Oct 20–Oct 26 ~ Update on Mom/Grandma

Saturday ~ Last week was very hard on Mom/GrandMa, physically & emotionally. She has eaten a bit, but is using the time to rest. She is going to church with her Dad, he is all excited about it ... which makes her happy. It was going to be a surprise, but she felt like she had to give him something positive instead of “bad news” about her. It made them both happy, and that I am grateful for. Also, Cathy & Mike McA stopped by, which was great for Mom. They had her laughing, which is something we have not seen in days. She is always grateful for visiting family & friends, they help her more than they can imagine.
Even though this last week has been tough on Mom, she has been trying to make each day a good day. She has goals that she is trying to make. When she hit’s those goals, she makes another. That is the best thing for her to do right now. This coming week she is kicked into surviving long that the docs gave her. Her quote “I AM A SURVIVOR”

Sunday ~ Today Mom went to church with her dad & sister, Karen. She enjoyed the service & seeing all the people she knew. But sadly, she was unable able to sit though the entire service. She was a little upset that they had to leave so soon. She received many well wishes and offers of prayer from the congregation. She sang, cried, and was simply grateful to be there with her dad ... it meant a lot to both of them.
But sadly, it seems that the rest of today she will be down. The trip & service where pushing just a little. She is still able to get up & move around, but mainly is resting because tomorrow is Chemo treatment.
Oh in case you didn’t notice, I am writing these day by day, instead of trying to remember everything at the end of the week.

Monday ~ Chemo did not go as planned. It would appear that the current treatments (2 different types of chemo) were no longer working. The cancer adapted to them. There is one more type of chemo they will start up next week. Mom will go in for 2-4 hours, for lab work & various other items (nausea meds, potassium, etc.). Then they will attach a pump to her for approximately 2 days. She will not have to sit through 8 hrs. of chemo each Monday. Right now, we are unsure if this is a weekly treatment or ever other week. I will let you know in the following update.
Mom was grateful for not having to go through chemo today. It was like she knew it wasn’t working the way they wanted it to. Plus it was completely wiping her out. She is up and moving today, which compared to this weekend, is simply amazing. She still has her sense of humor, because she found a way to joke & laugh when being teased. (Which do happen but with all the extra stress ... it’s not too often lately)
But keep in mind that there is no expiration date on her feet or any where on her body. She will do her best to keep fighting this ... but keep in mind, that eventually she will be worn out by the constant fighting. We all must be prepared for that day; whether we like it/don’t like it, or accepting it/not accepting it. Mom wants us all to stick together & remember her in the positives ways she tried to remember others.

Tuesday ~ This day was a day of resting. No appointments, no driving all over the place ... just a beautiful day to sit outside and enjoy it. Mom just loved it, because she didn’t have to wear a jacket or coat. The breeze was one of those “just right” types. Not too cold or hot. Simply a beautiful day.
Karie O stopped to see her big sis, and she brought a lovely floral plant ... it is beautiful. Plus she gave Mom a figurine with a scarecrow that has “Autumn” on it. Mom really enjoyed see her sis, they talked for what seemed like hours ... I think it was good for both of them. (Thanks Karie for coming by)
Later that night, Mom read the info on her pending Chemo. She talked to Dad & I about it, told us it’s there when we want to read it. Plus she told us how she felt after reading it. I think it did her some good to have some idea as to what they are giving her. She will be Folfox, you can look it up online to get more info ... otherwise this email would be pages long

Wednesday ~ Not much happened today. It was more of a resting day. Mom is trying very hard to prep herself for the Folfox treatment. Which means drinking ROOM TEMP beverages, bundling up .... down that line of thinking. She is just trying really hard to get read for this treatment pending on Monday. But she is so grateful that Dad, Karyl W & I will all be there, this way all of us know about the pump. She is gonna talk to her other siblings to see if they would go to the following apt so they can learn about the pump, which will relieve her mind (LOL and give Dad & I a break ). I think it would be good for those who are local to go with her, they have been simply amazing ... and this way, they can ask the nurses & doc questions they may have. It has been so hard on everyone.

