How I handled MY anger

Friday, well it was horrid, something I will NEVER go though again.

Instead of sinking to that level, I turned around and left. Now once I was outside, far from those inside, I mumbled a large variety of negative things about the behavior of a man I HAD respected.
I have found that you can talk to some people. I have found that there are people that refuse to listen. But in the end, it all comes down to common sense, compassion, maturity, calmness, tact and a whole lot of listening. Not hearing but listening to what a person says. And if you do not understand, then you should ask questions … not get upset.

No I am not a person who is looking to give the world peace. I am simply a person who said something, and got attacked over it. I am a person who had the common sense to listen & observe the individual actions as well as facial expressions. I was the person who really did want to smack him across the face … Instead, I spun and left.
Just because someone does stupid things like that, it does not mean I have to. I called it “stupid” because it was. The behavior, the facial expressions, the body actions and (by worse) the angry.

See, had I said something about how he talked to me, there would have been one heck of a family WAR. I am not that petty, so I left. But the second I walked out that door, I had only one grandparent living.
Family should use all the above items I listed for communication and preventing arguments/attacks. It is truly a shame when they don’t, it destroys them.

Well, I am tired. It has been one heck of an emotional weekend for me. I finally got the tissue box put aside (but close incase I need it). Now I am going to watch a movie, and then get some well needed sleep (nothing like being up for almost 48 hrs to kick your butt )
I hope you all have had a better weekend that I have!!! Later

Yesterday I lost my GrandDad … but he’s still alive

There was a post on FB where my Mom’s dad (he use to be my GrandDad) told Mom not to worry about the blood sugar and the rest of her medical problems. He told her that she has to stop thinking about herself, to stop being “me-centered” and that she need to start thinking about others.
The problem with this is my Mom was posting what was going on, but joking about it. She believes that working through hard issues should require laughter & joking. She has been working with handling a broken foot, blood pressure issues & pulse issues, and recently diabetes. She has joked about these, but keep her family involved. Sadly, her father did not see it that way.
I posted a tactful, respectful, and polite post explaining this to him. I told him that we were raised to handle situations, but to also find a way to laugh at them. Which has helped us eventually deal with them. Plus it keeps us from being over stressed. My Dad taught my Mom, and they both taught my brothers & I. I even told him that I loved him.

Yesterday, just before 5:14PM (the time my husband called after the event) I walked into his home. He was ranting to his son Chris, and probably Karyl (who cause so many freaking problems). Chris sound like he was trying to reason with him, by telling him we basically do things differently and did not mean to upset him. Well, Mom & Dad stopped, but I went straight to him. I was going to give him a hug, because I know he has been going through so much with the death of GrandAnn (his wife & my grandmother).
The second he saw me, he started in on how he was not going to listen to any more about the FB post. I tried to interrupt by telling him I just wanted to give him a hug. But he kept ranting and cursing at me … yes, the man who is suppose to be my grandfather decided to curse me up one side & down the other plus he told me it was MY fault (????how) that he was back on some medication, that he was off of. In this process, he told me to leave his home. I spun, crying by then (viewed by Chris, who did nothing & my parents) and left the house. He was still yelling at me, treating me like I was nothing. Like I had no right to say anything that he did not agree with or like (basically kiss his ass). When I got close to the door I loudly stated “Good-bye GrandDad.” (he wears hearing aides but they do not work) I walked straight out, refusing to be talked to in that manner.(creating on hades of a migraine … should have told him “Thanks, for the I migraine BECAUSE I run the risk of another STROKE each time I go through one.” That would have only pissed him off even more!)
When he verbally attacked me, and when I was facing my Mom, I saw that he tore her apart by attacking me. Each word out of his mouth shredded her heart; her love for him, her respect for him, the compassion she had for him … everything a father should mean to a child simply died.
I light up a cig and began to walk back to Hutch, but as soon as I hit the stop sign, I started to go back, figured my parents would be worried. Then I figured my parents could pick me up along the way. Instead, they came out of the house, I headed back to the car.
During this time you can hear my Mom’s father yelling, and I was out in the road. Plus you can here Karyl yelling. Not once did I hear my parents raise there voices. One the way out my Dad said “Jesus F*cking Christ” to which Karyl threated to basically beat his ass … what a joke that was. (I would have pulled up a chair, and at pop corn while my Dad (who does not hit a woman) would have defended himself & made her suffer.)
Mom was crying when she got to the car, and had been crying inside the house as well. I do not know what he said to her, but she began crying when she saw him attack me.

