Karla Jo McAllister

Oct 20–Oct 26 ~ Update on Mom/Grandma

Saturday ~ Last week was very hard on Mom/GrandMa, physically & emotionally. She has eaten a bit, but is using the time to rest. She is going to church with her Dad, he is all excited about it ... which makes her happy. It was going to be a surprise, but she felt like she had to give him something positive instead of “bad news” about her. It made them both happy, and that I am grateful for. Also, Cathy & Mike McA stopped by, which was great for Mom. They had her laughing, which is something we have not seen in days. She is always grateful for visiting family & friends, they help her more than they can imagine.
Even though this last week has been tough on Mom, she has been trying to make each day a good day. She has goals that she is trying to make. When she hit’s those goals, she makes another. That is the best thing for her to do right now. This coming week she is kicked into surviving long that the docs gave her. Her quote “I AM A SURVIVOR”

Sunday ~ Today Mom went to church with her dad & sister, Karen. She enjoyed the service & seeing all the people she knew. But sadly, she was unable able to sit though the entire service. She was a little upset that they had to leave so soon. She received many well wishes and offers of prayer from the congregation. She sang, cried, and was simply grateful to be there with her dad ... it meant a lot to both of them.
But sadly, it seems that the rest of today she will be down. The trip & service where pushing just a little. She is still able to get up & move around, but mainly is resting because tomorrow is Chemo treatment.
Oh in case you didn’t notice, I am writing these day by day, instead of trying to remember everything at the end of the week.

Monday ~ Chemo did not go as planned. It would appear that the current treatments (2 different types of chemo) were no longer working. The cancer adapted to them. There is one more type of chemo they will start up next week. Mom will go in for 2-4 hours, for lab work & various other items (nausea meds, potassium, etc.). Then they will attach a pump to her for approximately 2 days. She will not have to sit through 8 hrs. of chemo each Monday. Right now, we are unsure if this is a weekly treatment or ever other week. I will let you know in the following update.
Mom was grateful for not having to go through chemo today. It was like she knew it wasn’t working the way they wanted it to. Plus it was completely wiping her out. She is up and moving today, which compared to this weekend, is simply amazing. She still has her sense of humor, because she found a way to joke & laugh when being teased. (Which do happen but with all the extra stress ... it’s not too often lately)
But keep in mind that there is no expiration date on her feet or any where on her body. She will do her best to keep fighting this ... but keep in mind, that eventually she will be worn out by the constant fighting. We all must be prepared for that day; whether we like it/don’t like it, or accepting it/not accepting it. Mom wants us all to stick together & remember her in the positives ways she tried to remember others.

Tuesday ~ This day was a day of resting. No appointments, no driving all over the place ... just a beautiful day to sit outside and enjoy it. Mom just loved it, because she didn’t have to wear a jacket or coat. The breeze was one of those “just right” types. Not too cold or hot. Simply a beautiful day.
Karie O stopped to see her big sis, and she brought a lovely floral plant ... it is beautiful. Plus she gave Mom a figurine with a scarecrow that has “Autumn” on it. Mom really enjoyed see her sis, they talked for what seemed like hours ... I think it was good for both of them. (Thanks Karie for coming by)
Later that night, Mom read the info on her pending Chemo. She talked to Dad & I about it, told us it’s there when we want to read it. Plus she told us how she felt after reading it. I think it did her some good to have some idea as to what they are giving her. She will be Folfox, you can look it up online to get more info ... otherwise this email would be pages long

Wednesday ~ Not much happened today. It was more of a resting day. Mom is trying very hard to prep herself for the Folfox treatment. Which means drinking ROOM TEMP beverages, bundling up .... down that line of thinking. She is just trying really hard to get read for this treatment pending on Monday. But she is so grateful that Dad, Karyl W & I will all be there, this way all of us know about the pump. She is gonna talk to her other siblings to see if they would go to the following apt so they can learn about the pump, which will relieve her mind (LOL and give Dad & I a break ). I think it would be good for those who are local to go with her, they have been simply amazing ... and this way, they can ask the nurses & doc questions they may have. It has been so hard on everyone.

Thursday ~ Learning to bundle up isn’t not something Mom likes to do. Todays weather showed that .... but I will say she is trying!! Mom is still emotional about the passing of her brother. It is really hard on her siblings & herself, and it makes her want to fight even harder. Yesterday, I was a bit worried because it’s been a week since she found out, but she is slowly going though the “grieving process” ... it has been a hard week for all the siblings & her dad. I am just grateful it has pulled them closer together.

Friday ~ Started off bad, but Mom decided it would be a good day no matter what. Her sister, Karen L, stopped by ... she really enjoyed that time. Yea, I think they talked for hours, even though it wasn’t actually that long . It was ups & downs all day, but Mom worked really hard on keep her head up & enjoying the cold weather.
Her eating has gotten a lot better. And she is working to prepare for the new chemo on Monday. She has to learn to bundle up because of possible nerve damage. But with the loss of her brother, she is determined that she will be here for a while ... Go Mom!!!!

Oct 13–Oct 19 ~ Weekly Update

Saturday, ended up being a “stay at home” because Mom got to feeling really “yucky” ... these days are to be expected, but she was NOT happy because she missed Allie’s Volley-Ball game. Something she was really looking for, both Mom & Allie, sadly it turned into one of her bad days. (the kind of day where just want to stay in bed and be taken care of)

Sunday, we got up prepared for going to church with Mom’s dad. Sadly & luckily for Mom, he wasn’t up to going. She was doing a bit better, but last week it would have pushed her too hard. (This week she is gonna go, she is just as excited about it as he is!) But she did get to eat some cake & ice cream to celebrate Dad’s/GrandPa’s 63 Birthday ... hey we had to plan something a little early, or he would have caught on. (Yep, he didn’t suspect any thing)

Monday, Karyl took Mom to chemo, which we are grateful for. She let Dad know all the in’s & out’s that were needed, which was the same as before. (Thanks Karyl ... it was appreciated. More than you know.) Mom slept through most of chemo treatment, which is good for her. But it really messes up her sleeping habits.

