Yesterday I lost my GrandDad … but he’s still alive

There was a post on FB where my Mom’s dad (he use to be my GrandDad) told Mom not to worry about the blood sugar and the rest of her medical problems. He told her that she has to stop thinking about herself, to stop being “me-centered” and that she need to start thinking about others.
The problem with this is my Mom was posting what was going on, but joking about it. She believes that working through hard issues should require laughter & joking. She has been working with handling a broken foot, blood pressure issues & pulse issues, and recently diabetes. She has joked about these, but keep her family involved. Sadly, her father did not see it that way.
I posted a tactful, respectful, and polite post explaining this to him. I told him that we were raised to handle situations, but to also find a way to laugh at them. Which has helped us eventually deal with them. Plus it keeps us from being over stressed. My Dad taught my Mom, and they both taught my brothers & I. I even told him that I loved him.

Yesterday, just before 5:14PM (the time my husband called after the event) I walked into his home. He was ranting to his son Chris, and probably Karyl (who cause so many freaking problems). Chris sound like he was trying to reason with him, by telling him we basically do things differently and did not mean to upset him. Well, Mom & Dad stopped, but I went straight to him. I was going to give him a hug, because I know he has been going through so much with the death of GrandAnn (his wife & my grandmother).
The second he saw me, he started in on how he was not going to listen to any more about the FB post. I tried to interrupt by telling him I just wanted to give him a hug. But he kept ranting and cursing at me … yes, the man who is suppose to be my grandfather decided to curse me up one side & down the other plus he told me it was MY fault (????how) that he was back on some medication, that he was off of. In this process, he told me to leave his home. I spun, crying by then (viewed by Chris, who did nothing & my parents) and left the house. He was still yelling at me, treating me like I was nothing. Like I had no right to say anything that he did not agree with or like (basically kiss his ass). When I got close to the door I loudly stated “Good-bye GrandDad.” (he wears hearing aides but they do not work) I walked straight out, refusing to be talked to in that manner.(creating on hades of a migraine … should have told him “Thanks, for the I migraine BECAUSE I run the risk of another STROKE each time I go through one.” That would have only pissed him off even more!)
When he verbally attacked me, and when I was facing my Mom, I saw that he tore her apart by attacking me. Each word out of his mouth shredded her heart; her love for him, her respect for him, the compassion she had for him … everything a father should mean to a child simply died.
I light up a cig and began to walk back to Hutch, but as soon as I hit the stop sign, I started to go back, figured my parents would be worried. Then I figured my parents could pick me up along the way. Instead, they came out of the house, I headed back to the car.
During this time you can hear my Mom’s father yelling, and I was out in the road. Plus you can here Karyl yelling. Not once did I hear my parents raise there voices. One the way out my Dad said “Jesus F*cking Christ” to which Karyl threated to basically beat his ass … what a joke that was. (I would have pulled up a chair, and at pop corn while my Dad (who does not hit a woman) would have defended himself & made her suffer.)
Mom was crying when she got to the car, and had been crying inside the house as well. I do not know what he said to her, but she began crying when she saw him attack me.