But I am proud of myself. Instead of stooping to their level, I walked away. I refused to listen to a person (no matter how old they are or how much respect they believe they should have) insult, degrade, curse, disrespect me or treat me like I was nothing. I have been through hades and back in my life, but I have always managed to get through it. I have worked hard to be a decent (good) person.
But in the end, he tore my heart apart. I have been in that person’s life for 39 years. I am his 1st grandchild, and his 1st granddaughter. I am the child of his daughter, who has been in his life for 59 years. I have gone out of my way to visit him over the last 3 months (yep, I have been in this area for 3 months, leaving my husband to care for our children … cause Mom has to have someone here for her. Dad works, and cannot take this time off … or he does not get paid)
I cried all the way back to my parents house. I tried to stop, because it was hurting my Mom. She kept getting more and more upset & worried because of how much I was crying. I tried to stop, or cover my mouth so she could not hear me. It just did not work because of the pain he caused in me, the tears simply kept coming. The only time I could not completely bawl my head off, was when my husband called. I got to talk to my granddaughter & him. He knew something was wrong, but I told him I just could not discuss it at this time (what I did not tell him was that it would have had me crying my eyes out worse than I already had been). But he knew something was wrong … I love him so much for understanding! I finally began to stop crying because my Mom kept apologizing for this!!! She did nothing wrong, but she was apologizing because she NEVER wanted me to see this. (I guess my brothers have seen it, but I do not know about me … when I had my stroke it took away a lot of my memories) I kept telling her that it was NOT her fault, that I NEED to see this because this is the true individual who claimed to love me. I NEEDED to know the type of person he was, as well as who Karyl was (but had a good idea, since she has not talked to me the ENTIRE time I have been here … sweet actions for an aunt, huh?). I told her I NEED to know the truth about these people, because I have children and a granddaughter … who NEVER need to be put through that type of touchier, heart break, pain or treated like they are nothing.
I gave my Mom a hug, and then went to the room I am staying in. I changed into my PJ’s. I put Mom’s extra ash tray, my book, my Puff’s kleenex, my cigs & lighter on the bed. I had, also, put the MP3 player (my son gave me) plus connection cord to computer, thumb-drive, my camera, my purse & my laptop … all on the bed. I went to refill my glass of sweet DECAF tea, took my evening pills.I went down stairs because I heard my parents talking, about the situation & me. I told Mom I would be ok, that I was hurt, disappointed & angry. That I did not understand why this was such an issue with her father. Then Mom said she was going to return the glucose monitor that her father gave her. I  After a bit, I went to refill my tea, and Dad asked me if I wanted to go get a microwave for Mom (since theirs is not working). I said sure, I needed to pic up more cigs & sunflower seeds … he laughed and told me sorry he forgot to get them. I went to change back into my clothes, got ready to go & went.
Dad talked to me a bit about this entire situation. He told me this is how they usually are. EVEN he apologized, saying I did NOT need to see this. I told him, as I told my Mom, that I NEEDED to see this. Finally we got to the store. He got the microwave, and I got my sunflower seeds (cigs are too expensive there). He told me we would stop by gas station so I can get them. And I am so proud of my Dad. He was so supportive with Mom & me, he was understanding & compassionate about all of this. He did not even get upset that I had come close to chain smoking. But he got upset with my Mom’s family for causing her the stress to basically be chain smoking. We got my cigs, and came back home. He brought in new microwave, I told Mom to come up to see the huge thing and she hobbled up the stairs with her foot that is BROKEN in 5 (yes, 5) places. Instead of being happy, she look like the world had actually started ending. She watched him set it up, filled up her drink and then headed back downstairs, I told her she got the perfect housewife’s gift … a dozen peach roses, stuffed teddy bear & a microwave. She said she was grateful but was so hurt she could not be joyful over it.
