put me in bed for a few days. Which really bites because I end up with so much energy, but my body itself crashes. Playing outside with my granddaughter, I can do a little but then have to rest. Hiking, which is so much fun, but afterwards my body crashes if I “over do it.”
”Over doing” is a phrase I really dislike. Today, I was looking for my router disk to set up my computer with our home router (love wireless … gives me more freedom that sitting at a desk). So I was cleaning up the computer area in our home. I got so tired, and I was not even finished cleaning & organizing. I had to stop. Went out back to talk with my son, stood up and the world started spinning around me … my husband had to help me get back inside because I was afraid I was going to collapse. There was NO WAY I was going to have to get my son to carry me inside. That is just way to embarrassing, for me that is.

See, my family seems to understand & accept that I have the medical problems I have quicker than I do. They are patient, but at times they do get a little irritated. After all, it sucks when you cannot take your child to the gym. Or go bike riding, hiking, fishing, swimming … or half a million other things that are fun to do with family. Sure movie nights are great, or board/card games are fun. But what kid wants to do them all the time? Even I get tired of playing them or watching movies/TV shows all them time. I love going hiking with my family. I enjoying going fishing with them. But even they know that “over doing it” prevents me from doing other things with them. And yes, I can “over do it” playing board/card games.

I guess, in many ways, I am one of the luckiest people on the planet. Simply because of the understanding, compassion, love and support that I received from my family. I really helps me so much that they do understand, even with they get irritated. Because without them, my life would be so much harder.
So while I truly hate my medical problems, I have the greatest family when it comes down to dealing with all the issues that seem to find their way to me.

I am learning to accept all my medical problems, and I will laugh at them. After all, if you do not find a way to laugh … you will live in misery. I prefer happiness, love, enjoyment. Misery can go find someone else. I just wish some people understood the concept of why you should laugh … it makes accepting so much easier.

Music that have touched my grief

I just heard Over you by Miranda Lambert. Now it is about losing a personal loved one. The way she sings this song it is like she is singing your own pain. It is simply amazing, she finds a way to touch others with music like this. There is no other way to explain it.
Hearing these song actually helped me remember a little bit more of my GrandAnn. Because she talks about little things that most people forget to remember. Those little things helped me remember those little things I thought I didn’t have. I know there are memories I will never recover, but the little bits. (The house that built me)
I remember being with her when Ma’am was visiting … her, I have little memories of, which saddens me … GrandAnn loved us being there. She would talk about all the things we missed, our Aunts & Uncles, as well as our cousins. She talked about GrandDad a lot, she was so proud of him and you could see the love had for him. That was the love that I truly wanted, and found with my husband.
Plus some the items she made for us. Dresses, blankets … she seemed to love to sew her grandchildren clothes. Those were the only dresses I ever wore just because I knew she made them with love.
I remember her working for a paper. Typing up her items. Helping GrandDad when he needed her with the Lamb Funeral home.
I wish I remember more … but in life, we do not get that option we get to choose on. So, we listen to others stories that others tell, and enjoy what they have to say. We tell our tales, and they enjoy just as we did. Sharing memories is one of the best things a person could do … that is how we learn from others. That is where we learn history a bit closer to home. After all, each person creates history; they effect it in their own way.

I can only hope that I make a positive influence. But I am still learning every day … so who knows what tales my descendants will share about me.