But I am proud of myself. Instead of stooping to their level, I walked away. I refused to listen to a person (no matter how old they are or how much respect they believe they should have) insult, degrade, curse, disrespect me or treat me like I was nothing. I have been through hades and back in my life, but I have always managed to get through it. I have worked hard to be a decent (good) person.
But in the end, he tore my heart apart. I have been in that person’s life for 39 years. I am his 1st grandchild, and his 1st granddaughter. I am the child of his daughter, who has been in his life for 59 years. I have gone out of my way to visit him over the last 3 months (yep, I have been in this area for 3 months, leaving my husband to care for our children … cause Mom has to have someone here for her. Dad works, and cannot take this time off … or he does not get paid)
I cried all the way back to my parents house. I tried to stop, because it was hurting my Mom. She kept getting more and more upset & worried because of how much I was crying. I tried to stop, or cover my mouth so she could not hear me. It just did not work because of the pain he caused in me, the tears simply kept coming. The only time I could not completely bawl my head off, was when my husband called. I got to talk to my granddaughter & him. He knew something was wrong, but I told him I just could not discuss it at this time (what I did not tell him was that it would have had me crying my eyes out worse than I already had been). But he knew something was wrong … I love him so much for understanding! I finally began to stop crying because my Mom kept apologizing for this!!! She did nothing wrong, but she was apologizing because she NEVER wanted me to see this. (I guess my brothers have seen it, but I do not know about me … when I had my stroke it took away a lot of my memories) I kept telling her that it was NOT her fault, that I NEED to see this because this is the true individual who claimed to love me. I NEEDED to know the type of person he was, as well as who Karyl was (but had a good idea, since she has not talked to me the ENTIRE time I have been here … sweet actions for an aunt, huh?). I told her I NEED to know the truth about these people, because I have children and a granddaughter … who NEVER need to be put through that type of touchier, heart break, pain or treated like they are nothing.
I gave my Mom a hug, and then went to the room I am staying in. I changed into my PJ’s. I put Mom’s extra ash tray, my book, my Puff’s kleenex, my cigs & lighter on the bed. I had, also, put the MP3 player (my son gave me) plus connection cord to computer, thumb-drive, my camera, my purse & my laptop … all on the bed. I went to refill my glass of sweet DECAF tea, took my evening pills.I went down stairs because I heard my parents talking, about the situation & me. I told Mom I would be ok, that I was hurt, disappointed & angry. That I did not understand why this was such an issue with her father. Then Mom said she was going to return the glucose monitor that her father gave her. I  After a bit, I went to refill my tea, and Dad asked me if I wanted to go get a microwave for Mom (since theirs is not working). I said sure, I needed to pic up more cigs & sunflower seeds … he laughed and told me sorry he forgot to get them. I went to change back into my clothes, got ready to go & went.
Dad talked to me a bit about this entire situation. He told me this is how they usually are. EVEN he apologized, saying I did NOT need to see this. I told him, as I told my Mom, that I NEEDED to see this. Finally we got to the store. He got the microwave, and I got my sunflower seeds (cigs are too expensive there). He told me we would stop by gas station so I can get them. And I am so proud of my Dad. He was so supportive with Mom & me, he was understanding & compassionate about all of this. He did not even get upset that I had come close to chain smoking. But he got upset with my Mom’s family for causing her the stress to basically be chain smoking. We got my cigs, and came back home. He brought in new microwave, I told Mom to come up to see the huge thing and she hobbled up the stairs with her foot that is BROKEN in 5 (yes, 5) places. Instead of being happy, she look like the world had actually started ending. She watched him set it up, filled up her drink and then headed back downstairs, I told her she got the perfect housewife’s gift … a dozen peach roses, stuffed teddy bear & a microwave. She said she was grateful but was so hurt she could not be joyful over it.
I went downstairs. I sat beside her, told her that Dad brought home a dozen peach roses & stuffed teddy bear (which is adorable!!) earlier today to show her that no matter what he was there for her & loved her dearly. Then he took a bit of extra time to get the microwave. She told me she could not get happy because she could not believe what happened at her father’s home. That she was so devastated & her heart torn to pieces that she could not even find a smile. I told her that no matter what, she could not let them take the joy of the love & compassion Dad was giving her. (My Dad did not get upset, because he understood the pain she was going through.) She, also, apologized (yes, again) to me, that she was sorry that I had to go through that & actually see that. She was, also, worried about her grandchildren & great granddaughter because she would NEVER allow them to go through this. She said that they will NOT be allowed around her side of the family, but that would (also) hurt them because they would not know those people. NOT KNOW THOSE PEOPLE, hello … if they would tear me apart, then they would go after my children, my granddaughter, my niece & nephews. There was NO WAY I was going to allow them around those people. She cried, I cried & we hugged each other. I tried so hard to comfort her, but it was like hitting a wall … she was so upset, angry, disappointed, & devastated. She could not believe that her father would verbally attack me over something that was not disrespectful, rude, obnoxious, harsh … or any negative word you can come up with. She could not believe he would attack his own granddaughter, her daughter. She could not believe that he would take offense in what was said, because it was not attacking him in any way … it was just an explanation (plain & simple). She could not believe what he said to her, or what they did not my Dad. I have never seen her this torn up over what her family has done to her (and they have pulled some harsh things on her). I told her I would be ok, that my children, granddaughter, niece & nephews would be ok … but she believes they will miss out on knowing that family. No, they will miss out on the pain they will cause … something I will NEVER allow to happen.
I went up stairs, changed back into my PJ’s, then I texted my husband to see if he could talk. My granddaughter was still up, so I just texted him what happened, a brief note. While I was doing that he called, which I rejected because I wanted him to read what I said, then call me. Which my simply amazing husband did.
By then I was getting trash ready to take out. So, bundled up to go outside to put trash in large can. I was talking to him about this … trying so hard not to cry, but did. I had to try to stop because I had to go back inside to get my drink, tissue box, cigs & lighter. I asked my husband several times how to handle this. I told him that my Dad, my GrandPa, my brothers & he would never do this. I told him that his family never treated me in this fashion, that they should me love. I ended up using 1/4 a box of tissue. (I had to stop talking at one point, because Dad had to leave to go train the new guy at work.) While I was talking to him, I began picking up all the sticks in the yard, smoking like a blasted chimney (which I definitely did not need to do). After that, I quietly went back inside to get gloves because my fingers were FROZEN, and I had to use the bathroom. (Horrid mistake, putting hand with arthritis into hot water … my head spun and the pain was horrid) Then I went back out, I told my husband that I should not have asked him how to handle this situation (several times) because he has NEVER had to go through this. (Yes, I even double check on that.) I told him I was sick of bawling, it made me feel like a wimp. So, my wonderful husband put my granddaughter on the phone … she had me smiling after a few minutes. I got to talk to her, and listen to her new words (plus tons of jibber jabber). Then we talked about how our boys were doing, and I was so impressed (they are amazing sons). I then went inside, talking to my husband and granddaughter, and began cleaning my Mom’s kitchen. (cleaning is something I do when I am really upset. I talked to him for almost 2 1/2 hours (if not more). By just about 1am, I was done with Mom’s kitchen but I still have to vacuum, which I will do later today because Dad came home … and he needs his rest. (I did get to talk to my daughter for a short time)