I went downstairs. I sat beside her, told her that Dad brought home a dozen peach roses & stuffed teddy bear (which is adorable!!) earlier today to show her that no matter what he was there for her & loved her dearly. Then he took a bit of extra time to get the microwave. She told me she could not get happy because she could not believe what happened at her father’s home. That she was so devastated & her heart torn to pieces that she could not even find a smile. I told her that no matter what, she could not let them take the joy of the love & compassion Dad was giving her. (My Dad did not get upset, because he understood the pain she was going through.) She, also, apologized (yes, again) to me, that she was sorry that I had to go through that & actually see that. She was, also, worried about her grandchildren & great granddaughter because she would NEVER allow them to go through this. She said that they will NOT be allowed around her side of the family, but that would (also) hurt them because they would not know those people. NOT KNOW THOSE PEOPLE, hello … if they would tear me apart, then they would go after my children, my granddaughter, my niece & nephews. There was NO WAY I was going to allow them around those people. She cried, I cried & we hugged each other. I tried so hard to comfort her, but it was like hitting a wall … she was so upset, angry, disappointed, & devastated. She could not believe that her father would verbally attack me over something that was not disrespectful, rude, obnoxious, harsh … or any negative word you can come up with. She could not believe he would attack his own granddaughter, her daughter. She could not believe that he would take offense in what was said, because it was not attacking him in any way … it was just an explanation (plain & simple). She could not believe what he said to her, or what they did not my Dad. I have never seen her this torn up over what her family has done to her (and they have pulled some harsh things on her). I told her I would be ok, that my children, granddaughter, niece & nephews would be ok … but she believes they will miss out on knowing that family. No, they will miss out on the pain they will cause … something I will NEVER allow to happen.
I went up stairs, changed back into my PJ’s, then I texted my husband to see if he could talk. My granddaughter was still up, so I just texted him what happened, a brief note. While I was doing that he called, which I rejected because I wanted him to read what I said, then call me. Which my simply amazing husband did.
By then I was getting trash ready to take out. So, bundled up to go outside to put trash in large can. I was talking to him about this … trying so hard not to cry, but did. I had to try to stop because I had to go back inside to get my drink, tissue box, cigs & lighter. I asked my husband several times how to handle this. I told him that my Dad, my GrandPa, my brothers & he would never do this. I told him that his family never treated me in this fashion, that they should me love. I ended up using 1/4 a box of tissue. (I had to stop talking at one point, because Dad had to leave to go train the new guy at work.) While I was talking to him, I began picking up all the sticks in the yard, smoking like a blasted chimney (which I definitely did not need to do). After that, I quietly went back inside to get gloves because my fingers were FROZEN, and I had to use the bathroom. (Horrid mistake, putting hand with arthritis into hot water … my head spun and the pain was horrid) Then I went back out, I told my husband that I should not have asked him how to handle this situation (several times) because he has NEVER had to go through this. (Yes, I even double check on that.) I told him I was sick of bawling, it made me feel like a wimp. So, my wonderful husband put my granddaughter on the phone … she had me smiling after a few minutes. I got to talk to her, and listen to her new words (plus tons of jibber jabber). Then we talked about how our boys were doing, and I was so impressed (they are amazing sons). I then went inside, talking to my husband and granddaughter, and began cleaning my Mom’s kitchen. (cleaning is something I do when I am really upset. I talked to him for almost 2 1/2 hours (if not more). By just about 1am, I was done with Mom’s kitchen but I still have to vacuum, which I will do later today because Dad came home … and he needs his rest. (I did get to talk to my daughter for a short time)