Tuesday, Mom didn’t want to go to the hydration appt. But I talked her into it, and we were there for less than 2 hrs.!!! Way to go Mom ... she only needed a little hydration, and nothing else. (they usually give potassium, and occasionally other meds ~ for nausea, etc.) By the time we left that appt, Mom was exhausted. (yep, Tuesday was a bad day) Tuesday night, Mom began running a fever (plus a few other issues) so we took her to Newton’s ER. They ran all kinds of tests on her, but nothing showed up. They believe it was because of the tumors & chemo .... sadly, these are symptoms will happen because of the treatment she is receiving. The doc just wanted to make sure it wasn’t because she caught something else ... that would have meant another hospital stay

Wednesday, was a lot of napping, to catch up from the sleep we all missed for the night/morning ER “visit.” Karen was gonna take Mom to the Farmer’s Market, but since she wasn’t up to it, she brought her some tomatoes ... I wish she would have stayed to talk to Mom. But she wanted Mom to rest. (I have to agree with her, but it’s hard because it does seem to help when Mom has visitors ... but she needs the rest)

Thursday, was recovering from earlier days this week. Wednesday was a hard day for all. Mom went to see her dad ... those two have really bonded lately. (I am so simply grateful for.) They talked for quite some time. Then we stopped by GrandAnn’s grave. Mom had her time to talk to her mother. As well as see the work they have been doing on the marker.

Friday, was a slow day. To rest, & relax. Dad suck it up that he was officially 63!!! (Way to go Dad) PLUS Mom got to talk to Yanni & Jayden (Oh, Eric of course) via computer. She really loves those “calls.” But then she loves all the calls she gets from her GrandChildren (hint hint ).

I think that covers the week. There are some good times/days, as well as bad ones. But for the most part, she is fighting hard. She wants to have more time with each of us ... as a group or one on one. For that alone, I am grateful ... and will support her decision.

Oct 7- Oct 12 ~ Weekly Update

Saturday, Mom went to see Allie’s Volley Ball game. She is going to try to make the next game this Saturday. Finger cross, because Allie really want to see her. Allie told Mom that she was a “good luck” charm. Because the team won when they were there!!!

Monday went decently. Mom is only high up on magnesium. Karyl went with us to meet the doc, so she could explain it to the Lamb side of the family.
Tuesday – Friday, was covered with some bad days or good days. But Mom work through them all, determined to be the survivor she keeps telling people. She collapsed Wed night, but that was more from the morphine ...she was not hurt. She slide down the wall, then after a few, Dad moved her back to bed.
Cathy McA, Karen & Karie have been visiting. Thanks ladies, those visits are really good for her.

Friday, we went out to Grand Ann's grave site to put a Halloween Deco on it. So, now it has one for Easter, Halloween & Fall/Thanksgiving figurines; a few wind chimes; as well has flowers ... the visit did Mom some good. After the trip to Grand Ann, we went to see Mom’s dad. That was a good visit for both of them. There were teary eyes, but I believe they are bonding ... something they both need.

Monday, Karyl’s talking Mom to Chemo. That way she can meet the nurses & be there for Mom. Thanks a ton Karyl, I know it is going to be tough but I am simply glad you all are here for her

It will break your heart

When you are told that you mom has Stage 4 cancer, it definitely will break your heart. But it’s even harder to tell your kids about it … after all, that is their GrandMa.
We have been dealing with this since Aug 2012. It hasn’t gotten any easier. And it won’t.
Now Mom is buying time by taking Chemo. Hoping to give us extra time with her … more for us than for her.
That is what you call a strong woman! A woman to remember & tell about to our kids, grandkids, great-grandkids … an on down the line. Because no matter what, she will be forever in our hearts …

I love you Mom. You are the greatest woman I have ever known!

Oct 1–Oct 6 ~ Weekly update

Monday, was Chemo. She did amazing, rested, ate ... even though it was a long procedure she handled it well. Tuesday, she was hydrated. Then she went to the Dollar Tree for a short time. Found what she was looking for (flowers, wind chime & figurine for GrandAnn’s grave; plus Halloween deco). She came home and rested, after having a hotdog & some fries.
Wed & Thurs, were hard on her. She slept a lot, and her stomach wasn’t agreeing with her those days. She saw her sisters, Karie & Karen, they stayed a while talking ... it was good for her. Then she talked with Eric’s family for some time, she was just so excited. She loved seeing Eric, Cate, Yanni & Jayden ... she talked about it for a while. Even told Dad a lot of the conversation. Those two visits & the Web cam chat were really great for her. There was a slight problem getting some of her meds, but the lady at Dillions worked with them, so she got the right ones. (such a relief for Dad, Mom & me)
Friday, Cathy McA stop by. Those two were like kids in a candy store. So much to talk about, and both left with smiles and a little teary-eyed. But today she is up and moving again. She has eaten, taking her meds ... and seems to be having a great day!