Since then I have pretty much been in “my” room. I was reading earlier while computer was downloading programs I wanted. A couple times I went to see Mom, having her tell me to sleep – as if that will happen. Currently, with the emotions I am dealing with plus the migraine & tense back muscles … sleep I want, but I cannot reach.

I would to have an answer to how to handle this … but there is not one out there. After all, don’t most grandkids love their grandparents? Right now, I just want today to disappear, just like it never happened. But with all reason, I really NEEDED to see who these people truly are … and Mom has 2 sisters & 2 brothers who were not here, which means we shall have hades to pay. I have decided that if they show up on my parents property, I am gonna kick them off. If that does not work, I will call police to handle it. I truly want NOTHING to do with anything they have to say on this situation.
I buried my GrandAnn Jan 30th. Today, I lost my grandfather … by his choice. He told me to leave his home, and will never understand that people have different personalities. I have one grandfather left, my GrandPa (who would NEVER do this). I have NEVER felt like an outcast when I am around them.

So now I am gonna read my book, & try to relax. Later today or sometime this coming week, I am gonna try figure out a way to overcome this situation … and find away to get over the pain it has caused (ha ha de freaking ha). I have to watch clock so I can take meds for the migraine, it just will not go away. Now to relax, so my head will clear because I really need a clear head to get through this.