How my heart broke Jan. 24, 2012

My GrandAnn passed away late the night of Jan 24, 2012. We had been watching her slowly die over the last month. This tore me apart for many reason, but the main one was my selfish behavior when I visited my parents. See, I was upset over some of the ways that my Mom was treated ed by her family. This caused me to be selfish and not go see my grandparents or Aunts & Uncles. I did not even see my cousins on that side of the family.
Hindsight kills you. Because now I do not have that many memories of an amazing & beautiful woman. A woman who was a good grandmother. One who loved us so much through out our lives. I was GrandAnn’s Birdy. That is what she called me for so long. When we were young we visited often, which was hard on my parents but they made sure we knew our extended family. We lived near them twice, once when I was younger probably around 3 or 4. My brother was born here. My grandmother rushed my mother to the hospital when she went into labor. She stayed with my mother, showing her that she loved her & was there to support her. My father was stationed overseas at the time, which had to be hard for him, missing his son being born.
The next time we lived there I was about 15. We stayed until just after I graduated. My grandparents loved having us over. And until Mom found a place, with the help of my grandparent’s, we stayed with them. It was nice from the few memories I have of that time. When we moved to the house Mom found, we were always invited over. My GrandAnn loved when I went to Church with them, so did my GrandDad. I feel as if I enjoyed the times I went with them, but am not quite sure because of the lack of memories I have. My Aunt made my prom dress, and my GrandDad took pictures of me in it. They seemed to be impressed with how I looked in it. As well as how their daughters worked together to get the fabric, pattern and making sure I stopped by for the measuring's and fittings.
But there were bad times too, which happens in families. There were times they would forget that Mom was close by, which is understandable see that we were a military family. This upset Mom, and because of it, I was upset & disappointed in our extended family (sorry I use that, but it’s easier to type than “grandparents, aunts & uncles”). But just because they made mistakes, and we made mistakes does not mean I should have acted the way I have as I grew up.
Since Dec 2007, I have been in this area. My family stayed with my parents while we searched for houses at our new duty station. When we found a house, we still came up to visit. During those visits I would occasionally go see my GrandAnn & GrandDad. But as each visit occurred I gradually cut my visits with them. Sometimes I would not even stop by. Yes, that is horrid & very selfish. Yes, it was flat our wrong to do. But I was thinking with anger and disappointed feelings.
My Mom and I have been going over daily since my GrandAnn’s  health turned for the worse. It tore us all apart, my GrandDad (who had been married to her for 62 yrs.); my Mom, her siblings & their families; my family & me. It was stressing my father out because of how much it was hurting my mother, my brothers were also worried about Mom.
On Dec 26, GrandAnn’s breathing became like a person having an asthma attack (which I have seen). My Mom knew she would pass soon, but could not watch the mother she loved pass. It was already tearing her apart just to be there as she slowly died.
When my aunt called Mom, she woke Dad & me up. She called my brother and he notified our other brother. I drove her to their home, the one she was raised in, to see her Mom & to be there with her Dad & siblings. They were grateful that she came, because they needed  her as much as she needed them.
They were grateful that I was there as well, but I felt so much guilt over my actions. Because I decided to pull away from a family that loved me no matter what I did. They tried to show their love when I did stop by, but I honestly did not know how to respond to them. I was not use to being around them, so for me it was difficult. I am sure it was difficult for them as well.
The one thing that I truly learned is that I need to have a better relationship with my GrandDad, Aunts, Uncles & cousins (& their families). I need to make some serious steps to build a bond with them. And can only hope that they will take those steps as well.
On Dec 26 2012, I told my GrandDad that I was extremely sorry for not stopping by. For not creating great memories with them. That I would love to hear stories about my GrandAnn, when he was ready to tell them. He told me he was writing about his life, and that I was welcome to sit down and read it. He told me to sit back in the computer area, and read all I wanted too. I asked him if GrandAnn did, he nodded. So, I will get to read her stories about her life, as well. This may not be the memories I had in the past, but it will give me an idea of how they became the people they are.

Although my heart broke, I learned a valuable lesson. I did not get to say good-bye to my GrandAnn, when she was still alive, but this blog is my good-bye to her. Her death taught me a lesson that I truly need. Even in death, my GrandAnn found a way to give my positive advice. This advice I am going to do all I can correct. There is no excuse for my behavior, it was selfish. But I have let my GrandDad know I want to be more involved in the family. I have told my aunts & uncles that as well, including my cousins. Now I can only hope that my aunts & uncles, plus their families will forgive the selfish actions & help me rebuild a relationship with them.

Trip to KS … 1st part

The first week in KS resulted in all of us with the stomach flu & recovering from it. Nothing worse than trying to care for 2 kids, and not vomit along side them. My heart went out to both of them, because they were so exhausted & worn out.
My parents packed for the trip to see Yanni and Jayden, as well as Cate & Eric. It was a horrid start for a trip, 1st day the flight was CANCELLED. Mom was all prepared to leave, and was so upset when they cancelled the flight after they had been sitting there for a few hours. Dad was simply disappointed in the fact they could have let the passengers know the flight was going to be delayed or cancelled … but the positive thing is my SIL is their travel agent & she had it fixed in no time at all.