This weekend, Mom is gonna try to get out to GrandAnn’s grave. She was gonna go watch Allie’s volley ball game, but has to follow Dr orders about being around people – she cannot chance getting sick, so she cannot go. She was so disappointed, but has accepted that there will be times she cannot do exactly what she wants to .... She is handle it better than I expected. Dad is more worried about it than both Mom & I, but he has good reasons to be. It’s his wife that he is looking out for ... you have to love him for that.

I will try to keep you all updated, but sometimes I won’t be able to do so that day ... so look for weekly reports, they are much easier.

3 months

My dad called, but he also sent an email. Life is just tearing us a part …

There is no easy way to say this, so I will just lay out the facts as we were told.

They were able to identify the primary source of the cancer as being in her bile duct. It is a very aggressive type of cancer and is in its advanced stages in her liver. As you know it is classified as stage IV liver cancer. This disease carries a very poor survival of less than 3 months. But that is a worse case scenario. Hopefully the chemo will be able to slow the progress of the cancer and give her more time.

Right now the clinic is going thru the paperwork drill with TRICARE to ensure they will pay for everything. Once that is done we will be notified of a date to start her chemo treatments. She will go in for the chemo one day and then back the next day to get IVs to flush her system. This will be repeated the following week and then she will get a weeks break before beginning the cycle all over again.

For now Mom is pretty much in a state of shock and trying to adjust to what she has been told today. Please hold any calls until maybe tomorrow to give her time to compose herself and maybe get some rest. She is sleeping right now, as the news we were given has left her mentally and physically drained.

If any of you want/need to talk to me I will be home the rest of today. I am sorry to have to be the one to tell you this horrible news.

Dad

"Close to You " book link

http://browseinside.harperteen.com/index.aspx?isbn13=9780062081056

I am NOT Satan’s SPAWN

I am ready to pull my freaking hair out. BECAUSE no matter how NICE or POLITE I try to be, I always end up with “You are mad at us, aren’t you?”
I am pleasant. I have NOT yelled or used rude language. I EVEN completely EXPLAIN why I have been in touch. But every time I get that “mad” bull and then have to listen while someone who is UPSET fusses and throws a fit.
Last time I checked, as a PARENT, you should always DOUBLE check what is told to you. That way there is NO misunderstandings. Which in this case, there was a MISUNDERSTANDING.

When my oldest gave me some info, he did not have it exactly correct. So, it was a good thing that I did CHECK to make sure it was correct. Instead of being mature, I ended up dealing with two people who seem to be out to make me look like Satan’s SPAWN or some other freaked out DEMON.
No I am not “mad” over this, I simply disappointed in the immature behavior of adults. It really just saddens me.

I have been sick for over a week. Just got into see my new dr last week. PLUS my granddaughter has been sick, she passed it to me (awww so sweet right?). So, on one of the days I was feeling some what decent, I tried to figure out what was going on. I texted one of the people because I was not feeling up to talking to anyone. I was still coughing & did not have the energy to hold any type of conversation.
Straight up direct question, no bitchiness or demon-waves in the message. Then I get a call from an angry person because I guess for some reason “I was mad.” Now, I had texted & EVEN called the person who thought I was upset. I left the person a voice mail letting her know I was NOT upset, angry, mad … I was just double checking.
I was running a fever. Coming down with chills. I could not keep food in my system. Why on earth would I be “mad” when I simply wanted to DOUBLE check what I was told by my son? (cause there was some miscommunication in what my son told me … and I even double checked it with my son)

So to clear matters up with the world … I am not Satan’s SPAWN, some freaked out DEMON, or out to make ANYONES life miserable. I am simply a MOTHER who has the intelligence to DOUBLE check what is told to her!

What I really hate about medical problems

Over the last few years I went from decently healthy to massive medical problems. I guess I had them before but they were not officially diagnosed. Now, it seems like every time I see my dr. I end up with yet another issue to add .
I have or have had:

• Stroke
• fibromyalgia
• arthritis
• bulging disk in my back & neck
• migraines
• ulcers
• depression
• PFO
• low-iron anemia
• blood pressure issues (too low on a normal basis; too blasted high when I get upset)
• stress (far too much according to my doctors)
• panic attacks
• anxiety issues
• slight allergy to the sun (sunscreen doesn’t even help)
• allergic to morphine (so freaking annoying)
• bone growths on the back of both knees
• bladder issues (yep, it even happens to us younger folks)
• sleeping problems
• nerves problems (like not being able to use arms or legs)
• bruising all over body
• loss of hair (do to meds I am on, as well as medical problems)
• acid reflux

LOL it’s bad when you forget a ton of items that you have been diagnosed with. But honestly, it is really bad to be afraid to see your doctor when you know he is going to give you more issues to learn to deal with.

I have told my doctor that one time I would enjoy seeing any of them as long as they provided me with positive news. He just laughed and said I was always an interesting patient … really??? One who DOES NOT want medical problems. One who is now more afraid of seeing my doctors. One who is scared of what they will tell me next. How does that make me “interesting”???? In my opinion, that makes me a fearful patient, definitely not interesting.
But I guess in there case, they are getting to use all the medical training. Which means I am “interesting” to them. I cannot hate them because they are great doctors, and they are always honest with me when I see them. They do not do  give me that bull where they … what’s the correct word or phrase? … treat me like a person who will simply crash from hearing the news they have to give me. They are direct and straight up with me, which I am grateful for. They do not treat me like a porcelain doll that will just crumb if touch wrong. Trust me I have seen doctors treat patients like the were fragile. Treat them as though they would simply crumble from the news they were given.

