How I handled MY anger

Friday, well it was horrid, something I will NEVER go though again.

Instead of sinking to that level, I turned around and left. Now once I was outside, far from those inside, I mumbled a large variety of negative things about the behavior of a man I HAD respected.
I have found that you can talk to some people. I have found that there are people that refuse to listen. But in the end, it all comes down to common sense, compassion, maturity, calmness, tact and a whole lot of listening. Not hearing but listening to what a person says. And if you do not understand, then you should ask questions … not get upset.

No I am not a person who is looking to give the world peace. I am simply a person who said something, and got attacked over it. I am a person who had the common sense to listen & observe the individual actions as well as facial expressions. I was the person who really did want to smack him across the face … Instead, I spun and left.
Just because someone does stupid things like that, it does not mean I have to. I called it “stupid” because it was. The behavior, the facial expressions, the body actions and (by worse) the angry.

See, had I said something about how he talked to me, there would have been one heck of a family WAR. I am not that petty, so I left. But the second I walked out that door, I had only one grandparent living.
Family should use all the above items I listed for communication and preventing arguments/attacks. It is truly a shame when they don’t, it destroys them.

Well, I am tired. It has been one heck of an emotional weekend for me. I finally got the tissue box put aside (but close incase I need it). Now I am going to watch a movie, and then get some well needed sleep (nothing like being up for almost 48 hrs to kick your butt )
I hope you all have had a better weekend that I have!!! Later

Music that have touched my grief

I just heard Over you by Miranda Lambert. Now it is about losing a personal loved one. The way she sings this song it is like she is singing your own pain. It is simply amazing, she finds a way to touch others with music like this. There is no other way to explain it.
Hearing these song actually helped me remember a little bit more of my GrandAnn. Because she talks about little things that most people forget to remember. Those little things helped me remember those little things I thought I didn’t have. I know there are memories I will never recover, but the little bits. (The house that built me)
I remember being with her when Ma’am was visiting … her, I have little memories of, which saddens me … GrandAnn loved us being there. She would talk about all the things we missed, our Aunts & Uncles, as well as our cousins. She talked about GrandDad a lot, she was so proud of him and you could see the love had for him. That was the love that I truly wanted, and found with my husband.
Plus some the items she made for us. Dresses, blankets … she seemed to love to sew her grandchildren clothes. Those were the only dresses I ever wore just because I knew she made them with love.
I remember her working for a paper. Typing up her items. Helping GrandDad when he needed her with the Lamb Funeral home.
I wish I remember more … but in life, we do not get that option we get to choose on. So, we listen to others stories that others tell, and enjoy what they have to say. We tell our tales, and they enjoy just as we did. Sharing memories is one of the best things a person could do … that is how we learn from others. That is where we learn history a bit closer to home. After all, each person creates history; they effect it in their own way.

I can only hope that I make a positive influence. But I am still learning every day … so who knows what tales my descendants will share about me.