1st Trip to AirPort VIEW SLIDE SHOW DOWNLOAD ALL

The worst part, is I went to Hobby Lobby to get fabric to make my boys PJ’s. Then we stopped by Subway for Lunch. It was nice until we got back to Hutch & I had to make a trip back to Wichita.   Logan watched Athenah, instead of dragging them back to the airport.
The 2nd trip was successful, such a relief to me. Of course this time I did not leave Wichita until Dad told me that they were boarding. The day before I ended up making two trips to Wichita … not what I wanted to do again.
I stopped by to replace my shoes, which even as comfortable as they were, they were to the point of replacing. Found a pair of comfy boots, got some stocking stuffers for my boys. Then went back to Mom’s & Dad’s. Logan was amazing because he watch Athenah the entire time I was gone. But I am just happy, because it made the trip easier. She likes to go places, but does not like being “trapped” in a car seat or stroller … can you blame her?
The next couple weeks we (Logan, Athenah & me) relaxed, baked, played games & after dark drove around to look at Christmas Lights. Logan about had a cow because most of the lights we found were simply white/clear. He listens to his GrandPa too much on that topic, as well as a few others But I have to agree with him, when you decorate for the holidays you want cheerful. Using only one color, can be a bit depressing. And white/clear lights don’t do so well when it snows. But if you use a variety of colors, it really makes it cheerful and seems more like the holidays. Basically, go from “bland” to “cheerful.” Then again, each person has an idea how they want to decorate. (feel for my sons, because the next holiday season, my home will get decorated as I prefer)
The games were ok, Logan loves to play a large variety. He is good with strategic options.

Games, Lights, Baking VIEW SLIDE SHOW DOWNLOAD ALL

After a while, my husband & sons arrived. Then it was a more baking, games, and getting ready for the holidays. Plus during this time, my husband & I celebrated our 14th anniversary. Out to dinner, which was nice. Then we check out the theater, which we opted out of because there was nothing playing we really wanted to see. Then we picked up some last minutes gifts, for the boys & him.
I was really excited about this holiday because for the 1st time in my life, 39 years, I was suppose see my GrandPa on Christmas, as well as the Lamb’s. Usually it is celebrated with the McAllister’s on Christmas Eve, and Lamb’s on Christmas Day. Lunch was with my GrandPa, which we did enjoy. But sadly we missed “dinner” with the Lamb’s because they let me know on Christmas Eve that it will began at 1pm on Christmas. Which it was pointed out that “From one of the Lambs who never let you know”, as well as “We are happy you are here after all these years” … I was rather insulted. I have been back for the holidays. But sadly I do not come back every year, I do not live in KS. Plus I have a family of my own, which does now include an extended family that lives in NC, GA & FL. Yet, I have traveled to KS several times to be here for the holidays. Yea, I am a bit unhappy over this holiday season … but in the end, I has my husband, sons & granddaughter to celebrate it with. That is the most important part, MY FAMILY was together. Seeing that in the past my husband has missed the holidays because he was deployed. So, regardless of what happened I had an amazing holiday’s because my family was together. My husband was not deployed, and it was our 1st holiday season as a RETIRED military family!!!! There is nothing more important than having the person you love with you, and now there is no more worries of him having to deploy over the holidays. For me, that made this the BEST holiday, ever.
So accepting all the negative & positive of the holidays, is just something I will just learn to handle. But will always know the holiday season of 2011 was the best. Plus it will start off the rest of our lives, outside of the military.

Enjoying the Holidays VIEW SLIDE SHOW DOWNLOAD ALL

After the holidays, hubby & sons went home. Logan & I took Athenah to the Zoo, as well Carey Park to play and feed the ducks. Logan has been working hard on school work, so he can play League of Legends.  Which it has been suggested that I learn to play by Logan & Mike … LOL so not gonna happen. But it was a cute request . He is working hard because he has to take a test so he can start high school next year. Which I have discussed it with him several times, and although I am not found of public schools, I think that he will learn a bit more than we can teach him, or K12 can teach him.

Fun times for All … VIEW SLIDE SHOW DOWNLOAD ALL

But I really have to say that I am so thrilled that my parents are truly enjoying their trip out to see Yanni & Jayden (Cate & Eric, too). They really needed the break from stress, and the day to day life here. They are getting to make precious memories with their grandsons, daughter-in-law, sons, and the extended family they have over there!! Going to horse races, parks, malls, salons, family dinners … and so much more. (Hopefully soon they will come visit us here in the states.)
Now off to spend time with my son & granddaughter

Outside fun …

Giggling, and enjoying swinging

Athenah LOVES to be outside. Going for walks with us in the evening, playing with all her toys outback, and going to the park. She just loves it, and in those times, you can simply enjoy the simple things that just makes people happy. After all, we were once those children playing and enjoying life.