Since then I have pretty much been in “my” room. I was reading earlier while computer was downloading programs I wanted. A couple times I went to see Mom, having her tell me to sleep – as if that will happen. Currently, with the emotions I am dealing with plus the migraine & tense back muscles … sleep I want, but I cannot reach.

I would to have an answer to how to handle this … but there is not one out there. After all, don’t most grandkids love their grandparents? Right now, I just want today to disappear, just like it never happened. But with all reason, I really NEEDED to see who these people truly are … and Mom has 2 sisters & 2 brothers who were not here, which means we shall have hades to pay. I have decided that if they show up on my parents property, I am gonna kick them off. If that does not work, I will call police to handle it. I truly want NOTHING to do with anything they have to say on this situation.
I buried my GrandAnn Jan 30th. Today, I lost my grandfather … by his choice. He told me to leave his home, and will never understand that people have different personalities. I have one grandfather left, my GrandPa (who would NEVER do this). I have NEVER felt like an outcast when I am around them.

So now I am gonna read my book, & try to relax. Later today or sometime this coming week, I am gonna try figure out a way to overcome this situation … and find away to get over the pain it has caused (ha ha de freaking ha). I have to watch clock so I can take meds for the migraine, it just will not go away. Now to relax, so my head will clear because I really need a clear head to get through this.

What a wonder freaking day in the world …

How my heart broke Jan. 24, 2012

My GrandAnn passed away late the night of Jan 24, 2012. We had been watching her slowly die over the last month. This tore me apart for many reason, but the main one was my selfish behavior when I visited my parents. See, I was upset over some of the ways that my Mom was treated ed by her family. This caused me to be selfish and not go see my grandparents or Aunts & Uncles. I did not even see my cousins on that side of the family.
Hindsight kills you. Because now I do not have that many memories of an amazing & beautiful woman. A woman who was a good grandmother. One who loved us so much through out our lives. I was GrandAnn’s Birdy. That is what she called me for so long. When we were young we visited often, which was hard on my parents but they made sure we knew our extended family. We lived near them twice, once when I was younger probably around 3 or 4. My brother was born here. My grandmother rushed my mother to the hospital when she went into labor. She stayed with my mother, showing her that she loved her & was there to support her. My father was stationed overseas at the time, which had to be hard for him, missing his son being born.
The next time we lived there I was about 15. We stayed until just after I graduated. My grandparents loved having us over. And until Mom found a place, with the help of my grandparent’s, we stayed with them. It was nice from the few memories I have of that time. When we moved to the house Mom found, we were always invited over. My GrandAnn loved when I went to Church with them, so did my GrandDad. I feel as if I enjoyed the times I went with them, but am not quite sure because of the lack of memories I have. My Aunt made my prom dress, and my GrandDad took pictures of me in it. They seemed to be impressed with how I looked in it. As well as how their daughters worked together to get the fabric, pattern and making sure I stopped by for the measuring's and fittings.
But there were bad times too, which happens in families. There were times they would forget that Mom was close by, which is understandable see that we were a military family. This upset Mom, and because of it, I was upset & disappointed in our extended family (sorry I use that, but it’s easier to type than “grandparents, aunts & uncles”). But just because they made mistakes, and we made mistakes does not mean I should have acted the way I have as I grew up.
Since Dec 2007, I have been in this area. My family stayed with my parents while we searched for houses at our new duty station. When we found a house, we still came up to visit. During those visits I would occasionally go see my GrandAnn & GrandDad. But as each visit occurred I gradually cut my visits with them. Sometimes I would not even stop by. Yes, that is horrid & very selfish. Yes, it was flat our wrong to do. But I was thinking with anger and disappointed feelings.
My Mom and I have been going over daily since my GrandAnn’s  health turned for the worse. It tore us all apart, my GrandDad (who had been married to her for 62 yrs.); my Mom, her siblings & their families; my family & me. It was stressing my father out because of how much it was hurting my mother, my brothers were also worried about Mom.
On Dec 26, GrandAnn’s breathing became like a person having an asthma attack (which I have seen). My Mom knew she would pass soon, but could not watch the mother she loved pass. It was already tearing her apart just to be there as she slowly died.
When my aunt called Mom, she woke Dad & me up. She called my brother and he notified our other brother. I drove her to their home, the one she was raised in, to see her Mom & to be there with her Dad & siblings. They were grateful that she came, because they needed  her as much as she needed them.
They were grateful that I was there as well, but I felt so much guilt over my actions. Because I decided to pull away from a family that loved me no matter what I did. They tried to show their love when I did stop by, but I honestly did not know how to respond to them. I was not use to being around them, so for me it was difficult. I am sure it was difficult for them as well.
The one thing that I truly learned is that I need to have a better relationship with my GrandDad, Aunts, Uncles & cousins (& their families). I need to make some serious steps to build a bond with them. And can only hope that they will take those steps as well.
On Dec 26 2012, I told my GrandDad that I was extremely sorry for not stopping by. For not creating great memories with them. That I would love to hear stories about my GrandAnn, when he was ready to tell them. He told me he was writing about his life, and that I was welcome to sit down and read it. He told me to sit back in the computer area, and read all I wanted too. I asked him if GrandAnn did, he nodded. So, I will get to read her stories about her life, as well. This may not be the memories I had in the past, but it will give me an idea of how they became the people they are.