My parents taught us that you have to accept what the news. You can get upset over it. You can get sad or depressed over it. But you have to learn about what you have. You have to learn to laugh about it, and accept it. Because in the end, there is not much else you can do … except ignore it.
Ignoring your medical problems do not make them go way. It makes your life harder. I recently learned that. I was honest, told people I had a stoke. I told them, but did not let them know just how much I lost when it occurred. I did not tell them, the closest of my friends or even my family, know the actual severity of it. I was embarrassed, and ashamed because I truly did not remember so much about these people who were close to me. I had some feelings where I knew that some of these people were trustworthy and others I was uncomfortable around. Some of the people in my life, I have since learned why. Others I am still learning more about.

Guess the title of this blog should be something else. But honestly, for me it fits. Because I really do hate my medical problems. They cause me to avoid being close to people like I was before. They prevent me from doing a lot of things. Even chores around the house, you know vacuuming … that can take me over an hour to do. Because I get so exhausted from it. Exercising makes me feel amazing, but will put me in bed for a few days. Which really bites because I end up with so much energy, but my body itself crashes. Playing outside with my granddaughter, I can do a little but then have to rest. Hiking, which is so much fun, but afterwards my body crashes if I “over do it.”
”Over doing” is a phrase I really dislike. Today, I was looking for my router disk to set up my computer with our home router (love wireless … gives me more freedom that sitting at a desk). So I was cleaning up the computer area in our home. I got so tired, and I was not even finished cleaning & organizing. I had to stop. Went out back to talk with my son, stood up and the world started spinning around me … my husband had to help me get back inside because I was afraid I was going to collapse. There was NO WAY I was going to have to get my son to carry me inside. That is just way to embarrassing, for me that is.

See, my family seems to understand & accept that I have the medical problems I have quicker than I do. They are patient, but at times they do get a little irritated. After all, it sucks when you cannot take your child to the gym. Or go bike riding, hiking, fishing, swimming … or half a million other things that are fun to do with family. Sure movie nights are great, or board/card games are fun. But what kid wants to do them all the time? Even I get tired of playing them or watching movies/TV shows all them time. I love going hiking with my family. I enjoying going fishing with them. But even they know that “over doing it” prevents me from doing other things with them. And yes, I can “over do it” playing board/card games.

I guess, in many ways, I am one of the luckiest people on the planet. Simply because of the understanding, compassion, love and support that I received from my family. I really helps me so much that they do understand, even with they get irritated. Because without them, my life would be so much harder.
So while I truly hate my medical problems, I have the greatest family when it comes down to dealing with all the issues that seem to find their way to me.

I am learning to accept all my medical problems, and I will laugh at them. After all, if you do not find a way to laugh … you will live in misery. I prefer happiness, love, enjoyment. Misery can go find someone else. I just wish some people understood the concept of why you should laugh … it makes accepting so much easier.

How I handled MY anger

Friday, well it was horrid, something I will NEVER go though again.

Instead of sinking to that level, I turned around and left. Now once I was outside, far from those inside, I mumbled a large variety of negative things about the behavior of a man I HAD respected.
I have found that you can talk to some people. I have found that there are people that refuse to listen. But in the end, it all comes down to common sense, compassion, maturity, calmness, tact and a whole lot of listening. Not hearing but listening to what a person says. And if you do not understand, then you should ask questions … not get upset.

No I am not a person who is looking to give the world peace. I am simply a person who said something, and got attacked over it. I am a person who had the common sense to listen & observe the individual actions as well as facial expressions. I was the person who really did want to smack him across the face … Instead, I spun and left.
Just because someone does stupid things like that, it does not mean I have to. I called it “stupid” because it was. The behavior, the facial expressions, the body actions and (by worse) the angry.

See, had I said something about how he talked to me, there would have been one heck of a family WAR. I am not that petty, so I left. But the second I walked out that door, I had only one grandparent living.
Family should use all the above items I listed for communication and preventing arguments/attacks. It is truly a shame when they don’t, it destroys them.

Well, I am tired. It has been one heck of an emotional weekend for me. I finally got the tissue box put aside (but close incase I need it). Now I am going to watch a movie, and then get some well needed sleep (nothing like being up for almost 48 hrs to kick your butt )
I hope you all have had a better weekend that I have!!! Later

Yesterday I lost my GrandDad … but he’s still alive

There was a post on FB where my Mom’s dad (he use to be my GrandDad) told Mom not to worry about the blood sugar and the rest of her medical problems. He told her that she has to stop thinking about herself, to stop being “me-centered” and that she need to start thinking about others.
The problem with this is my Mom was posting what was going on, but joking about it. She believes that working through hard issues should require laughter & joking. She has been working with handling a broken foot, blood pressure issues & pulse issues, and recently diabetes. She has joked about these, but keep her family involved. Sadly, her father did not see it that way.
I posted a tactful, respectful, and polite post explaining this to him. I told him that we were raised to handle situations, but to also find a way to laugh at them. Which has helped us eventually deal with them. Plus it keeps us from being over stressed. My Dad taught my Mom, and they both taught my brothers & I. I even told him that I loved him.