Just enjoying a walk

I think the most fun we have is when she is at the playground or with the toys in our back yard. She is so active, and enjoys the time outside.

Play Time VIEW SLIDE SHOW DOWNLOAD ALL

All I can say, is that she keeps all of us busy. From her Uncles, to Pa and MeMa … and always has us with smiles, laughing & simply enjoying how much fun the simplest and silliest things can be.

Add Music, and it still makes it fun

I think the vids and pictures pretty much sum it up! But what you should really keep in mind, is how much fun they have … and sometimes it’s a good idea for adults to relax a little and find that fun time in themselves.

Happy 1st Birthday, Athenah Rea

Happy Birthday

Actually Athenah had 2 for her 1st. One with just family, and the second one with a few people her mother invited. (Lucky I found out because she was planning on having our home filled with far too many of her own friends . People I do not know or care to know, check that I do know a few … at times that is FAR to many.)

On her actual birthday she got a Tinker Bell cupcake. Then we had the “party” on that Saturday. Which that had a white cake with blue flowers, and edging around it. Athenah got her own little white cake with a pink rose on it. (Which covered her from head to toe, and then some )

We had a great day. Party, with a few people over, cute gifts, cake & ice cream, decent pictures. The cutest part was her devouring the cake. The funniest part was when we told her mother SHE could bath her (the look was priceless but no pic of her facial expression, sadly). We, also, got to show her who to open packages (which Uncle Mike will NO longer be allowed to wrap … the tape was horrid). Once she figured out there was something under the wrapping paper, she would try to pull it out.

All in all … my sons, husband and I have had an amazing year with Athenah. There will be more to come in the following years, but 1st birthdays are the most precious. (I wish her older brother would have been here to celebrate it with her.)

Happy Birthday Athenah Rea VIEW SLIDE SHOW DOWNLOAD ALL

Later that night we went and watch Roller Derby, 580 Girls. Although our home team lost, it was pretty good to go see. Athenah enjoyed it, of course she wanted to go down and play with them.

Roller Derby VIEW SLIDE SHOW DOWNLOAD ALL

Cannot wait see how Christmas will be this year … prob gonna have to keep all presents up out of the way so our little grand daughter doesn’t open them all!

My poor husband

Yesterday my husband spent so long in the ER. They ran test, after test, on him. But they would not release him because his blood pressure was severely low. Plus he has pneumonia, and they could not give him any form of meds unless he was watched. That is when they secured a bed for him, and transferred him to the upper floors.
They did breathing treatments all night & morning with him. I know he didn’t get much sleep, so I won’t take our kids or granddaughter up to see him. I want him to rest, and he cannot do that with us in there. Yes, that seems harsh but I want him to recover & come home soon.

My husband looked at me yesterday and said "How do you feel when the shoes on the other foot?” I just smiled at him. Because until last night he didn’t grasp that idea. Then he wasn’t enjoying have made that point. They have been running test after test on him, blood, CAT, Ultrasounds, urine, sputum … all those tests that make you feel horrid when they appear. Even worse when they let you know those didn’t give any results, which means MORE tests.

I never wanted my husband to have to go though this. He’s always so healthy, and this has to be so hard for him. I know it is, because he keeps asking me how I am doing. Hello, I am not the one in the hospital!!! It’s hard, extremely, because you are stuck with dr’s deciding what to do with you. “no this test was ok, so we are gonna run these now instead” Leaving you with the thought “why didn’t you just do it the 1st time?” Dreading seeing the nurse, tech, or dr. Wanting to just pack up & leave … letting them find someone else to test or diagnose.

Home Sweet Home

original post date: 12/28/10

Mom always told us “it’s where the Army sends us.” Which happened to be Ft Bragg NC, for most of my live. Since then home has been in several places, but to be honest right now home is here we are retiring, Oklahoma. Where the army eventually sent us.

