3 months

My dad called, but he also sent an email. Life is just tearing us a part …

There is no easy way to say this, so I will just lay out the facts as we were told.

They were able to identify the primary source of the cancer as being in her bile duct. It is a very aggressive type of cancer and is in its advanced stages in her liver. As you know it is classified as stage IV liver cancer. This disease carries a very poor survival of less than 3 months. But that is a worse case scenario. Hopefully the chemo will be able to slow the progress of the cancer and give her more time.

Right now the clinic is going thru the paperwork drill with TRICARE to ensure they will pay for everything. Once that is done we will be notified of a date to start her chemo treatments. She will go in for the chemo one day and then back the next day to get IVs to flush her system. This will be repeated the following week and then she will get a weeks break before beginning the cycle all over again.

For now Mom is pretty much in a state of shock and trying to adjust to what she has been told today. Please hold any calls until maybe tomorrow to give her time to compose herself and maybe get some rest. She is sleeping right now, as the news we were given has left her mentally and physically drained.

If any of you want/need to talk to me I will be home the rest of today. I am sorry to have to be the one to tell you this horrible news.

Dad

Music that have touched my grief

I just heard Over you by Miranda Lambert. Now it is about losing a personal loved one. The way she sings this song it is like she is singing your own pain. It is simply amazing, she finds a way to touch others with music like this. There is no other way to explain it.
Hearing these song actually helped me remember a little bit more of my GrandAnn. Because she talks about little things that most people forget to remember. Those little things helped me remember those little things I thought I didn’t have. I know there are memories I will never recover, but the little bits. (The house that built me)
I remember being with her when Ma’am was visiting … her, I have little memories of, which saddens me … GrandAnn loved us being there. She would talk about all the things we missed, our Aunts & Uncles, as well as our cousins. She talked about GrandDad a lot, she was so proud of him and you could see the love had for him. That was the love that I truly wanted, and found with my husband.
Plus some the items she made for us. Dresses, blankets … she seemed to love to sew her grandchildren clothes. Those were the only dresses I ever wore just because I knew she made them with love.
I remember her working for a paper. Typing up her items. Helping GrandDad when he needed her with the Lamb Funeral home.
I wish I remember more … but in life, we do not get that option we get to choose on. So, we listen to others stories that others tell, and enjoy what they have to say. We tell our tales, and they enjoy just as we did. Sharing memories is one of the best things a person could do … that is how we learn from others. That is where we learn history a bit closer to home. After all, each person creates history; they effect it in their own way.

I can only hope that I make a positive influence. But I am still learning every day … so who knows what tales my descendants will share about me.

“One joy scatters a hundred grief's.”

original post date: 12/30/10

Every day there is nothing but war, devastating event or some horrid drama on the news. The media always focus on that, after all it draws us in. Yes, even I admit to being pulled in by the horridness of what they show. Just yesterday I watch the 20 most significant murders in Hollywood, and then the top 20 of children murderers. I love horror movies, but even I know when a point is reached. I watched them because to me, I was trying to see or understand why they would do this. Interviews were included, and much more. But did I understand or even come close? No, just as I at times do not comprehend war or watching what nature can do on it’s own to devastate us. Yet, every time there is something like this, we are pulled to watching.
Although that is part of what I am blabbing about, it’s not what I want to focus on. I love to read, although I cannot stay focused on some books, others just take me away. I get so absorbed in them that I can see what  they are writing about. Oh did I get off topic, sorta. I have this bookmark that has the Chinese writings for: Happiness, Harmony, Tranquility, Prosperity. I love that bookmark, but the part I always read over & over again is the Chinese Proverb on back: “One joy scatters a hundred grief's.”
For every one of those devastating events, for all the negative just one positive thing can make the day worth living. Each day I see all this negativity but each day one simply things always brings a smile to my life. It’s may sound a bit harsh but it’s not. In life you have to find something positive, something that means something to you. The best thing to do is find 5 positive things in life, they help bring you though the day. But that is getting a bit off topic as well, isn’t it?

“One joy scatters a hundred grief's.”

I see those joys all around me, from grass growing or getting too tall, to leaves falling from a tree. But the best ones are the way my kids & grandchild enjoy their lives, and the smallest things they see or find to enjoy. The best to describe them is to show them, after all a photo is worth a thousand words, so how about a few?

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What popped into my head today

original post date: 8/26/10

In life you have your wants, needs, & desires. Then you have your own version of what YOU think are  your wants, needs, and desires … and damn it sucks to learn that YOU idea is not always what you need.
I found in life that if you always went for what you though was a need, you found out that it was more of a want or desire. Sure you get some great experiences from the challenge, and you learn to much.
But let’s just stop and think, do you really need all the bs that we try to go for?
Yes a house is needed, and I am loving the one my husband go for us … even with all the work we need to do. It’s our home, a place for us to live and shelters us.
The F150 we had, wasn’t needed … I loved my truck, and at times still miss it. But to be honest, transportation doesn’t need to be like my truck was. We have 2 cars, one going to my son, but like I learned over in Germany, buses & my feet work really well. I can get anywhere I need to by those simple means. Yes, our car is great because it gives me the time to get there when I feel like it, plus seeing I love to drive … I can drive where ever I feel like. (which I have been known to do often & worry people when I don’t tell them!)
Of course there is the normal must haves: food, clothes. LOL but even those can be over done. I mean do you really have to eat out every meal, every day? It’s one thing to eat out ever so often, but really? It’s really not all that health, plus cooking at home is simply fun! And clothes, even I have been known to over do it there. Oh the sad fact is that going over board can just be too much. But it is something that people do …

Hey even I admit when I am guilty of it. After all, I am simply human. Each day, provides some interesting lessons. Sometimes it just takes us a bit to learn from them …

 

But of course the desires, well that is something each person has to figure out for themselves.

Death of a loved one

We never get to say who comes & goes in our lives. Coming to terms with a death is a difficult time.
Did we get to say good-bye? Did we get to tell them that we loved them, on last time? Did we tell them how special they were?

Most of the time, the answer is no. That leaves us with so much that we want to say, or felt we should.

This month (Feb 2010) our family lost Anthony Michael Barrow, at 21. He was just too young to say "good-bye" to.

And no, we didn't get to say "good-bye", or tell him how much we loved him.