Yesterday, just before 5:14PM (the time my husband called after the event) I walked into his home. He was ranting to his son Chris, and probably Karyl (who cause so many freaking problems). Chris sound like he was trying to reason with him, by telling him we basically do things differently and did not mean to upset him. Well, Mom & Dad stopped, but I went straight to him. I was going to give him a hug, because I know he has been going through so much with the death of GrandAnn (his wife & my grandmother).
The second he saw me, he started in on how he was not going to listen to any more about the FB post. I tried to interrupt by telling him I just wanted to give him a hug. But he kept ranting and cursing at me … yes, the man who is suppose to be my grandfather decided to curse me up one side & down the other plus he told me it was MY fault (????how) that he was back on some medication, that he was off of. In this process, he told me to leave his home. I spun, crying by then (viewed by Chris, who did nothing & my parents) and left the house. He was still yelling at me, treating me like I was nothing. Like I had no right to say anything that he did not agree with or like (basically kiss his ass). When I got close to the door I loudly stated “Good-bye GrandDad.” (he wears hearing aides but they do not work) I walked straight out, refusing to be talked to in that manner.(creating on hades of a migraine … should have told him “Thanks, for the I migraine BECAUSE I run the risk of another STROKE each time I go through one.” That would have only pissed him off even more!)
When he verbally attacked me, and when I was facing my Mom, I saw that he tore her apart by attacking me. Each word out of his mouth shredded her heart; her love for him, her respect for him, the compassion she had for him … everything a father should mean to a child simply died.
I light up a cig and began to walk back to Hutch, but as soon as I hit the stop sign, I started to go back, figured my parents would be worried. Then I figured my parents could pick me up along the way. Instead, they came out of the house, I headed back to the car.
During this time you can hear my Mom’s father yelling, and I was out in the road. Plus you can here Karyl yelling. Not once did I hear my parents raise there voices. One the way out my Dad said “Jesus F*cking Christ” to which Karyl threated to basically beat his ass … what a joke that was. (I would have pulled up a chair, and at pop corn while my Dad (who does not hit a woman) would have defended himself & made her suffer.)
Mom was crying when she got to the car, and had been crying inside the house as well. I do not know what he said to her, but she began crying when she saw him attack me.

But I am proud of myself. Instead of stooping to their level, I walked away. I refused to listen to a person (no matter how old they are or how much respect they believe they should have) insult, degrade, curse, disrespect me or treat me like I was nothing. I have been through hades and back in my life, but I have always managed to get through it. I have worked hard to be a decent (good) person.
But in the end, he tore my heart apart. I have been in that person’s life for 39 years. I am his 1st grandchild, and his 1st granddaughter. I am the child of his daughter, who has been in his life for 59 years. I have gone out of my way to visit him over the last 3 months (yep, I have been in this area for 3 months, leaving my husband to care for our children … cause Mom has to have someone here for her. Dad works, and cannot take this time off … or he does not get paid)
I cried all the way back to my parents house. I tried to stop, because it was hurting my Mom. She kept getting more and more upset & worried because of how much I was crying. I tried to stop, or cover my mouth so she could not hear me. It just did not work because of the pain he caused in me, the tears simply kept coming. The only time I could not completely bawl my head off, was when my husband called. I got to talk to my granddaughter & him. He knew something was wrong, but I told him I just could not discuss it at this time (what I did not tell him was that it would have had me crying my eyes out worse than I already had been). But he knew something was wrong … I love him so much for understanding! I finally began to stop crying because my Mom kept apologizing for this!!! She did nothing wrong, but she was apologizing because she NEVER wanted me to see this. (I guess my brothers have seen it, but I do not know about me … when I had my stroke it took away a lot of my memories) I kept telling her that it was NOT her fault, that I NEED to see this because this is the true individual who claimed to love me. I NEEDED to know the type of person he was, as well as who Karyl was (but had a good idea, since she has not talked to me the ENTIRE time I have been here … sweet actions for an aunt, huh?). I told her I NEED to know the truth about these people, because I have children and a granddaughter … who NEVER need to be put through that type of touchier, heart break, pain or treated like they are nothing.
I gave my Mom a hug, and then went to the room I am staying in. I changed into my PJ’s. I put Mom’s extra ash tray, my book, my Puff’s kleenex, my cigs & lighter on the bed. I had, also, put the MP3 player (my son gave me) plus connection cord to computer, thumb-drive, my camera, my purse & my laptop … all on the bed. I went to refill my glass of sweet DECAF tea, took my evening pills.I went down stairs because I heard my parents talking, about the situation & me. I told Mom I would be ok, that I was hurt, disappointed & angry. That I did not understand why this was such an issue with her father. Then Mom said she was going to return the glucose monitor that her father gave her. I  After a bit, I went to refill my tea, and Dad asked me if I wanted to go get a microwave for Mom (since theirs is not working). I said sure, I needed to pic up more cigs & sunflower seeds … he laughed and told me sorry he forgot to get them. I went to change back into my clothes, got ready to go & went.
Dad talked to me a bit about this entire situation. He told me this is how they usually are. EVEN he apologized, saying I did NOT need to see this. I told him, as I told my Mom, that I NEEDED to see this. Finally we got to the store. He got the microwave, and I got my sunflower seeds (cigs are too expensive there). He told me we would stop by gas station so I can get them. And I am so proud of my Dad. He was so supportive with Mom & me, he was understanding & compassionate about all of this. He did not even get upset that I had come close to chain smoking. But he got upset with my Mom’s family for causing her the stress to basically be chain smoking. We got my cigs, and came back home. He brought in new microwave, I told Mom to come up to see the huge thing and she hobbled up the stairs with her foot that is BROKEN in 5 (yes, 5) places. Instead of being happy, she look like the world had actually started ending. She watched him set it up, filled up her drink and then headed back downstairs, I told her she got the perfect housewife’s gift … a dozen peach roses, stuffed teddy bear & a microwave. She said she was grateful but was so hurt she could not be joyful over it.
I went downstairs. I sat beside her, told her that Dad brought home a dozen peach roses & stuffed teddy bear (which is adorable!!) earlier today to show her that no matter what he was there for her & loved her dearly. Then he took a bit of extra time to get the microwave. She told me she could not get happy because she could not believe what happened at her father’s home. That she was so devastated & her heart torn to pieces that she could not even find a smile. I told her that no matter what, she could not let them take the joy of the love & compassion Dad was giving her. (My Dad did not get upset, because he understood the pain she was going through.) She, also, apologized (yes, again) to me, that she was sorry that I had to go through that & actually see that. She was, also, worried about her grandchildren & great granddaughter because she would NEVER allow them to go through this. She said that they will NOT be allowed around her side of the family, but that would (also) hurt them because they would not know those people. NOT KNOW THOSE PEOPLE, hello … if they would tear me apart, then they would go after my children, my granddaughter, my niece & nephews. There was NO WAY I was going to allow them around those people. She cried, I cried & we hugged each other. I tried so hard to comfort her, but it was like hitting a wall … she was so upset, angry, disappointed, & devastated. She could not believe that her father would verbally attack me over something that was not disrespectful, rude, obnoxious, harsh … or any negative word you can come up with. She could not believe he would attack his own granddaughter, her daughter. She could not believe that he would take offense in what was said, because it was not attacking him in any way … it was just an explanation (plain & simple). She could not believe what he said to her, or what they did not my Dad. I have never seen her this torn up over what her family has done to her (and they have pulled some harsh things on her). I told her I would be ok, that my children, granddaughter, niece & nephews would be ok … but she believes they will miss out on knowing that family. No, they will miss out on the pain they will cause … something I will NEVER allow to happen.
I went up stairs, changed back into my PJ’s, then I texted my husband to see if he could talk. My granddaughter was still up, so I just texted him what happened, a brief note. While I was doing that he called, which I rejected because I wanted him to read what I said, then call me. Which my simply amazing husband did.
By then I was getting trash ready to take out. So, bundled up to go outside to put trash in large can. I was talking to him about this … trying so hard not to cry, but did. I had to try to stop because I had to go back inside to get my drink, tissue box, cigs & lighter. I asked my husband several times how to handle this. I told him that my Dad, my GrandPa, my brothers & he would never do this. I told him that his family never treated me in this fashion, that they should me love. I ended up using 1/4 a box of tissue. (I had to stop talking at one point, because Dad had to leave to go train the new guy at work.) While I was talking to him, I began picking up all the sticks in the yard, smoking like a blasted chimney (which I definitely did not need to do). After that, I quietly went back inside to get gloves because my fingers were FROZEN, and I had to use the bathroom. (Horrid mistake, putting hand with arthritis into hot water … my head spun and the pain was horrid) Then I went back out, I told my husband that I should not have asked him how to handle this situation (several times) because he has NEVER had to go through this. (Yes, I even double check on that.) I told him I was sick of bawling, it made me feel like a wimp. So, my wonderful husband put my granddaughter on the phone … she had me smiling after a few minutes. I got to talk to her, and listen to her new words (plus tons of jibber jabber). Then we talked about how our boys were doing, and I was so impressed (they are amazing sons). I then went inside, talking to my husband and granddaughter, and began cleaning my Mom’s kitchen. (cleaning is something I do when I am really upset. I talked to him for almost 2 1/2 hours (if not more). By just about 1am, I was done with Mom’s kitchen but I still have to vacuum, which I will do later today because Dad came home … and he needs his rest. (I did get to talk to my daughter for a short time)