I went to visit my parents & house-sit while they were gone. Using that as my mini-vacation. I lived in Nickerson for 3 or 4 years, yet it doesn’t even feel like home (or ever has). I have pictures of it, even went by where we lived during that time. Yet it doesn’t have a feel to it at all.  There is really no way to explain it, but when you go by a place you have been & there is a connection to it.
Now this was back in Oct, and I loved the time I spent in Hutch. I watched Hutch High’s Homecoming Parade, down Main St (yes, it’s called Main St). I walked though the car show, and was simply amazed over the vehicles. I loved walking though Carey Park, drove though South Hutch, walking though parts of Nickerson … it was interesting to see many places again. Some I knew, other’s I should have known plus all the changes they had. I mean, Nickerson has a police office! Then there are all the changes to the high school, although I don’t see why they were done.
Now our latest vacation (the family) was to GA. Were we spent the holidays with family. Although there were some hitches, there is nothing like walking into a house and feeling like it’s a home. We stayed at Wade’s home (Stacey’s brother). Which was a bit crowded when you figure it was perfect for the couple who lived there … add us 6, and it was bunched but we did not feel unwelcomed. Going over to Teresa’s home (Stacey’s cousin) was amazing. A huge Christmas tree, with gifts up under it, with cards & pictures all over.The kitchen was small but great place to sit and talk over anything. Going over to Rebel’s home (yes, another brother), was so shocking! It was a beautiful home, seems his wife has done some work on the home (serious artist here & I love her creations) & Rebel (all of which is great). Meeting up with part of the family there was amazing, and hasn’t been done in so long. The family was definitely family! They had their issues but they found a way to work around them, which was great for the holiday season.

But the day we arrived back home, it was simply amazing. Our home, there is no other way to state it. I loved visiting Hutch & seeing the sites in that area. I loved going back to GA to visit everyone. But “home sweet home” was exactly where we left it … and how we left it. It did not get a whole in the roof from tree branches, it did not burn down … it was just sitting here waiting for it’s occupants to return. Our pictures on the wall. The photo album with our memories. The little mess here or there from the rush getting out the door.
Yes it is great seeing family, or visiting past places but nothing is like walking though the door of your home. The place that you created & reflects you. The place where you simply are.

This time the army sent us in the right direction … straight home.

  
I loved the low fog in KS

   
                              Granny & Elf Athenah                        Grandpa Vern, Grandmother & Athenah Rea

 

Madison, Granny & Athenah, Miranda, Ivo, with back of Teresa’s head

 

      
                Rebel, Carolyn & Stacey            My boys & their Cousin Kathryn       

 

Ivo, Teresa, Stacey, Tricia, Wade & Athenah Rea

My Favorite Area:

 

Home & family … always the best to have.

Still alive & breathing

original post date: 11/10/10

Yep we are still here, breathing & alive. My daughter moved out, my son has an interview at Hot Topic & he is engaged, my second son is getting promoted, and youngest son is getting enrolled in a school better suited for him.
The best news …. My husband is retiring! Check that, he’s putting his paperwork into retire. It’s good by Army, hello Civvies World. LOL funny to say seeing that I am living off base already. But this will be great, not to have to attend FSG meetings or battery events. Not have to worry if what is happening in our family is disturbing his COC. (when you have several medical appointments a day for 3 weeks … they tend to get rather annoyed)

I have gotten back into life since I went on vacation. I am learning that being a grand mother can be amazing fun. I have two little ones to pay with silly toys, sing songs & just dance all over the house. I play on the equipment at the park with the oldest, and rock the youngest to sleep. I get to eat with my fingers at dinner, getting the oldest to try new things & learn to enjoy what you have. Stories, songs, walks, naps (boy oh boy do I need those), playing with pots & pans … and that list goes on. It will be interesting as the youngest gets beyond the infant stage. But she still has fun, smiles & tries to laugh quite a bit.

Now I am just waiting for the clearance for my neck surgery. I think it will help so much with my migraines, and neck issues. Then I have to wait & get clearance for them to work on my back … he he he my kids said they should just take out all the bones & give me artificial ones. Yep I can see that happening, “ma’am we have decide that we are going to cut you from top to bottom taking out the bones on one side. Replacing them with these new artificial bones. Then we will close you up, and do the same to the other side. You will take 6 months to a year to recover. But we can discuss that after the surgery. OH  I think she is under, I hope she heard what I was telling her.” LMAO as if that will ever happen, 50 million dollar person … not!!! They had a great idea, something that has been made in to TV shows. Oh well, now it is time to wait …. hope for the best & expect the worst.
And yes, I am hoping they call & tell me my surgery is schedule in two weeks. So wait I will do.