There are so many ways to describe a woman who touch so many lives.
I love you & appreciate everything you taught me, GrandAnn
To her final resting place
Her family
(these are not in order, except the videos)
Monday, January 30, 2012
Music that have touched my grief
I just heard Over you by Miranda Lambert. Now it is about losing a personal loved one. The way she sings this song it is like she is singing your own pain. It is simply amazing, she finds a way to touch others with music like this. There is no other way to explain it.
Hearing these song actually helped me remember a little bit more of my GrandAnn. Because she talks about little things that most people forget to remember. Those little things helped me remember those little things I thought I didn’t have. I know there are memories I will never recover, but the little bits. (The house that built me)
I remember being with her when Ma’am was visiting … her, I have little memories of, which saddens me … GrandAnn loved us being there. She would talk about all the things we missed, our Aunts & Uncles, as well as our cousins. She talked about GrandDad a lot, she was so proud of him and you could see the love had for him. That was the love that I truly wanted, and found with my husband.
Plus some the items she made for us. Dresses, blankets … she seemed to love to sew her grandchildren clothes. Those were the only dresses I ever wore just because I knew she made them with love.
I remember her working for a paper. Typing up her items. Helping GrandDad when he needed her with the Lamb Funeral home.
I wish I remember more … but in life, we do not get that option we get to choose on. So, we listen to others stories that others tell, and enjoy what they have to say. We tell our tales, and they enjoy just as we did. Sharing memories is one of the best things a person could do … that is how we learn from others. That is where we learn history a bit closer to home. After all, each person creates history; they effect it in their own way.
I can only hope that I make a positive influence. But I am still learning every day … so who knows what tales my descendants will share about me.
Friday, January 27, 2012
How my heart broke Jan. 24, 2012
My GrandAnn passed away late the night of Jan 24, 2012. We had been watching her slowly die over the last month. This tore me apart for many reason, but the main one was my selfish behavior when I visited my parents. See, I was upset over some of the ways that my Mom was treated ed by her family. This caused me to be selfish and not go see my grandparents or Aunts & Uncles. I did not even see my cousins on that side of the family.
Hindsight kills you. Because now I do not have that many memories of an amazing & beautiful woman. A woman who was a good grandmother. One who loved us so much through out our lives. I was GrandAnn’s Birdy. That is what she called me for so long. When we were young we visited often, which was hard on my parents but they made sure we knew our extended family. We lived near them twice, once when I was younger probably around 3 or 4. My brother was born here. My grandmother rushed my mother to the hospital when she went into labor. She stayed with my mother, showing her that she loved her & was there to support her. My father was stationed overseas at the time, which had to be hard for him, missing his son being born.
The next time we lived there I was about 15. We stayed until just after I graduated. My grandparents loved having us over. And until Mom found a place, with the help of my grandparent’s, we stayed with them. It was nice from the few memories I have of that time. When we moved to the house Mom found, we were always invited over. My GrandAnn loved when I went to Church with them, so did my GrandDad. I feel as if I enjoyed the times I went with them, but am not quite sure because of the lack of memories I have. My Aunt made my prom dress, and my GrandDad took pictures of me in it. They seemed to be impressed with how I looked in it. As well as how their daughters worked together to get the fabric, pattern and making sure I stopped by for the measuring's and fittings.
But there were bad times too, which happens in families. There were times they would forget that Mom was close by, which is understandable see that we were a military family. This upset Mom, and because of it, I was upset & disappointed in our extended family (sorry I use that, but it’s easier to type than “grandparents, aunts & uncles”). But just because they made mistakes, and we made mistakes does not mean I should have acted the way I have as I grew up.
Since Dec 2007, I have been in this area. My family stayed with my parents while we searched for houses at our new duty station. When we found a house, we still came up to visit. During those visits I would occasionally go see my GrandAnn & GrandDad. But as each visit occurred I gradually cut my visits with them. Sometimes I would not even stop by. Yes, that is horrid & very selfish. Yes, it was flat our wrong to do. But I was thinking with anger and disappointed feelings.
