It will break your heart

When you are told that you mom has Stage 4 cancer, it definitely will break your heart. But it’s even harder to tell your kids about it … after all, that is their GrandMa.
We have been dealing with this since Aug 2012. It hasn’t gotten any easier. And it won’t.
Now Mom is buying time by taking Chemo. Hoping to give us extra time with her … more for us than for her.
That is what you call a strong woman! A woman to remember & tell about to our kids, grandkids, great-grandkids … an on down the line. Because no matter what, she will be forever in our hearts …

I love you Mom. You are the greatest woman I have ever known!

3 months

My dad called, but he also sent an email. Life is just tearing us a part …

There is no easy way to say this, so I will just lay out the facts as we were told.

They were able to identify the primary source of the cancer as being in her bile duct. It is a very aggressive type of cancer and is in its advanced stages in her liver. As you know it is classified as stage IV liver cancer. This disease carries a very poor survival of less than 3 months. But that is a worse case scenario. Hopefully the chemo will be able to slow the progress of the cancer and give her more time.

Right now the clinic is going thru the paperwork drill with TRICARE to ensure they will pay for everything. Once that is done we will be notified of a date to start her chemo treatments. She will go in for the chemo one day and then back the next day to get IVs to flush her system. This will be repeated the following week and then she will get a weeks break before beginning the cycle all over again.

For now Mom is pretty much in a state of shock and trying to adjust to what she has been told today. Please hold any calls until maybe tomorrow to give her time to compose herself and maybe get some rest. She is sleeping right now, as the news we were given has left her mentally and physically drained.

If any of you want/need to talk to me I will be home the rest of today. I am sorry to have to be the one to tell you this horrible news.

Dad

How I handled MY anger

Friday, well it was horrid, something I will NEVER go though again.

Instead of sinking to that level, I turned around and left. Now once I was outside, far from those inside, I mumbled a large variety of negative things about the behavior of a man I HAD respected.
I have found that you can talk to some people. I have found that there are people that refuse to listen. But in the end, it all comes down to common sense, compassion, maturity, calmness, tact and a whole lot of listening. Not hearing but listening to what a person says. And if you do not understand, then you should ask questions … not get upset.

No I am not a person who is looking to give the world peace. I am simply a person who said something, and got attacked over it. I am a person who had the common sense to listen & observe the individual actions as well as facial expressions. I was the person who really did want to smack him across the face … Instead, I spun and left.
Just because someone does stupid things like that, it does not mean I have to. I called it “stupid” because it was. The behavior, the facial expressions, the body actions and (by worse) the angry.

See, had I said something about how he talked to me, there would have been one heck of a family WAR. I am not that petty, so I left. But the second I walked out that door, I had only one grandparent living.
Family should use all the above items I listed for communication and preventing arguments/attacks. It is truly a shame when they don’t, it destroys them.

Well, I am tired. It has been one heck of an emotional weekend for me. I finally got the tissue box put aside (but close incase I need it). Now I am going to watch a movie, and then get some well needed sleep (nothing like being up for almost 48 hrs to kick your butt )
I hope you all have had a better weekend that I have!!! Later

My poor husband

Yesterday my husband spent so long in the ER. They ran test, after test, on him. But they would not release him because his blood pressure was severely low. Plus he has pneumonia, and they could not give him any form of meds unless he was watched. That is when they secured a bed for him, and transferred him to the upper floors.
They did breathing treatments all night & morning with him. I know he didn’t get much sleep, so I won’t take our kids or granddaughter up to see him. I want him to rest, and he cannot do that with us in there. Yes, that seems harsh but I want him to recover & come home soon.

My husband looked at me yesterday and said "How do you feel when the shoes on the other foot?” I just smiled at him. Because until last night he didn’t grasp that idea. Then he wasn’t enjoying have made that point. They have been running test after test on him, blood, CAT, Ultrasounds, urine, sputum … all those tests that make you feel horrid when they appear. Even worse when they let you know those didn’t give any results, which means MORE tests.

I never wanted my husband to have to go though this. He’s always so healthy, and this has to be so hard for him. I know it is, because he keeps asking me how I am doing. Hello, I am not the one in the hospital!!! It’s hard, extremely, because you are stuck with dr’s deciding what to do with you. “no this test was ok, so we are gonna run these now instead” Leaving you with the thought “why didn’t you just do it the 1st time?” Dreading seeing the nurse, tech, or dr. Wanting to just pack up & leave … letting them find someone else to test or diagnose.

“IT’S NOT FAIR”

original post date: 12/28/10

Fair??? There is no freaking FAIR in this world. We try to be decent people, and do the correct thing. Well, that is some of us do.
Yet there is always that one person who expects you to do it all for them. And when you say NO they start begging, and saying “it’s not fair.” I had to stop & really figure out what I should say and how I wanted to say it.