Although my heart broke, I learned a valuable lesson. I did not get to say good-bye to my GrandAnn, when she was still alive, but this blog is my good-bye to her. Her death taught me a lesson that I truly need. Even in death, my GrandAnn found a way to give my positive advice. This advice I am going to do all I can correct. There is no excuse for my behavior, it was selfish. But I have let my GrandDad know I want to be more involved in the family. I have told my aunts & uncles that as well, including my cousins. Now I can only hope that my aunts & uncles, plus their families will forgive the selfish actions & help me rebuild a relationship with them.

Family

original post date: 10/3/10

Exactly what is define as “family”? They are “family” because they are related by blood? Or are they family because no matter what they are always there, and you are there for them?

I would have to say that “family” would  be the 2nd question. When are you there for someone, and they are there for you, well that makes you family. Because you are showing that you truly do care for each other.

“Family” by blood can be harsh. You try & try, yet they don’t get off their butts to try. When you see them they act as if they don’t even want to waste their time talking to you. How sad is that?

Today I drove a bit more to see some “family” because it was just “too much for them to come out here.” I saw one of my “aunts” and she was so stand-offish. I tried talking to her, but it was like I was interfering with her time. Lovely, isn’t it? I keep telling myself that it’s different for me because I did not grow up around them. We were here for only a few years, and then we left again. (Can you blame me? Take a look at Nickerson & you will see why.)
Now my parents have been back here for over 10 years, yet  my mother is still treated “out of site, out of mind”.  I am use to it, I have tried talking to my “cousins”, “aunts”& “uncles” when I come back … LMAO that is simply a joke. I refuse to spend Christmas with them, because of the actions they demonstrated when I came back when my husband was in Iraq. My dad was the one who made sure that I kept my temper in check, he reminded me that this was special for my mother. Yes, my mom was the only reason I didn’t tell my “aunts” to take their opinions and shove them. I wanted to tell them that the horrid statements they were making judgment and wrong. Yet my mom was happy, and enjoy that Christmas … I did not & would not make that day turn bad for her.
My mother, who has always been there. Even when she isn’t physical there. My dad was always there, even when he wasn’t physical there. My parents taught us that even if you aren’t there, that you can still be a part of that persons life. But it takes two individuals to make that work. If you fail to get off your butt then you cannot expect the other party to be there too.