My Mom and I have been going over daily since my GrandAnn’s health turned for the worse. It tore us all apart, my GrandDad (who had been married to her for 62 yrs.); my Mom, her siblings & their families; my family & me. It was stressing my father out because of how much it was hurting my mother, my brothers were also worried about Mom.
On Dec 26, GrandAnn’s breathing became like a person having an asthma attack (which I have seen). My Mom knew she would pass soon, but could not watch the mother she loved pass. It was already tearing her apart just to be there as she slowly died.
When my aunt called Mom, she woke Dad & me up. She called my brother and he notified our other brother. I drove her to their home, the one she was raised in, to see her Mom & to be there with her Dad & siblings. They were grateful that she came, because they needed her as much as she needed them.
They were grateful that I was there as well, but I felt so much guilt over my actions. Because I decided to pull away from a family that loved me no matter what I did. They tried to show their love when I did stop by, but I honestly did not know how to respond to them. I was not use to being around them, so for me it was difficult. I am sure it was difficult for them as well.
The one thing that I truly learned is that I need to have a better relationship with my GrandDad, Aunts, Uncles & cousins (& their families). I need to make some serious steps to build a bond with them. And can only hope that they will take those steps as well.
On Dec 26 2012, I told my GrandDad that I was extremely sorry for not stopping by. For not creating great memories with them. That I would love to hear stories about my GrandAnn, when he was ready to tell them. He told me he was writing about his life, and that I was welcome to sit down and read it. He told me to sit back in the computer area, and read all I wanted too. I asked him if GrandAnn did, he nodded. So, I will get to read her stories about her life, as well. This may not be the memories I had in the past, but it will give me an idea of how they became the people they are.
Although my heart broke, I learned a valuable lesson. I did not get to say good-bye to my GrandAnn, when she was still alive, but this blog is my good-bye to her. Her death taught me a lesson that I truly need. Even in death, my GrandAnn found a way to give my positive advice. This advice I am going to do all I can correct. There is no excuse for my behavior, it was selfish. But I have let my GrandDad know I want to be more involved in the family. I have told my aunts & uncles that as well, including my cousins. Now I can only hope that my aunts & uncles, plus their families will forgive the selfish actions & help me rebuild a relationship with them.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Trip to KS … 1st part
The first week in KS resulted in all of us with the stomach flu 
& recovering from it. Nothing worse than trying to care for 2 kids, and not vomit along side them. My heart went out to both of them, because they were so exhausted & worn out.
My parents packed for the trip to see Yanni and Jayden, as well as Cate & Eric. It was a horrid start for a trip, 1st day the flight was CANCELLED. Mom was all prepared to leave, and was so upset when they cancelled the flight after they had been sitting there for a few hours. Dad was simply disappointed in the fact they could have let the passengers know the flight was going to be delayed or cancelled … but the positive thing is my SIL is their travel agent & she had it fixed in no time at all.
The worst part, is I went to Hobby Lobby to get fabric to make my boys PJ’s. Then we stopped by Subway for Lunch. It was nice until we got back to Hutch & I had to make a trip back to Wichita.
Logan watched Athenah, instead of dragging them back to the airport.
The 2nd trip was successful, such a relief to me. Of course this time I did not leave Wichita until Dad told me that they were boarding. The day before I ended up making two trips to Wichita … not what I wanted to do again.
I stopped by to replace my shoes, which even as comfortable as they were, they were to the point of replacing. Found a pair of comfy boots, got some stocking stuffers for my boys. Then went back to Mom’s & Dad’s. Logan was amazing because he watch Athenah the entire time I was gone. But I am just happy, because it made the trip easier. She likes to go places, but does not like being “trapped” in a car seat or stroller … can you blame her?