How my heart broke Jan. 24, 2012

My GrandAnn passed away late the night of Jan 24, 2012. We had been watching her slowly die over the last month. This tore me apart for many reason, but the main one was my selfish behavior when I visited my parents. See, I was upset over some of the ways that my Mom was treated ed by her family. This caused me to be selfish and not go see my grandparents or Aunts & Uncles. I did not even see my cousins on that side of the family.
Hindsight kills you. Because now I do not have that many memories of an amazing & beautiful woman. A woman who was a good grandmother. One who loved us so much through out our lives. I was GrandAnn’s Birdy. That is what she called me for so long. When we were young we visited often, which was hard on my parents but they made sure we knew our extended family. We lived near them twice, once when I was younger probably around 3 or 4. My brother was born here. My grandmother rushed my mother to the hospital when she went into labor. She stayed with my mother, showing her that she loved her & was there to support her. My father was stationed overseas at the time, which had to be hard for him, missing his son being born.
The next time we lived there I was about 15. We stayed until just after I graduated. My grandparents loved having us over. And until Mom found a place, with the help of my grandparent’s, we stayed with them. It was nice from the few memories I have of that time. When we moved to the house Mom found, we were always invited over. My GrandAnn loved when I went to Church with them, so did my GrandDad. I feel as if I enjoyed the times I went with them, but am not quite sure because of the lack of memories I have. My Aunt made my prom dress, and my GrandDad took pictures of me in it. They seemed to be impressed with how I looked in it. As well as how their daughters worked together to get the fabric, pattern and making sure I stopped by for the measuring's and fittings.
But there were bad times too, which happens in families. There were times they would forget that Mom was close by, which is understandable see that we were a military family. This upset Mom, and because of it, I was upset & disappointed in our extended family (sorry I use that, but it’s easier to type than “grandparents, aunts & uncles”). But just because they made mistakes, and we made mistakes does not mean I should have acted the way I have as I grew up.
Since Dec 2007, I have been in this area. My family stayed with my parents while we searched for houses at our new duty station. When we found a house, we still came up to visit. During those visits I would occasionally go see my GrandAnn & GrandDad. But as each visit occurred I gradually cut my visits with them. Sometimes I would not even stop by. Yes, that is horrid & very selfish. Yes, it was flat our wrong to do. But I was thinking with anger and disappointed feelings.
My Mom and I have been going over daily since my GrandAnn’s  health turned for the worse. It tore us all apart, my GrandDad (who had been married to her for 62 yrs.); my Mom, her siblings & their families; my family & me. It was stressing my father out because of how much it was hurting my mother, my brothers were also worried about Mom.
On Dec 26, GrandAnn’s breathing became like a person having an asthma attack (which I have seen). My Mom knew she would pass soon, but could not watch the mother she loved pass. It was already tearing her apart just to be there as she slowly died.
When my aunt called Mom, she woke Dad & me up. She called my brother and he notified our other brother. I drove her to their home, the one she was raised in, to see her Mom & to be there with her Dad & siblings. They were grateful that she came, because they needed  her as much as she needed them.
They were grateful that I was there as well, but I felt so much guilt over my actions. Because I decided to pull away from a family that loved me no matter what I did. They tried to show their love when I did stop by, but I honestly did not know how to respond to them. I was not use to being around them, so for me it was difficult. I am sure it was difficult for them as well.
The one thing that I truly learned is that I need to have a better relationship with my GrandDad, Aunts, Uncles & cousins (& their families). I need to make some serious steps to build a bond with them. And can only hope that they will take those steps as well.
On Dec 26 2012, I told my GrandDad that I was extremely sorry for not stopping by. For not creating great memories with them. That I would love to hear stories about my GrandAnn, when he was ready to tell them. He told me he was writing about his life, and that I was welcome to sit down and read it. He told me to sit back in the computer area, and read all I wanted too. I asked him if GrandAnn did, he nodded. So, I will get to read her stories about her life, as well. This may not be the memories I had in the past, but it will give me an idea of how they became the people they are.

Although my heart broke, I learned a valuable lesson. I did not get to say good-bye to my GrandAnn, when she was still alive, but this blog is my good-bye to her. Her death taught me a lesson that I truly need. Even in death, my GrandAnn found a way to give my positive advice. This advice I am going to do all I can correct. There is no excuse for my behavior, it was selfish. But I have let my GrandDad know I want to be more involved in the family. I have told my aunts & uncles that as well, including my cousins. Now I can only hope that my aunts & uncles, plus their families will forgive the selfish actions & help me rebuild a relationship with them.

“Beautiful Girls”

I just go done watching the rest of this movie. How everyone gets back around their reunion. It’s a decent movie, from a few years after I graduated. I have watched this before, and find it interesting that some people believe it takes so long to change. (according to this movie)
NHS has a 20 year reunion coming up this August. 20 years since I left high school, yet it seems like it happened bit longer. People I am to know, which is depressing because I honestly don’t remember much about them. Yes there are a few events that come to mind. But 3 years I went to that high school, I know I have changed since then … LMAO I have 4 kids & am raising my grand daughter with the amazing help of my sons. I have added those who went to school the times around the same time. Some people I have slight memories of, but not much.
I know someone was insane enough to sit on a car while it was being driven. She got hurt, & he felt like horrid. 2 of my friends dated, LOL but the worse part. One girl dropped out of high school & was supposedly a stripper to earn money. (hey I know a lawyer who used it to help pay for school & live off of … if it works, then you cannot bitched about it) Someone I graduated with married a soldier, but never heard who it was or what happened. (I hope it went well, it’s hard when you are a military wife.)
From what I have seen, most everyone has built really great lives for themselves, which is so unlike the movie “Beautiful Girls.” I think when they create movies like this, someone is reaching for what they had, or what they think others want to have. Who honestly knows what is behind the mind of the writer.
Behind my mind is simply, go back and meet the people you once knew if you can, enjoy that reunion. After all, you can never get another chance at a 20th year reunion. From what I have seen, many people have a ton of events to enjoy. As well as silly stories they had from high school …. of course that would make a pretty lame movie!  