What a wonder freaking day in the world …

How my heart broke Jan. 24, 2012

My GrandAnn passed away late the night of Jan 24, 2012. We had been watching her slowly die over the last month. This tore me apart for many reason, but the main one was my selfish behavior when I visited my parents. See, I was upset over some of the ways that my Mom was treated ed by her family. This caused me to be selfish and not go see my grandparents or Aunts & Uncles. I did not even see my cousins on that side of the family.
Hindsight kills you. Because now I do not have that many memories of an amazing & beautiful woman. A woman who was a good grandmother. One who loved us so much through out our lives. I was GrandAnn’s Birdy. That is what she called me for so long. When we were young we visited often, which was hard on my parents but they made sure we knew our extended family. We lived near them twice, once when I was younger probably around 3 or 4. My brother was born here. My grandmother rushed my mother to the hospital when she went into labor. She stayed with my mother, showing her that she loved her & was there to support her. My father was stationed overseas at the time, which had to be hard for him, missing his son being born.
The next time we lived there I was about 15. We stayed until just after I graduated. My grandparents loved having us over. And until Mom found a place, with the help of my grandparent’s, we stayed with them. It was nice from the few memories I have of that time. When we moved to the house Mom found, we were always invited over. My GrandAnn loved when I went to Church with them, so did my GrandDad. I feel as if I enjoyed the times I went with them, but am not quite sure because of the lack of memories I have. My Aunt made my prom dress, and my GrandDad took pictures of me in it. They seemed to be impressed with how I looked in it. As well as how their daughters worked together to get the fabric, pattern and making sure I stopped by for the measuring's and fittings.
But there were bad times too, which happens in families. There were times they would forget that Mom was close by, which is understandable see that we were a military family. This upset Mom, and because of it, I was upset & disappointed in our extended family (sorry I use that, but it’s easier to type than “grandparents, aunts & uncles”). But just because they made mistakes, and we made mistakes does not mean I should have acted the way I have as I grew up.
Since Dec 2007, I have been in this area. My family stayed with my parents while we searched for houses at our new duty station. When we found a house, we still came up to visit. During those visits I would occasionally go see my GrandAnn & GrandDad. But as each visit occurred I gradually cut my visits with them. Sometimes I would not even stop by. Yes, that is horrid & very selfish. Yes, it was flat our wrong to do. But I was thinking with anger and disappointed feelings.
My Mom and I have been going over daily since my GrandAnn’s  health turned for the worse. It tore us all apart, my GrandDad (who had been married to her for 62 yrs.); my Mom, her siblings & their families; my family & me. It was stressing my father out because of how much it was hurting my mother, my brothers were also worried about Mom.
On Dec 26, GrandAnn’s breathing became like a person having an asthma attack (which I have seen). My Mom knew she would pass soon, but could not watch the mother she loved pass. It was already tearing her apart just to be there as she slowly died.
When my aunt called Mom, she woke Dad & me up. She called my brother and he notified our other brother. I drove her to their home, the one she was raised in, to see her Mom & to be there with her Dad & siblings. They were grateful that she came, because they needed  her as much as she needed them.
They were grateful that I was there as well, but I felt so much guilt over my actions. Because I decided to pull away from a family that loved me no matter what I did. They tried to show their love when I did stop by, but I honestly did not know how to respond to them. I was not use to being around them, so for me it was difficult. I am sure it was difficult for them as well.
The one thing that I truly learned is that I need to have a better relationship with my GrandDad, Aunts, Uncles & cousins (& their families). I need to make some serious steps to build a bond with them. And can only hope that they will take those steps as well.
On Dec 26 2012, I told my GrandDad that I was extremely sorry for not stopping by. For not creating great memories with them. That I would love to hear stories about my GrandAnn, when he was ready to tell them. He told me he was writing about his life, and that I was welcome to sit down and read it. He told me to sit back in the computer area, and read all I wanted too. I asked him if GrandAnn did, he nodded. So, I will get to read her stories about her life, as well. This may not be the memories I had in the past, but it will give me an idea of how they became the people they are.

Although my heart broke, I learned a valuable lesson. I did not get to say good-bye to my GrandAnn, when she was still alive, but this blog is my good-bye to her. Her death taught me a lesson that I truly need. Even in death, my GrandAnn found a way to give my positive advice. This advice I am going to do all I can correct. There is no excuse for my behavior, it was selfish. But I have let my GrandDad know I want to be more involved in the family. I have told my aunts & uncles that as well, including my cousins. Now I can only hope that my aunts & uncles, plus their families will forgive the selfish actions & help me rebuild a relationship with them.