The next couple weeks we (Logan, Athenah & me) relaxed, baked, played games & after dark drove around to look at Christmas Lights. Logan about had a cow because most of the lights we found were simply white/clear. He listens to his GrandPa too much on that topic, as well as a few others
But I have to agree with him, when you decorate for the holidays you want cheerful. Using only one color, can be a bit depressing. And white/clear lights don’t do so well when it snows. But if you use a variety of colors, it really makes it cheerful and seems more like the holidays. Basically, go from “bland” to “cheerful.” Then again, each person has an idea how they want to decorate. (feel for my sons, because the next holiday season, my home will get decorated as I prefer)
The games were ok, Logan loves to play a large variety. He is good with strategic options.
After a while, my husband & sons arrived. Then it was a more baking, games, and getting ready for the holidays. Plus during this time, my husband & I celebrated our 14th anniversary. Out to dinner, which was nice. Then we check out the theater, which we opted out of because there was nothing playing we really wanted to see. Then we picked up some last minutes gifts, for the boys & him.
I was really excited about this holiday because for the 1st time in my life, 39 years, I was suppose see my GrandPa on Christmas, as well as the Lamb’s. Usually it is celebrated with the McAllister’s on Christmas Eve, and Lamb’s on Christmas Day. Lunch was with my GrandPa, which we did enjoy. But sadly we missed “dinner” with the Lamb’s because they let me know on Christmas Eve that it will began at 1pm on Christmas. Which it was pointed out that “From one of the Lambs who never let you know”, as well as “We are happy you are here after all these years” … I was rather insulted. I have been back for the holidays. But sadly I do not come back every year, I do not live in KS. Plus I have a family of my own, which does now include an extended family that lives in NC, GA & FL. Yet, I have traveled to KS several times to be here for the holidays. Yea, I am a bit unhappy over this holiday season … but in the end, I has my husband, sons & granddaughter to celebrate it with. That is the most important part, MY FAMILY was together. Seeing that in the past my husband has missed the holidays because he was deployed. So, regardless of what happened I had an amazing holiday’s because my family was together. My husband was not deployed, and it was our 1st holiday season as a RETIRED military family!!!! There is nothing more important than having the person you love with you, and now there is no more worries of him having to deploy over the holidays. For me, that made this the BEST holiday, ever.
So accepting all the negative & positive of the holidays, is just something I will just learn to handle. But will always know the holiday season of 2011 was the best. Plus it will start off the rest of our lives, outside of the military.
After the holidays, hubby & sons went home. Logan & I took Athenah to the Zoo, as well Carey Park to play and feed the ducks. Logan has been working hard on school work, so he can play League of Legends. Which it has been suggested that I learn to play by Logan & Mike … LOL so not gonna happen. But it was a cute request
. He is working hard because he has to take a test so he can start high school next year. Which I have discussed it with him several times, and although I am not found of public schools, I think that he will learn a bit more than we can teach him, or K12 can teach him.
But I really have to say that I am so thrilled that my parents are truly enjoying their trip out to see Yanni & Jayden (Cate & Eric, too). They really needed the break from stress, and the day to day life here. They are getting to make precious memories with their grandsons, daughter-in-law, sons, and the extended family they have over there!! Going to horse races, parks, malls, salons, family dinners … and so much more. (Hopefully soon they will come visit us here in the states.)
Now off to spend time with my son & granddaughter
& recovering from it. Nothing worse than trying to care for 2 kids, and not vomit along side them. My heart went out to both of them, because they were so exhausted & worn out.My parents packed for the trip to see Yanni and Jayden, as well as Cate & Eric. It was a horrid start for a trip, 1st day the flight was CANCELLED. Mom was all prepared to leave, and was so upset when they cancelled the flight after they had been sitting there for a few hours. Dad was simply disappointed in the fact they could have let the passengers know the flight was going to be delayed or cancelled … but the positive thing is my SIL is their travel agent & she had it fixed in no time at all.
The worst part, is I went to Hobby Lobby to get fabric to make my boys PJ’s. Then we stopped by Subway for Lunch. It was nice until we got back to Hutch & I had to make a trip back to Wichita.
Logan watched Athenah, instead of dragging them back to the airport.The 2nd trip was successful, such a relief to me. Of course this time I did not leave Wichita until Dad told me that they were boarding. The day before I ended up making two trips to Wichita … not what I wanted to do again.