Thursday ~ Learning to bundle up isn’t not something Mom likes to do. Todays weather showed that .... but I will say she is trying!! Mom is still emotional about the passing of her brother. It is really hard on her siblings & herself, and it makes her want to fight even harder. Yesterday, I was a bit worried because it’s been a week since she found out, but she is slowly going though the “grieving process” ... it has been a hard week for all the siblings & her dad. I am just grateful it has pulled them closer together.

Friday ~ Started off bad, but Mom decided it would be a good day no matter what. Her sister, Karen L, stopped by ... she really enjoyed that time. Yea, I think they talked for hours, even though it wasn’t actually that long . It was ups & downs all day, but Mom worked really hard on keep her head up & enjoying the cold weather.
Her eating has gotten a lot better. And she is working to prepare for the new chemo on Monday. She has to learn to bundle up because of possible nerve damage. But with the loss of her brother, she is determined that she will be here for a while ... Go Mom!!!!

3 months

My dad called, but he also sent an email. Life is just tearing us a part …

There is no easy way to say this, so I will just lay out the facts as we were told.

They were able to identify the primary source of the cancer as being in her bile duct. It is a very aggressive type of cancer and is in its advanced stages in her liver. As you know it is classified as stage IV liver cancer. This disease carries a very poor survival of less than 3 months. But that is a worse case scenario. Hopefully the chemo will be able to slow the progress of the cancer and give her more time.

Right now the clinic is going thru the paperwork drill with TRICARE to ensure they will pay for everything. Once that is done we will be notified of a date to start her chemo treatments. She will go in for the chemo one day and then back the next day to get IVs to flush her system. This will be repeated the following week and then she will get a weeks break before beginning the cycle all over again.

For now Mom is pretty much in a state of shock and trying to adjust to what she has been told today. Please hold any calls until maybe tomorrow to give her time to compose herself and maybe get some rest. She is sleeping right now, as the news we were given has left her mentally and physically drained.

If any of you want/need to talk to me I will be home the rest of today. I am sorry to have to be the one to tell you this horrible news.

Dad

What I really hate about medical problems

Over the last few years I went from decently healthy to massive medical problems. I guess I had them before but they were not officially diagnosed. Now, it seems like every time I see my dr. I end up with yet another issue to add .
I have or have had:

• Stroke
• fibromyalgia
• arthritis
• bulging disk in my back & neck
• migraines
• ulcers
• depression
• PFO
• low-iron anemia
• blood pressure issues (too low on a normal basis; too blasted high when I get upset)
• stress (far too much according to my doctors)
• panic attacks
• anxiety issues
• slight allergy to the sun (sunscreen doesn’t even help)
• allergic to morphine (so freaking annoying)
• bone growths on the back of both knees
• bladder issues (yep, it even happens to us younger folks)
• sleeping problems
• nerves problems (like not being able to use arms or legs)
• bruising all over body
• loss of hair (do to meds I am on, as well as medical problems)
• acid reflux

LOL it’s bad when you forget a ton of items that you have been diagnosed with. But honestly, it is really bad to be afraid to see your doctor when you know he is going to give you more issues to learn to deal with.

I have told my doctor that one time I would enjoy seeing any of them as long as they provided me with positive news. He just laughed and said I was always an interesting patient … really??? One who DOES NOT want medical problems. One who is now more afraid of seeing my doctors. One who is scared of what they will tell me next. How does that make me “interesting”???? In my opinion, that makes me a fearful patient, definitely not interesting.
But I guess in there case, they are getting to use all the medical training. Which means I am “interesting” to them. I cannot hate them because they are great doctors, and they are always honest with me when I see them. They do not do  give me that bull where they … what’s the correct word or phrase? … treat me like a person who will simply crash from hearing the news they have to give me. They are direct and straight up with me, which I am grateful for. They do not treat me like a porcelain doll that will just crumb if touch wrong. Trust me I have seen doctors treat patients like the were fragile. Treat them as though they would simply crumble from the news they were given.