Trip to KS … 1st part

The first week in KS resulted in all of us with the stomach flu & recovering from it. Nothing worse than trying to care for 2 kids, and not vomit along side them. My heart went out to both of them, because they were so exhausted & worn out.
My parents packed for the trip to see Yanni and Jayden, as well as Cate & Eric. It was a horrid start for a trip, 1st day the flight was CANCELLED. Mom was all prepared to leave, and was so upset when they cancelled the flight after they had been sitting there for a few hours. Dad was simply disappointed in the fact they could have let the passengers know the flight was going to be delayed or cancelled … but the positive thing is my SIL is their travel agent & she had it fixed in no time at all.

1st Trip to AirPort VIEW SLIDE SHOW DOWNLOAD ALL

The worst part, is I went to Hobby Lobby to get fabric to make my boys PJ’s. Then we stopped by Subway for Lunch. It was nice until we got back to Hutch & I had to make a trip back to Wichita.   Logan watched Athenah, instead of dragging them back to the airport.
The 2nd trip was successful, such a relief to me. Of course this time I did not leave Wichita until Dad told me that they were boarding. The day before I ended up making two trips to Wichita … not what I wanted to do again.
I stopped by to replace my shoes, which even as comfortable as they were, they were to the point of replacing. Found a pair of comfy boots, got some stocking stuffers for my boys. Then went back to Mom’s & Dad’s. Logan was amazing because he watch Athenah the entire time I was gone. But I am just happy, because it made the trip easier. She likes to go places, but does not like being “trapped” in a car seat or stroller … can you blame her?
The next couple weeks we (Logan, Athenah & me) relaxed, baked, played games & after dark drove around to look at Christmas Lights. Logan about had a cow because most of the lights we found were simply white/clear. He listens to his GrandPa too much on that topic, as well as a few others But I have to agree with him, when you decorate for the holidays you want cheerful. Using only one color, can be a bit depressing. And white/clear lights don’t do so well when it snows. But if you use a variety of colors, it really makes it cheerful and seems more like the holidays. Basically, go from “bland” to “cheerful.” Then again, each person has an idea how they want to decorate. (feel for my sons, because the next holiday season, my home will get decorated as I prefer)
The games were ok, Logan loves to play a large variety. He is good with strategic options.

Games, Lights, Baking VIEW SLIDE SHOW DOWNLOAD ALL

After a while, my husband & sons arrived. Then it was a more baking, games, and getting ready for the holidays. Plus during this time, my husband & I celebrated our 14th anniversary. Out to dinner, which was nice. Then we check out the theater, which we opted out of because there was nothing playing we really wanted to see. Then we picked up some last minutes gifts, for the boys & him.
I was really excited about this holiday because for the 1st time in my life, 39 years, I was suppose see my GrandPa on Christmas, as well as the Lamb’s. Usually it is celebrated with the McAllister’s on Christmas Eve, and Lamb’s on Christmas Day. Lunch was with my GrandPa, which we did enjoy. But sadly we missed “dinner” with the Lamb’s because they let me know on Christmas Eve that it will began at 1pm on Christmas. Which it was pointed out that “From one of the Lambs who never let you know”, as well as “We are happy you are here after all these years” … I was rather insulted. I have been back for the holidays. But sadly I do not come back every year, I do not live in KS. Plus I have a family of my own, which does now include an extended family that lives in NC, GA & FL. Yet, I have traveled to KS several times to be here for the holidays. Yea, I am a bit unhappy over this holiday season … but in the end, I has my husband, sons & granddaughter to celebrate it with. That is the most important part, MY FAMILY was together. Seeing that in the past my husband has missed the holidays because he was deployed. So, regardless of what happened I had an amazing holiday’s because my family was together. My husband was not deployed, and it was our 1st holiday season as a RETIRED military family!!!! There is nothing more important than having the person you love with you, and now there is no more worries of him having to deploy over the holidays. For me, that made this the BEST holiday, ever.
So accepting all the negative & positive of the holidays, is just something I will just learn to handle. But will always know the holiday season of 2011 was the best. Plus it will start off the rest of our lives, outside of the military.

Enjoying the Holidays VIEW SLIDE SHOW DOWNLOAD ALL

After the holidays, hubby & sons went home. Logan & I took Athenah to the Zoo, as well Carey Park to play and feed the ducks. Logan has been working hard on school work, so he can play League of Legends.  Which it has been suggested that I learn to play by Logan & Mike … LOL so not gonna happen. But it was a cute request . He is working hard because he has to take a test so he can start high school next year. Which I have discussed it with him several times, and although I am not found of public schools, I think that he will learn a bit more than we can teach him, or K12 can teach him.