NHS c/o ‘91 is having it’s 20th reunion in August. The only question I have is “how do you attend a 20th reunion for a time frame where you don’t remember the individuals or time?”
I like movies like this, but it can be pretty depressing … such is life. Which just what happens & we enjoy what we have.

My poor husband

Yesterday my husband spent so long in the ER. They ran test, after test, on him. But they would not release him because his blood pressure was severely low. Plus he has pneumonia, and they could not give him any form of meds unless he was watched. That is when they secured a bed for him, and transferred him to the upper floors.
They did breathing treatments all night & morning with him. I know he didn’t get much sleep, so I won’t take our kids or granddaughter up to see him. I want him to rest, and he cannot do that with us in there. Yes, that seems harsh but I want him to recover & come home soon.

My husband looked at me yesterday and said "How do you feel when the shoes on the other foot?” I just smiled at him. Because until last night he didn’t grasp that idea. Then he wasn’t enjoying have made that point. They have been running test after test on him, blood, CAT, Ultrasounds, urine, sputum … all those tests that make you feel horrid when they appear. Even worse when they let you know those didn’t give any results, which means MORE tests.

I never wanted my husband to have to go though this. He’s always so healthy, and this has to be so hard for him. I know it is, because he keeps asking me how I am doing. Hello, I am not the one in the hospital!!! It’s hard, extremely, because you are stuck with dr’s deciding what to do with you. “no this test was ok, so we are gonna run these now instead” Leaving you with the thought “why didn’t you just do it the 1st time?” Dreading seeing the nurse, tech, or dr. Wanting to just pack up & leave … letting them find someone else to test or diagnose.

“One joy scatters a hundred grief's.”

original post date: 12/30/10

Every day there is nothing but war, devastating event or some horrid drama on the news. The media always focus on that, after all it draws us in. Yes, even I admit to being pulled in by the horridness of what they show. Just yesterday I watch the 20 most significant murders in Hollywood, and then the top 20 of children murderers. I love horror movies, but even I know when a point is reached. I watched them because to me, I was trying to see or understand why they would do this. Interviews were included, and much more. But did I understand or even come close? No, just as I at times do not comprehend war or watching what nature can do on it’s own to devastate us. Yet, every time there is something like this, we are pulled to watching.
Although that is part of what I am blabbing about, it’s not what I want to focus on. I love to read, although I cannot stay focused on some books, others just take me away. I get so absorbed in them that I can see what  they are writing about. Oh did I get off topic, sorta. I have this bookmark that has the Chinese writings for: Happiness, Harmony, Tranquility, Prosperity. I love that bookmark, but the part I always read over & over again is the Chinese Proverb on back: “One joy scatters a hundred grief's.”
For every one of those devastating events, for all the negative just one positive thing can make the day worth living. Each day I see all this negativity but each day one simply things always brings a smile to my life. It’s may sound a bit harsh but it’s not. In life you have to find something positive, something that means something to you. The best thing to do is find 5 positive things in life, they help bring you though the day. But that is getting a bit off topic as well, isn’t it?

“One joy scatters a hundred grief's.”

I see those joys all around me, from grass growing or getting too tall, to leaves falling from a tree. But the best ones are the way my kids & grandchild enjoy their lives, and the smallest things they see or find to enjoy. The best to describe them is to show them, after all a photo is worth a thousand words, so how about a few?

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Home Sweet Home

original post date: 12/28/10

Mom always told us “it’s where the Army sends us.” Which happened to be Ft Bragg NC, for most of my live. Since then home has been in several places, but to be honest right now home is here we are retiring, Oklahoma. Where the army eventually sent us.