When I look at this, I see reasons why I don’t like letting people close. I see why I can turn away, for what ever reason there may or may not be. Because I don’t want to let people in my life who might be similar to my blood relatives. How sad is that?
I don’t remember much from when I lived in Nickerson, or the times we came to visit. I had to see pictures to know who some "relatives” were. I had to teach myself who they were, and how they were connected. Talk about a complete waste of my time, I could have been studying harder, or learning to over come the effects of my stroke. I wasted my time over people who simply don’t know what “family” truly is. (sigh … )

I came up to Hutch for a short break. I haven’t had a vacation by myself (well sort of) in a long time. I was hoping to see “family”, and get to know them again. But I can see that won’t be happening.
Oh well, there are things I can do besides that. Plus I have brought my school work with me, so that will keep me busy. Hutch may not be the great town to be in, but it has things to see & do. So I can walk around with my granddaughter, taking pictures and enjoy what this town has to offer.

Yes, when I began this I was angry, disappointed, disgusted, and simply in disbelief. I still am, but sometimes putting it in words really helps. Makes you see things, and work things out; helps resolve those emotions. Although they remain, you understand why you are feeling that mixture.
My decision will be to walk away when those who are blood related cannot make the effort to work on having any kind of relationship. Oh well, sucks for them … cause I am not a bad person to know! (hmph ..)

The Changes You Never Expected …

original post date: 7/24/2010

10 years ago I would never have expect our lives to turn in the way they have. 15 yrs ago I won’t have expected it.
5 yrs ago … the events that occurred in the few years just prior showed my family that no matter how hard we tried, things happen and we have to learn to deal with them. Learn to accept them. Oh, we can try to run or hide from them … but that didn’t do any good for the one who tried. It just made adjusting even harder. Which made it a bit harder for our family as well.
You see in a family when something happens to one person it does effect the others who love & care for them. It effects the immediate family, as well as the extended family. What one person does can keep a family together or help destroy it. It takes so much love, consideration, understanding, compassion … and flat out patience when you are dealing with a person in your family who would rather run from the problems than face them. Because you have to try to be there for them, but also for the individuals they are hurting by these actions.  And when that person tries to come back, you have to be there for those who want to accept them, but still have that anger in them. You have to be there for the person who wants their family back, but occasionally does the “1 step forward, and 2 steps back.”
But you see dealing with the person who is afraid to get hurt isn’t the only change we have had to adjust to in our lives over the last 5 or so years. We have lost family (that pain is still there), we have gained family (precious and so welcomed), we are expecting two precious additions to our family (immediate & extended) … Loss & gained. That is pretty much what it all comes down to. Yes we have gained quite a  bit, but we have lost is still there and it still hurts those who don’t know how to deal with it. Or those who just don’t understand …

In the matter of a few days or maybe a few weeks, we will be accepting into our home the our grand daughter. Who has actually help heal some relationship tensions between sibling, and extended family. Yes, my heart goes down a bit when I consider the fact that my daughter is 17 and going to give birth before she hits 18 or even 25 (good time to start THINKING about kids). But my heart jumps when I know I will be able to sit on my living room floor and play with Athenah Rea. This may not be possible when my children bring over other grand children (way off in the future).
That brings us from gain to loss. To be honest, it appears to be the root of all the issues that occur in our house. It does show the love that each person has, but it’s the fear that is tearing them apart instead of bringing them closer. The fear of loosing someone they think they have to have here no matter what. The fear of not know if they will have a few days or a few years. The fear of being hurt because of that loss.
The problem comes down to how to get them all to find a way to cope with it. When you have tried everything  you can, it comes down to involving others who might be able to help you, while you help them. Letting them know that you love them more than they could imagine, and that you are doing what you have to, just so you can be there for them. (Something that they might not realize or understand.) Sometimes it just simply helps when you bring in someone with a fresh mind, a person who can get an outside look at each person and find a way to help them.

In 10 years or 15 years I never expected that my family would fallow a path that would lead us to where we are now. But because life loves to through in those lovely, interesting, little surprises. And the choices we make each time those events happen in our lives, effect how we will be in a few years down the road.
To be honest, life has given us so damn interesting occurrences, events or what ever  you want to call them … I am thinking it needs to go spice up someone else life for a while.