Since then I have pretty much been in “my” room. I was reading earlier while computer was downloading programs I wanted. A couple times I went to see Mom, having her tell me to sleep – as if that will happen. Currently, with the emotions I am dealing with plus the migraine & tense back muscles … sleep I want, but I cannot reach.

I would to have an answer to how to handle this … but there is not one out there. After all, don’t most grandkids love their grandparents? Right now, I just want today to disappear, just like it never happened. But with all reason, I really NEEDED to see who these people truly are … and Mom has 2 sisters & 2 brothers who were not here, which means we shall have hades to pay. I have decided that if they show up on my parents property, I am gonna kick them off. If that does not work, I will call police to handle it. I truly want NOTHING to do with anything they have to say on this situation.
I buried my GrandAnn Jan 30th. Today, I lost my grandfather … by his choice. He told me to leave his home, and will never understand that people have different personalities. I have one grandfather left, my GrandPa (who would NEVER do this). I have NEVER felt like an outcast when I am around them.

So now I am gonna read my book, & try to relax. Later today or sometime this coming week, I am gonna try figure out a way to overcome this situation … and find away to get over the pain it has caused (ha ha de freaking ha). I have to watch clock so I can take meds for the migraine, it just will not go away. Now to relax, so my head will clear because I really need a clear head to get through this.

What a wonder freaking day in the world …

Good-bye GrandAnn

There are so many ways to describe a woman who touch so many lives.