I stopped by to replace my shoes, which even as comfortable as they were, they were to the point of replacing. Found a pair of comfy boots, got some stocking stuffers for my boys. Then went back to Mom’s & Dad’s. Logan was amazing because he watch Athenah the entire time I was gone. But I am just happy, because it made the trip easier. She likes to go places, but does not like being “trapped” in a car seat or stroller … can you blame her?
The next couple weeks we (Logan, Athenah & me) relaxed, baked, played games & after dark drove around to look at Christmas Lights. Logan about had a cow because most of the lights we found were simply white/clear. He listens to his GrandPa too much on that topic, as well as a few others
But I have to agree with him, when you decorate for the holidays you want cheerful. Using only one color, can be a bit depressing. And white/clear lights don’t do so well when it snows. But if you use a variety of colors, it really makes it cheerful and seems more like the holidays. Basically, go from “bland” to “cheerful.” Then again, each person has an idea how they want to decorate. (feel for my sons, because the next holiday season, my home will get decorated as I prefer)The games were ok, Logan loves to play a large variety. He is good with strategic options.
After a while, my husband & sons arrived. Then it was a more baking, games, and getting ready for the holidays. Plus during this time, my husband & I celebrated our 14th anniversary. Out to dinner, which was nice. Then we check out the theater, which we opted out of because there was nothing playing we really wanted to see. Then we picked up some last minutes gifts, for the boys & him.
I was really excited about this holiday because for the 1st time in my life, 39 years, I was suppose see my GrandPa on Christmas, as well as the Lamb’s. Usually it is celebrated with the McAllister’s on Christmas Eve, and Lamb’s on Christmas Day. Lunch was with my GrandPa, which we did enjoy. But sadly we missed “dinner” with the Lamb’s because they let me know on Christmas Eve that it will began at 1pm on Christmas. Which it was pointed out that “From one of the Lambs who never let you know”, as well as “We are happy you are here after all these years” … I was rather insulted. I have been back for the holidays. But sadly I do not come back every year, I do not live in KS. Plus I have a family of my own, which does now include an extended family that lives in NC, GA & FL. Yet, I have traveled to KS several times to be here for the holidays. Yea, I am a bit unhappy over this holiday season … but in the end, I has my husband, sons & granddaughter to celebrate it with. That is the most important part, MY FAMILY was together. Seeing that in the past my husband has missed the holidays because he was deployed. So, regardless of what happened I had an amazing holiday’s because my family was together. My husband was not deployed, and it was our 1st holiday season as a RETIRED military family!!!! There is nothing more important than having the person you love with you, and now there is no more worries of him having to deploy over the holidays. For me, that made this the BEST holiday, ever.
So accepting all the negative & positive of the holidays, is just something I will just learn to handle. But will always know the holiday season of 2011 was the best. Plus it will start off the rest of our lives, outside of the military.
After the holidays, hubby & sons went home. Logan & I took Athenah to the Zoo, as well Carey Park to play and feed the ducks. Logan has been working hard on school work, so he can play League of Legends. Which it has been suggested that I learn to play by Logan & Mike … LOL so not gonna happen. But it was a cute request
. He is working hard because he has to take a test so he can start high school next year. Which I have discussed it with him several times, and although I am not found of public schools, I think that he will learn a bit more than we can teach him, or K12 can teach him.But I really have to say that I am so thrilled that my parents are truly enjoying their trip out to see Yanni & Jayden (Cate & Eric, too). They really needed the break from stress, and the day to day life here. They are getting to make precious memories with their grandsons, daughter-in-law, sons, and the extended family they have over there!! Going to horse races, parks, malls, salons, family dinners … and so much more. (Hopefully soon they will come visit us here in the states.)
Now off to spend time with my son & granddaughter
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
My Bucket List
One that I have thought about, and put off doing. Now lets see what I can add to this little list over the next couple weeks ... Sorry, all but considering having one & making it were two different steps.
Tricia's Bucket List
- learn to scuba dive
- see my sons get through college
- find other was for treatments than pill after pill
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