My parents taught us that you have to accept what the news. You can get upset over it. You can get sad or depressed over it. But you have to learn about what you have. You have to learn to laugh about it, and accept it. Because in the end, there is not much else you can do … except ignore it.
Ignoring your medical problems do not make them go way. It makes your life harder. I recently learned that. I was honest, told people I had a stoke. I told them, but did not let them know just how much I lost when it occurred. I did not tell them, the closest of my friends or even my family, know the actual severity of it. I was embarrassed, and ashamed because I truly did not remember so much about these people who were close to me. I had some feelings where I knew that some of these people were trustworthy and others I was uncomfortable around. Some of the people in my life, I have since learned why. Others I am still learning more about.

Guess the title of this blog should be something else. But honestly, for me it fits. Because I really do hate my medical problems. They cause me to avoid being close to people like I was before. They prevent me from doing a lot of things. Even chores around the house, you know vacuuming … that can take me over an hour to do. Because I get so exhausted from it. Exercising makes me feel amazing, but will put me in bed for a few days. Which really bites because I end up with so much energy, but my body itself crashes. Playing outside with my granddaughter, I can do a little but then have to rest. Hiking, which is so much fun, but afterwards my body crashes if I “over do it.”
”Over doing” is a phrase I really dislike. Today, I was looking for my router disk to set up my computer with our home router (love wireless … gives me more freedom that sitting at a desk). So I was cleaning up the computer area in our home. I got so tired, and I was not even finished cleaning & organizing. I had to stop. Went out back to talk with my son, stood up and the world started spinning around me … my husband had to help me get back inside because I was afraid I was going to collapse. There was NO WAY I was going to have to get my son to carry me inside. That is just way to embarrassing, for me that is.

See, my family seems to understand & accept that I have the medical problems I have quicker than I do. They are patient, but at times they do get a little irritated. After all, it sucks when you cannot take your child to the gym. Or go bike riding, hiking, fishing, swimming … or half a million other things that are fun to do with family. Sure movie nights are great, or board/card games are fun. But what kid wants to do them all the time? Even I get tired of playing them or watching movies/TV shows all them time. I love going hiking with my family. I enjoying going fishing with them. But even they know that “over doing it” prevents me from doing other things with them. And yes, I can “over do it” playing board/card games.

I guess, in many ways, I am one of the luckiest people on the planet. Simply because of the understanding, compassion, love and support that I received from my family. I really helps me so much that they do understand, even with they get irritated. Because without them, my life would be so much harder.
So while I truly hate my medical problems, I have the greatest family when it comes down to dealing with all the issues that seem to find their way to me.

I am learning to accept all my medical problems, and I will laugh at them. After all, if you do not find a way to laugh … you will live in misery. I prefer happiness, love, enjoyment. Misery can go find someone else. I just wish some people understood the concept of why you should laugh … it makes accepting so much easier.

A simple smile

Today I put my grand daughter on the floor to play, and turned on the recording of the “wiggles.” After watching a few, I turned the TV to the sprout channel. It was cute, so I looked up the web site, let’s just say if you are looking or it don’t just type “sprout” it’s Sprout Online.
Usually I complain a bit my daughter not taking care of her, and I sat to consider that during this time. Yesterday I started a “bitch” blog about my daughter & her boy-toys, but deleted it.  Because to be honest I don’t want to sit and complain about my daughter all the time. There is more to our lives than the drama she brings. I have 3 great sons, an amazing husband, and a beautiful grand daughter. Plus you add in extended family, I have more to discuss than the drama that my daughter brings into our lives. It’s about time I started remember that.
Watching my granddaughter I realized that no matter what her mother does, it’s not her fault. That she will be an amazing person as long as we help her reach that point.

While my granddaughter was playing on the floor, with her toys and listening to Sprout TV, I asked her if she would put on a magic show like Caliliou did for his family. She just looked at me and grinned.
That smile just made my day. I have to stop & remember that even with all the annoying items in our life, there is still tons of positive. It’s simply amazing how a little smile can remind you of that.

I watched my grand daughter for a while, considering all the negative that has been going on. During that short time, I went from stressed out to completely relaxed. She played with her toys, smiling, giggling, turning over & moving on the blanket. Such a simple life, and so easy to life at this age. Something that helps remind us that no matter what is going on in life, it never hurts to sit back and enjoy yourself. Find your blanket, toys or what ever and relax. Because no matter what you do, there will always be negative & positive stress. You just have to remember to relax … or rather I have to remember to relax.