Fun times for All … VIEW SLIDE SHOW DOWNLOAD ALL

But I really have to say that I am so thrilled that my parents are truly enjoying their trip out to see Yanni & Jayden (Cate & Eric, too). They really needed the break from stress, and the day to day life here. They are getting to make precious memories with their grandsons, daughter-in-law, sons, and the extended family they have over there!! Going to horse races, parks, malls, salons, family dinners … and so much more. (Hopefully soon they will come visit us here in the states.)
Now off to spend time with my son & granddaughter

“Beautiful Girls”

I just go done watching the rest of this movie. How everyone gets back around their reunion. It’s a decent movie, from a few years after I graduated. I have watched this before, and find it interesting that some people believe it takes so long to change. (according to this movie)
NHS has a 20 year reunion coming up this August. 20 years since I left high school, yet it seems like it happened bit longer. People I am to know, which is depressing because I honestly don’t remember much about them. Yes there are a few events that come to mind. But 3 years I went to that high school, I know I have changed since then … LMAO I have 4 kids & am raising my grand daughter with the amazing help of my sons. I have added those who went to school the times around the same time. Some people I have slight memories of, but not much.
I know someone was insane enough to sit on a car while it was being driven. She got hurt, & he felt like horrid. 2 of my friends dated, LOL but the worse part. One girl dropped out of high school & was supposedly a stripper to earn money. (hey I know a lawyer who used it to help pay for school & live off of … if it works, then you cannot bitched about it) Someone I graduated with married a soldier, but never heard who it was or what happened. (I hope it went well, it’s hard when you are a military wife.)
From what I have seen, most everyone has built really great lives for themselves, which is so unlike the movie “Beautiful Girls.” I think when they create movies like this, someone is reaching for what they had, or what they think others want to have. Who honestly knows what is behind the mind of the writer.
Behind my mind is simply, go back and meet the people you once knew if you can, enjoy that reunion. After all, you can never get another chance at a 20th year reunion. From what I have seen, many people have a ton of events to enjoy. As well as silly stories they had from high school …. of course that would make a pretty lame movie!  

NHS c/o ‘91 is having it’s 20th reunion in August. The only question I have is “how do you attend a 20th reunion for a time frame where you don’t remember the individuals or time?”
I like movies like this, but it can be pretty depressing … such is life. Which just what happens & we enjoy what we have.

Walking down memory lane

original post date: 10/11/10

When I look at my mothers wall it is full of pictures, which should hold tons of memories for me. Yet while some of the locations are familiar, the pictures and the times are not. Or worse I see people I should know that I don’t have the slightest idea who they are. Normally I don’t pay much attention to my mother pictures, until my brother needed  pics of him when he was younger. So I went looking at the wall, and then through almost all of her pics … guess it was a bad choice for me.
These last few weeks I have been in Hutch, taking a mini-vacation. I have visited Nickerson, and there were a few things that seemed slightly familiar, but so much that was familiar. I know about the nativity scene, because I have the video’s from when I was in it. My grandparents house seemed a bit off, and until one of our relatives mentioned the fact the trees where missing, I wasn’t sure what was off with it. I am still not sure if that was it, but I am hoping so. The school I graduated from, well I remember one of my classes in one part of the building, but the older part of the school doesn’t seem all that familiar. I know I went there, I have the diploma & transcript from there. (oh freaking well) Nickerson main street area has changed a ton, maybe for the best, I do hope so. I know they have a police station (and I found it!!), which was a bit strange. It would have been nice for them when kids were egging cars (yes, they did this when I was a teen ~ why I don’t know, but they did).
I have seen so much of Hutch the last few days. I know the mall had more stores, and a lot more people going there. I found a skate rink that I know I went to a few times (with what friends I don’t know), I found it quite by accident. I know they have done a bit of, who knows what, to Hutch parts are familiar, but then I haven’t been all over Hutch, so I don’t know about the unfamiliar parts. There is a McD’s that is still slower than dirt, and needs to check on their customer service issue! (It was a problem when I was a teen, and seems to be one now)