Not Fair … not when you have to watch a person bury their child. Not fair … when you watch soldiers deploy to a country with a high chance of dying. Not fair … when you see a young child living in a car, or on the streets. Not fair … when you watch the news over a child who’s supposed family killed them. Not fair … is simply what you will find when you look around life. Not fair … Not fair … Not fair … is something all of us are tired of hearing.
Yes you can find “fair” when you get off your butts and start making it happen. Learning to understand that religions are differently, not forcing yours on others, and finding a way to accept them. Learning to know that some people should not be allowed to raise children, to understand when they start reaching out for help. Learning to accept when you can do something & not feel worthless because of it. Learning to control rage, and know when to stop … and find someone when you know you need help to prevent it.
There is so much more to create “fair” but does the list have to keep going? After all that is just the simple start of the list. Watch the news, read the paper, listen to the talks of adults … because you will hear so much that is considered “not fair”. But the most amazing part? Is how they many handle it. When it’s done with out harming another, you will see more “fair” than you would ever expect.
Remember: Life is not fair, it is not some freaking fairy tale. There is no “happily ever after” unless each of us makes the steps to find it. You will still have your ups & downs, but it will be the choice you made.

I am rather sick of hearing “not fair” from so many people. Each day my husband & I wake to raising our 3 amazing boys, and our beautiful granddaughter. We wake each day to check on our daughter, who has moved out & on with her life. Each day we wake knowing that the only way we can have that “happy ending” is by enjoying what we have. Yes there are things that we would like, but to be honest, they are things that we may truly not need. We wake each day knowing that life may give us a little twist or a massive one. But each day we work though it. That is how we find out “fair” in life.

Stop looking at the “not’s” in your life, and look at what you have. Because that is the only “fair” you are gonna find. Go build your castle, or our house with a white picket fence, or what ever you want … but do it with a bit more common sense.

Life’s good & bad times

original post date: 10/20/10

There are always good & bad times in all lives. Hey, it can be from the littlest things to the heartbreaking one. Kissing that “boo boo” because it hurts so much. Or holding someone when they cry their eyes out over the loss that just occurred. Helping a person when they have hit rock bottom. Smiling at the cutest little thing your child has done. Swinging around in hugging circles because you are so excited but don't have the words to express it. Laughing so hard you are crying or crying over the most amazing event. That is just simply life. We can say we just can’t take it any more or just aren’t getting enough. Either way, it is what is occurring in the world on a regular basis.

No, I don’t mean we should all be harsh about what is going on in others lives, or that we should compare their lives to ours for more understanding … that would make us all a bit harsh or really over-stressed. No, I am looking at this from an “one person view.” Because to be honest, I quit trying to understand others when I was back in high school. Have this slight memory where I am talking to the counselor and telling her that people are just not worth the effort to completely understand. Oh I have some sight on people, even I am not that self-centered, because otherwise I would be the hobbit (that I once considered becoming).

In some ways, what my really extended family does bothers me. BUT (yep there is always one of those, isn’t there?) when you haven’t had a person directly involved in your life on a regular basis, it pretty much makes it a mute point when you become an adult. Right? I don’t sit down and write everyone a cheery little email or letter about how things are going, but neither do I receive them. I have tried in the past to do the letter writing, let’s just say “what a joke” and move on.
Each of us was raised in a different environment, a different life style, and differently. Yes we were all taught the basics, but other than that … not much else was the same. Do I regret that, nope. Am I angry about it, nope. There are a ton of no’s I could list, but that really doesn’t help too much or make anyone feel all that great. So another move on.

Going from being able to do everything to “*&^*%(&)(*” limited, it really takes a blow to you. When you are use to being able to do something like grocery shop alone, it really sucks when you have to have someone with you to complete it. When you LOVE driving, yet you find yourself limited to short drives here and there, it can be devastating. Moving around with out the fear of getting bruised or hurt, is simply a blessing (more than you can imagine) to being worried because people tend to get the wrong idea when you are really bruised & in pain. Or my favorite, having just one doc and expanding to well over 5 well before you even turn 40 … well, that can really bring you down. Recovering from medical issues in your life, only to have some one use against you … sweet when someone tries to do it. (stupid when they look like a complete a$$!)
It comes down to really not looking like things are going to well for you. Today I told my dad “when I am your age I hope to be as healthy as you are, because you are out doing me now.” He laughed, teased me I have to get there 1st. Sad part is, I do have to get here 1st. Will I be watching my granddaughter and her cousins at that age or will they be wishing I was. Tomorrow is a day I cannot predict, nor do I want to. I enjoy the unpredictability of life. Of how it can surprise us with each twist & turn of the way to the end … yes, even our lives come to an end. But our memories don’t, that is the most interesting part. To be the story told your ever so great grandchildren. I am sure all of us have those tales that will be told, even if we don’t see them … someone does. That really counts, to be a positive memory.
I have taken those good & bad days on with full force. Enjoying the good, and fighting though the bad. Trying to be there for those in my life when they have them, as well. (Not always an easy task … ) I enjoy laughing until I cry, and have done it more than a few times. I enjoy watching my children do the silliest things, and those nerve racking ones as well. I have kissed many “boo boo” and will probably kiss a few more. I try to teach my children that family isn’t just those around you, there are others who are just a phone call, letter, email or text message away.

The one thing I really hope my children understand is that those bad days are just as important as the good. They help shape us. Give us a view on life in a unique, and entirely personal way. The good give us the joy, happiness, and all the emotions that occur. The bad, we know how we feel on those days. That is what keeps us balanced. All 100% cheerful days, and what all would we have learned? All 100% sad days, and were mankind would be won’t be such a great place to live in. A balance between the two is always the best way to go, and hope for.