My poor husband

Yesterday my husband spent so long in the ER. They ran test, after test, on him. But they would not release him because his blood pressure was severely low. Plus he has pneumonia, and they could not give him any form of meds unless he was watched. That is when they secured a bed for him, and transferred him to the upper floors.
They did breathing treatments all night & morning with him. I know he didn’t get much sleep, so I won’t take our kids or granddaughter up to see him. I want him to rest, and he cannot do that with us in there. Yes, that seems harsh but I want him to recover & come home soon.

My husband looked at me yesterday and said "How do you feel when the shoes on the other foot?” I just smiled at him. Because until last night he didn’t grasp that idea. Then he wasn’t enjoying have made that point. They have been running test after test on him, blood, CAT, Ultrasounds, urine, sputum … all those tests that make you feel horrid when they appear. Even worse when they let you know those didn’t give any results, which means MORE tests.

I never wanted my husband to have to go though this. He’s always so healthy, and this has to be so hard for him. I know it is, because he keeps asking me how I am doing. Hello, I am not the one in the hospital!!! It’s hard, extremely, because you are stuck with dr’s deciding what to do with you. “no this test was ok, so we are gonna run these now instead” Leaving you with the thought “why didn’t you just do it the 1st time?” Dreading seeing the nurse, tech, or dr. Wanting to just pack up & leave … letting them find someone else to test or diagnose.

“One joy scatters a hundred grief's.”

original post date: 12/30/10

Every day there is nothing but war, devastating event or some horrid drama on the news. The media always focus on that, after all it draws us in. Yes, even I admit to being pulled in by the horridness of what they show. Just yesterday I watch the 20 most significant murders in Hollywood, and then the top 20 of children murderers. I love horror movies, but even I know when a point is reached. I watched them because to me, I was trying to see or understand why they would do this. Interviews were included, and much more. But did I understand or even come close? No, just as I at times do not comprehend war or watching what nature can do on it’s own to devastate us. Yet, every time there is something like this, we are pulled to watching.
Although that is part of what I am blabbing about, it’s not what I want to focus on. I love to read, although I cannot stay focused on some books, others just take me away. I get so absorbed in them that I can see what  they are writing about. Oh did I get off topic, sorta. I have this bookmark that has the Chinese writings for: Happiness, Harmony, Tranquility, Prosperity. I love that bookmark, but the part I always read over & over again is the Chinese Proverb on back: “One joy scatters a hundred grief's.”
For every one of those devastating events, for all the negative just one positive thing can make the day worth living. Each day I see all this negativity but each day one simply things always brings a smile to my life. It’s may sound a bit harsh but it’s not. In life you have to find something positive, something that means something to you. The best thing to do is find 5 positive things in life, they help bring you though the day. But that is getting a bit off topic as well, isn’t it?

“One joy scatters a hundred grief's.”

I see those joys all around me, from grass growing or getting too tall, to leaves falling from a tree. But the best ones are the way my kids & grandchild enjoy their lives, and the smallest things they see or find to enjoy. The best to describe them is to show them, after all a photo is worth a thousand words, so how about a few?

View Full Album

Home Sweet Home

original post date: 12/28/10

Mom always told us “it’s where the Army sends us.” Which happened to be Ft Bragg NC, for most of my live. Since then home has been in several places, but to be honest right now home is here we are retiring, Oklahoma. Where the army eventually sent us.