I love you & appreciate everything you taught me, GrandAnn

Jo-Ann Lamb Husband & Descendants VIEW SLIDE SHOW DOWNLOAD ALL

To her final resting place

 

Her family

GrandAnn, GrandDad, my sons & granddaughter VIEW SLIDE SHOW DOWNLOAD ALL

(these are not in order, except the videos)

Music that have touched my grief

I just heard Over you by Miranda Lambert. Now it is about losing a personal loved one. The way she sings this song it is like she is singing your own pain. It is simply amazing, she finds a way to touch others with music like this. There is no other way to explain it.
Hearing these song actually helped me remember a little bit more of my GrandAnn. Because she talks about little things that most people forget to remember. Those little things helped me remember those little things I thought I didn’t have. I know there are memories I will never recover, but the little bits. (The house that built me)
I remember being with her when Ma’am was visiting … her, I have little memories of, which saddens me … GrandAnn loved us being there. She would talk about all the things we missed, our Aunts & Uncles, as well as our cousins. She talked about GrandDad a lot, she was so proud of him and you could see the love had for him. That was the love that I truly wanted, and found with my husband.
Plus some the items she made for us. Dresses, blankets … she seemed to love to sew her grandchildren clothes. Those were the only dresses I ever wore just because I knew she made them with love.
I remember her working for a paper. Typing up her items. Helping GrandDad when he needed her with the Lamb Funeral home.
I wish I remember more … but in life, we do not get that option we get to choose on. So, we listen to others stories that others tell, and enjoy what they have to say. We tell our tales, and they enjoy just as we did. Sharing memories is one of the best things a person could do … that is how we learn from others. That is where we learn history a bit closer to home. After all, each person creates history; they effect it in their own way.

I can only hope that I make a positive influence. But I am still learning every day … so who knows what tales my descendants will share about me.

How my heart broke Jan. 24, 2012

My GrandAnn passed away late the night of Jan 24, 2012. We had been watching her slowly die over the last month. This tore me apart for many reason, but the main one was my selfish behavior when I visited my parents. See, I was upset over some of the ways that my Mom was treated ed by her family. This caused me to be selfish and not go see my grandparents or Aunts & Uncles. I did not even see my cousins on that side of the family.
Hindsight kills you. Because now I do not have that many memories of an amazing & beautiful woman. A woman who was a good grandmother. One who loved us so much through out our lives. I was GrandAnn’s Birdy. That is what she called me for so long. When we were young we visited often, which was hard on my parents but they made sure we knew our extended family. We lived near them twice, once when I was younger probably around 3 or 4. My brother was born here. My grandmother rushed my mother to the hospital when she went into labor. She stayed with my mother, showing her that she loved her & was there to support her. My father was stationed overseas at the time, which had to be hard for him, missing his son being born.
The next time we lived there I was about 15. We stayed until just after I graduated. My grandparents loved having us over. And until Mom found a place, with the help of my grandparent’s, we stayed with them. It was nice from the few memories I have of that time. When we moved to the house Mom found, we were always invited over. My GrandAnn loved when I went to Church with them, so did my GrandDad. I feel as if I enjoyed the times I went with them, but am not quite sure because of the lack of memories I have. My Aunt made my prom dress, and my GrandDad took pictures of me in it. They seemed to be impressed with how I looked in it. As well as how their daughters worked together to get the fabric, pattern and making sure I stopped by for the measuring's and fittings.
But there were bad times too, which happens in families. There were times they would forget that Mom was close by, which is understandable see that we were a military family. This upset Mom, and because of it, I was upset & disappointed in our extended family (sorry I use that, but it’s easier to type than “grandparents, aunts & uncles”). But just because they made mistakes, and we made mistakes does not mean I should have acted the way I have as I grew up.
Since Dec 2007, I have been in this area. My family stayed with my parents while we searched for houses at our new duty station. When we found a house, we still came up to visit. During those visits I would occasionally go see my GrandAnn & GrandDad. But as each visit occurred I gradually cut my visits with them. Sometimes I would not even stop by. Yes, that is horrid & very selfish. Yes, it was flat our wrong to do. But I was thinking with anger and disappointed feelings.
My Mom and I have been going over daily since my GrandAnn’s  health turned for the worse. It tore us all apart, my GrandDad (who had been married to her for 62 yrs.); my Mom, her siblings & their families; my family & me. It was stressing my father out because of how much it was hurting my mother, my brothers were also worried about Mom.
On Dec 26, GrandAnn’s breathing became like a person having an asthma attack (which I have seen). My Mom knew she would pass soon, but could not watch the mother she loved pass. It was already tearing her apart just to be there as she slowly died.
When my aunt called Mom, she woke Dad & me up. She called my brother and he notified our other brother. I drove her to their home, the one she was raised in, to see her Mom & to be there with her Dad & siblings. They were grateful that she came, because they needed  her as much as she needed them.
They were grateful that I was there as well, but I felt so much guilt over my actions. Because I decided to pull away from a family that loved me no matter what I did. They tried to show their love when I did stop by, but I honestly did not know how to respond to them. I was not use to being around them, so for me it was difficult. I am sure it was difficult for them as well.
The one thing that I truly learned is that I need to have a better relationship with my GrandDad, Aunts, Uncles & cousins (& their families). I need to make some serious steps to build a bond with them. And can only hope that they will take those steps as well.
On Dec 26 2012, I told my GrandDad that I was extremely sorry for not stopping by. For not creating great memories with them. That I would love to hear stories about my GrandAnn, when he was ready to tell them. He told me he was writing about his life, and that I was welcome to sit down and read it. He told me to sit back in the computer area, and read all I wanted too. I asked him if GrandAnn did, he nodded. So, I will get to read her stories about her life, as well. This may not be the memories I had in the past, but it will give me an idea of how they became the people they are.

Although my heart broke, I learned a valuable lesson. I did not get to say good-bye to my GrandAnn, when she was still alive, but this blog is my good-bye to her. Her death taught me a lesson that I truly need. Even in death, my GrandAnn found a way to give my positive advice. This advice I am going to do all I can correct. There is no excuse for my behavior, it was selfish. But I have let my GrandDad know I want to be more involved in the family. I have told my aunts & uncles that as well, including my cousins. Now I can only hope that my aunts & uncles, plus their families will forgive the selfish actions & help me rebuild a relationship with them.