I went to visit my parents & house-sit while they were gone. Using that as my mini-vacation. I lived in Nickerson for 3 or 4 years, yet it doesn’t even feel like home (or ever has). I have pictures of it, even went by where we lived during that time. Yet it doesn’t have a feel to it at all.  There is really no way to explain it, but when you go by a place you have been & there is a connection to it.
Now this was back in Oct, and I loved the time I spent in Hutch. I watched Hutch High’s Homecoming Parade, down Main St (yes, it’s called Main St). I walked though the car show, and was simply amazed over the vehicles. I loved walking though Carey Park, drove though South Hutch, walking though parts of Nickerson … it was interesting to see many places again. Some I knew, other’s I should have known plus all the changes they had. I mean, Nickerson has a police office! Then there are all the changes to the high school, although I don’t see why they were done.
Now our latest vacation (the family) was to GA. Were we spent the holidays with family. Although there were some hitches, there is nothing like walking into a house and feeling like it’s a home. We stayed at Wade’s home (Stacey’s brother). Which was a bit crowded when you figure it was perfect for the couple who lived there … add us 6, and it was bunched but we did not feel unwelcomed. Going over to Teresa’s home (Stacey’s cousin) was amazing. A huge Christmas tree, with gifts up under it, with cards & pictures all over.The kitchen was small but great place to sit and talk over anything. Going over to Rebel’s home (yes, another brother), was so shocking! It was a beautiful home, seems his wife has done some work on the home (serious artist here & I love her creations) & Rebel (all of which is great). Meeting up with part of the family there was amazing, and hasn’t been done in so long. The family was definitely family! They had their issues but they found a way to work around them, which was great for the holiday season.

But the day we arrived back home, it was simply amazing. Our home, there is no other way to state it. I loved visiting Hutch & seeing the sites in that area. I loved going back to GA to visit everyone. But “home sweet home” was exactly where we left it … and how we left it. It did not get a whole in the roof from tree branches, it did not burn down … it was just sitting here waiting for it’s occupants to return. Our pictures on the wall. The photo album with our memories. The little mess here or there from the rush getting out the door.
Yes it is great seeing family, or visiting past places but nothing is like walking though the door of your home. The place that you created & reflects you. The place where you simply are.

This time the army sent us in the right direction … straight home.

  
I loved the low fog in KS

   
                              Granny & Elf Athenah                        Grandpa Vern, Grandmother & Athenah Rea

 

Madison, Granny & Athenah, Miranda, Ivo, with back of Teresa’s head

 

      
                Rebel, Carolyn & Stacey            My boys & their Cousin Kathryn       

 

Ivo, Teresa, Stacey, Tricia, Wade & Athenah Rea

My Favorite Area:

 

Home & family … always the best to have.

What popped into my head today

original post date: 8/26/10

In life you have your wants, needs, & desires. Then you have your own version of what YOU think are  your wants, needs, and desires … and damn it sucks to learn that YOU idea is not always what you need.
I found in life that if you always went for what you though was a need, you found out that it was more of a want or desire. Sure you get some great experiences from the challenge, and you learn to much.
But let’s just stop and think, do you really need all the bs that we try to go for?
Yes a house is needed, and I am loving the one my husband go for us … even with all the work we need to do. It’s our home, a place for us to live and shelters us.
The F150 we had, wasn’t needed … I loved my truck, and at times still miss it. But to be honest, transportation doesn’t need to be like my truck was. We have 2 cars, one going to my son, but like I learned over in Germany, buses & my feet work really well. I can get anywhere I need to by those simple means. Yes, our car is great because it gives me the time to get there when I feel like it, plus seeing I love to drive … I can drive where ever I feel like. (which I have been known to do often & worry people when I don’t tell them!)
Of course there is the normal must haves: food, clothes. LOL but even those can be over done. I mean do you really have to eat out every meal, every day? It’s one thing to eat out ever so often, but really? It’s really not all that health, plus cooking at home is simply fun! And clothes, even I have been known to over do it there. Oh the sad fact is that going over board can just be too much. But it is something that people do …

Hey even I admit when I am guilty of it. After all, I am simply human. Each day, provides some interesting lessons. Sometimes it just takes us a bit to learn from them …

 

But of course the desires, well that is something each person has to figure out for themselves.