With all this occurring, I talked to a girl I went to school with. I had been given a general description, which did not seem to fit who she was today. I had to apologize when she told me everyone assumed she was still pencil thin! Then she asked if I remembered her sister, which as it turns out, does not look like her … so I am guessing I don’t remember her. I felt pretty bad to be honest, when you talk to someone it is really hard when you should remember but you don’t.
With some people I remember their faces and not their names. With others, their names click but their faces don’t. ~ Let’s forget about number combinations, cause those always mess me up!;)  ~ My docs have had so much fun testing me for this or that, and love putting me though all the tests to see how I have recovered … gets pretty freaking annoying after a while. Cause I just don’t have the answers for them, I don’t even have the answer for myself.

When you hear about “walking down memory lane” you think of all the fun, exciting, embarrassing, sad, and so many other types of memories. When I hear about it, it just makes me sad. I don’t have the full past that most others do, but at least I have plenty of time to build more memories as I grow older. Can you imagine how it would be to recover from a stroke when you are 70+? A lifetime of memories, simply gone. That alone is horrifying. Yet here I sit sad & in disbelief when I was hoping, even a small hope, that something would help bring back some of those times. Yet nothing did, and that is something I have to face … and something that I haven’t wanted to face.

So instead of staying depressed over this small matter, I have started looking at it differently. I have a ton of new memories with my granddaughter. Although she won’t remember it, I will be able to tell her that her 1st vacation was spent at Grandma's & Grandpa's house. I will tell her how we walked though Carey Park on an amazingly decent day, were the sun wasn’t too hot and the wind help keep us cooled. How I lost my sunglasses during this walk because I was paying more attention to whether or not the sun was in her face. Or how those bridges are definitely not stroller compatible. Or how we went to the Hutch Zoo, where instead of looking at the animals she slept though the entire hour or so that we were there. But choose the moment we left to wake up! I think she will like visiting that zoo when she is a bit older, it’s definitely young kid friendly.
I will be able to tell her how she stayed awake a good bit of the walk though Dillon’s Nature Center. Oh she slept a bit, but she was up a good deal of it. How I think I might have found the perfect place for her Pa & I to re-new our vows, it’s simply beautiful and I hope it’s something that we can look into. My favorite part is how she kicked off her sock, and we had to walk all the way to the boy and frog to find it. How she managed to kick of a sock is still beyond me, but it made the walk a bit longer. She also had the ladies who worked there just fussing over her. And she just groveled in it.
When I took her to Yoder, she was ok with one of the stores until the lady started talking to her. Then she just wanted to leave, I guess she just didn’t like her. She slept though 2 of the stores, and didn’t care much for the quilt store from the second I walked in. Which I think was more because I could have spent quite a while looking at the patterns or books … makes walking a bit more difficult. But she giggled & cooed to the ladies in the Yoder Meat Market. She had them going to get other co-workers to look a her! And yes, she loved all the attention she was getting.
I have so many pictures of the time when have been down here that my kids will probably take away my camera’s when I get home. But for each picture there is something behind it, a bit of a memory, a piece of Athenah’s & my life. Each time I think how I felt, I stop and see Athenah. Then I remember what I told her when we were there, or what her & I were doing when we were there. That gives each of those places a new memory for me, one that I will be able to tell Athenah (via scrapbook or verbal, I hope both).

I may not remember what my brothers & I where doing in a few (million) pics my mother has. But I have the chance to build new memories with them. A few years back my brother & my family when bowling, I think we had a blast. I know my kids were enjoying it, so were the adults. Or when I got this call telling me they were pregnant … I was so excited I was jumping all over! Or the times I got to talk to my nephew or text my niece. Even the times I have talked to my brothers, and probably floored them with what I said.
The one thing I hoped to regain from this vacation is the one thing I will be leaving with …. special memories. New memories, but special none the less. So the next time I decide to “walk down memory lane” I will either bring someone who knows what the hades we did ;-) or I will smile …. because while I don’t always remember every part of my past, I have new memories I can create with those I love and cherish.