Trip to KS … 1st part

The first week in KS resulted in all of us with the stomach flu & recovering from it. Nothing worse than trying to care for 2 kids, and not vomit along side them. My heart went out to both of them, because they were so exhausted & worn out.
My parents packed for the trip to see Yanni and Jayden, as well as Cate & Eric. It was a horrid start for a trip, 1st day the flight was CANCELLED. Mom was all prepared to leave, and was so upset when they cancelled the flight after they had been sitting there for a few hours. Dad was simply disappointed in the fact they could have let the passengers know the flight was going to be delayed or cancelled … but the positive thing is my SIL is their travel agent & she had it fixed in no time at all.

1st Trip to AirPort VIEW SLIDE SHOW DOWNLOAD ALL

The worst part, is I went to Hobby Lobby to get fabric to make my boys PJ’s. Then we stopped by Subway for Lunch. It was nice until we got back to Hutch & I had to make a trip back to Wichita.   Logan watched Athenah, instead of dragging them back to the airport.
The 2nd trip was successful, such a relief to me. Of course this time I did not leave Wichita until Dad told me that they were boarding. The day before I ended up making two trips to Wichita … not what I wanted to do again.
I stopped by to replace my shoes, which even as comfortable as they were, they were to the point of replacing. Found a pair of comfy boots, got some stocking stuffers for my boys. Then went back to Mom’s & Dad’s. Logan was amazing because he watch Athenah the entire time I was gone. But I am just happy, because it made the trip easier. She likes to go places, but does not like being “trapped” in a car seat or stroller … can you blame her?
The next couple weeks we (Logan, Athenah & me) relaxed, baked, played games & after dark drove around to look at Christmas Lights. Logan about had a cow because most of the lights we found were simply white/clear. He listens to his GrandPa too much on that topic, as well as a few others But I have to agree with him, when you decorate for the holidays you want cheerful. Using only one color, can be a bit depressing. And white/clear lights don’t do so well when it snows. But if you use a variety of colors, it really makes it cheerful and seems more like the holidays. Basically, go from “bland” to “cheerful.” Then again, each person has an idea how they want to decorate. (feel for my sons, because the next holiday season, my home will get decorated as I prefer)
The games were ok, Logan loves to play a large variety. He is good with strategic options.

Games, Lights, Baking VIEW SLIDE SHOW DOWNLOAD ALL

After a while, my husband & sons arrived. Then it was a more baking, games, and getting ready for the holidays. Plus during this time, my husband & I celebrated our 14th anniversary. Out to dinner, which was nice. Then we check out the theater, which we opted out of because there was nothing playing we really wanted to see. Then we picked up some last minutes gifts, for the boys & him.
I was really excited about this holiday because for the 1st time in my life, 39 years, I was suppose see my GrandPa on Christmas, as well as the Lamb’s. Usually it is celebrated with the McAllister’s on Christmas Eve, and Lamb’s on Christmas Day. Lunch was with my GrandPa, which we did enjoy. But sadly we missed “dinner” with the Lamb’s because they let me know on Christmas Eve that it will began at 1pm on Christmas. Which it was pointed out that “From one of the Lambs who never let you know”, as well as “We are happy you are here after all these years” … I was rather insulted. I have been back for the holidays. But sadly I do not come back every year, I do not live in KS. Plus I have a family of my own, which does now include an extended family that lives in NC, GA & FL. Yet, I have traveled to KS several times to be here for the holidays. Yea, I am a bit unhappy over this holiday season … but in the end, I has my husband, sons & granddaughter to celebrate it with. That is the most important part, MY FAMILY was together. Seeing that in the past my husband has missed the holidays because he was deployed. So, regardless of what happened I had an amazing holiday’s because my family was together. My husband was not deployed, and it was our 1st holiday season as a RETIRED military family!!!! There is nothing more important than having the person you love with you, and now there is no more worries of him having to deploy over the holidays. For me, that made this the BEST holiday, ever.
So accepting all the negative & positive of the holidays, is just something I will just learn to handle. But will always know the holiday season of 2011 was the best. Plus it will start off the rest of our lives, outside of the military.

Enjoying the Holidays VIEW SLIDE SHOW DOWNLOAD ALL

After the holidays, hubby & sons went home. Logan & I took Athenah to the Zoo, as well Carey Park to play and feed the ducks. Logan has been working hard on school work, so he can play League of Legends.  Which it has been suggested that I learn to play by Logan & Mike … LOL so not gonna happen. But it was a cute request . He is working hard because he has to take a test so he can start high school next year. Which I have discussed it with him several times, and although I am not found of public schools, I think that he will learn a bit more than we can teach him, or K12 can teach him.

Fun times for All … VIEW SLIDE SHOW DOWNLOAD ALL

But I really have to say that I am so thrilled that my parents are truly enjoying their trip out to see Yanni & Jayden (Cate & Eric, too). They really needed the break from stress, and the day to day life here. They are getting to make precious memories with their grandsons, daughter-in-law, sons, and the extended family they have over there!! Going to horse races, parks, malls, salons, family dinners … and so much more. (Hopefully soon they will come visit us here in the states.)
Now off to spend time with my son & granddaughter

My Bucket List

One that I have thought about, and put off doing. Now lets see what I can add to this little list over the next couple weeks ... Sorry, all but considering having one & making it were two different steps.

Tricia's Bucket List

1. learn to scuba dive
2. see my sons get through college
3. find other was for treatments than pill after pill
4.