I went to visit my parents & house-sit while they were gone. Using that as my mini-vacation. I lived in Nickerson for 3 or 4 years, yet it doesn’t even feel like home (or ever has). I have pictures of it, even went by where we lived during that time. Yet it doesn’t have a feel to it at all.  There is really no way to explain it, but when you go by a place you have been & there is a connection to it.
Now this was back in Oct, and I loved the time I spent in Hutch. I watched Hutch High’s Homecoming Parade, down Main St (yes, it’s called Main St). I walked though the car show, and was simply amazed over the vehicles. I loved walking though Carey Park, drove though South Hutch, walking though parts of Nickerson … it was interesting to see many places again. Some I knew, other’s I should have known plus all the changes they had. I mean, Nickerson has a police office! Then there are all the changes to the high school, although I don’t see why they were done.
Now our latest vacation (the family) was to GA. Were we spent the holidays with family. Although there were some hitches, there is nothing like walking into a house and feeling like it’s a home. We stayed at Wade’s home (Stacey’s brother). Which was a bit crowded when you figure it was perfect for the couple who lived there … add us 6, and it was bunched but we did not feel unwelcomed. Going over to Teresa’s home (Stacey’s cousin) was amazing. A huge Christmas tree, with gifts up under it, with cards & pictures all over.The kitchen was small but great place to sit and talk over anything. Going over to Rebel’s home (yes, another brother), was so shocking! It was a beautiful home, seems his wife has done some work on the home (serious artist here & I love her creations) & Rebel (all of which is great). Meeting up with part of the family there was amazing, and hasn’t been done in so long. The family was definitely family! They had their issues but they found a way to work around them, which was great for the holiday season.

But the day we arrived back home, it was simply amazing. Our home, there is no other way to state it. I loved visiting Hutch & seeing the sites in that area. I loved going back to GA to visit everyone. But “home sweet home” was exactly where we left it … and how we left it. It did not get a whole in the roof from tree branches, it did not burn down … it was just sitting here waiting for it’s occupants to return. Our pictures on the wall. The photo album with our memories. The little mess here or there from the rush getting out the door.
Yes it is great seeing family, or visiting past places but nothing is like walking though the door of your home. The place that you created & reflects you. The place where you simply are.

This time the army sent us in the right direction … straight home.

  
I loved the low fog in KS

   
                              Granny & Elf Athenah                        Grandpa Vern, Grandmother & Athenah Rea

 

Madison, Granny & Athenah, Miranda, Ivo, with back of Teresa’s head

 

      
                Rebel, Carolyn & Stacey            My boys & their Cousin Kathryn       

 

Ivo, Teresa, Stacey, Tricia, Wade & Athenah Rea

My Favorite Area:

 

Home & family … always the best to have.

“IT’S NOT FAIR”

original post date: 12/28/10

Fair??? There is no freaking FAIR in this world. We try to be decent people, and do the correct thing. Well, that is some of us do.
Yet there is always that one person who expects you to do it all for them. And when you say NO they start begging, and saying “it’s not fair.” I had to stop & really figure out what I should say and how I wanted to say it.

Not Fair … not when you have to watch a person bury their child. Not fair … when you watch soldiers deploy to a country with a high chance of dying. Not fair … when you see a young child living in a car, or on the streets. Not fair … when you watch the news over a child who’s supposed family killed them. Not fair … is simply what you will find when you look around life. Not fair … Not fair … Not fair … is something all of us are tired of hearing.
Yes you can find “fair” when you get off your butts and start making it happen. Learning to understand that religions are differently, not forcing yours on others, and finding a way to accept them. Learning to know that some people should not be allowed to raise children, to understand when they start reaching out for help. Learning to accept when you can do something & not feel worthless because of it. Learning to control rage, and know when to stop … and find someone when you know you need help to prevent it.
There is so much more to create “fair” but does the list have to keep going? After all that is just the simple start of the list. Watch the news, read the paper, listen to the talks of adults … because you will hear so much that is considered “not fair”. But the most amazing part? Is how they many handle it. When it’s done with out harming another, you will see more “fair” than you would ever expect.
Remember: Life is not fair, it is not some freaking fairy tale. There is no “happily ever after” unless each of us makes the steps to find it. You will still have your ups & downs, but it will be the choice you made.

I am rather sick of hearing “not fair” from so many people. Each day my husband & I wake to raising our 3 amazing boys, and our beautiful granddaughter. We wake each day to check on our daughter, who has moved out & on with her life. Each day we wake knowing that the only way we can have that “happy ending” is by enjoying what we have. Yes there are things that we would like, but to be honest, they are things that we may truly not need. We wake each day knowing that life may give us a little twist or a massive one. But each day we work though it. That is how we find out “fair” in life.

Stop looking at the “not’s” in your life, and look at what you have. Because that is the only “fair” you are gonna find. Go build your castle, or our house with a white picket fence, or what ever you want … but do it with a bit more common sense.