How my heart broke Jan. 24, 2012

My GrandAnn passed away late the night of Jan 24, 2012. We had been watching her slowly die over the last month. This tore me apart for many reason, but the main one was my selfish behavior when I visited my parents. See, I was upset over some of the ways that my Mom was treated ed by her family. This caused me to be selfish and not go see my grandparents or Aunts & Uncles. I did not even see my cousins on that side of the family.
Hindsight kills you. Because now I do not have that many memories of an amazing & beautiful woman. A woman who was a good grandmother. One who loved us so much through out our lives. I was GrandAnn’s Birdy. That is what she called me for so long. When we were young we visited often, which was hard on my parents but they made sure we knew our extended family. We lived near them twice, once when I was younger probably around 3 or 4. My brother was born here. My grandmother rushed my mother to the hospital when she went into labor. She stayed with my mother, showing her that she loved her & was there to support her. My father was stationed overseas at the time, which had to be hard for him, missing his son being born.
The next time we lived there I was about 15. We stayed until just after I graduated. My grandparents loved having us over. And until Mom found a place, with the help of my grandparent’s, we stayed with them. It was nice from the few memories I have of that time. When we moved to the house Mom found, we were always invited over. My GrandAnn loved when I went to Church with them, so did my GrandDad. I feel as if I enjoyed the times I went with them, but am not quite sure because of the lack of memories I have. My Aunt made my prom dress, and my GrandDad took pictures of me in it. They seemed to be impressed with how I looked in it. As well as how their daughters worked together to get the fabric, pattern and making sure I stopped by for the measuring's and fittings.
But there were bad times too, which happens in families. There were times they would forget that Mom was close by, which is understandable see that we were a military family. This upset Mom, and because of it, I was upset & disappointed in our extended family (sorry I use that, but it’s easier to type than “grandparents, aunts & uncles”). But just because they made mistakes, and we made mistakes does not mean I should have acted the way I have as I grew up.
Since Dec 2007, I have been in this area. My family stayed with my parents while we searched for houses at our new duty station. When we found a house, we still came up to visit. During those visits I would occasionally go see my GrandAnn & GrandDad. But as each visit occurred I gradually cut my visits with them. Sometimes I would not even stop by. Yes, that is horrid & very selfish. Yes, it was flat our wrong to do. But I was thinking with anger and disappointed feelings.
My Mom and I have been going over daily since my GrandAnn’s  health turned for the worse. It tore us all apart, my GrandDad (who had been married to her for 62 yrs.); my Mom, her siblings & their families; my family & me. It was stressing my father out because of how much it was hurting my mother, my brothers were also worried about Mom.
On Dec 26, GrandAnn’s breathing became like a person having an asthma attack (which I have seen). My Mom knew she would pass soon, but could not watch the mother she loved pass. It was already tearing her apart just to be there as she slowly died.
When my aunt called Mom, she woke Dad & me up. She called my brother and he notified our other brother. I drove her to their home, the one she was raised in, to see her Mom & to be there with her Dad & siblings. They were grateful that she came, because they needed  her as much as she needed them.
They were grateful that I was there as well, but I felt so much guilt over my actions. Because I decided to pull away from a family that loved me no matter what I did. They tried to show their love when I did stop by, but I honestly did not know how to respond to them. I was not use to being around them, so for me it was difficult. I am sure it was difficult for them as well.
The one thing that I truly learned is that I need to have a better relationship with my GrandDad, Aunts, Uncles & cousins (& their families). I need to make some serious steps to build a bond with them. And can only hope that they will take those steps as well.
On Dec 26 2012, I told my GrandDad that I was extremely sorry for not stopping by. For not creating great memories with them. That I would love to hear stories about my GrandAnn, when he was ready to tell them. He told me he was writing about his life, and that I was welcome to sit down and read it. He told me to sit back in the computer area, and read all I wanted too. I asked him if GrandAnn did, he nodded. So, I will get to read her stories about her life, as well. This may not be the memories I had in the past, but it will give me an idea of how they became the people they are.

Although my heart broke, I learned a valuable lesson. I did not get to say good-bye to my GrandAnn, when she was still alive, but this blog is my good-bye to her. Her death taught me a lesson that I truly need. Even in death, my GrandAnn found a way to give my positive advice. This advice I am going to do all I can correct. There is no excuse for my behavior, it was selfish. But I have let my GrandDad know I want to be more involved in the family. I have told my aunts & uncles that as well, including my cousins. Now I can only hope that my aunts & uncles, plus their families will forgive the selfish actions & help me rebuild a relationship with them.

Trip to KS … 1st part

The first week in KS resulted in all of us with the stomach flu & recovering from it. Nothing worse than trying to care for 2 kids, and not vomit along side them. My heart went out to both of them, because they were so exhausted & worn out.
My parents packed for the trip to see Yanni and Jayden, as well as Cate & Eric. It was a horrid start for a trip, 1st day the flight was CANCELLED. Mom was all prepared to leave, and was so upset when they cancelled the flight after they had been sitting there for a few hours. Dad was simply disappointed in the fact they could have let the passengers know the flight was going to be delayed or cancelled … but the positive thing is my SIL is their travel agent & she had it fixed in no time at all.

1st Trip to AirPort VIEW SLIDE SHOW DOWNLOAD ALL

The worst part, is I went to Hobby Lobby to get fabric to make my boys PJ’s. Then we stopped by Subway for Lunch. It was nice until we got back to Hutch & I had to make a trip back to Wichita.   Logan watched Athenah, instead of dragging them back to the airport.
The 2nd trip was successful, such a relief to me. Of course this time I did not leave Wichita until Dad told me that they were boarding. The day before I ended up making two trips to Wichita … not what I wanted to do again.
I stopped by to replace my shoes, which even as comfortable as they were, they were to the point of replacing. Found a pair of comfy boots, got some stocking stuffers for my boys. Then went back to Mom’s & Dad’s. Logan was amazing because he watch Athenah the entire time I was gone. But I am just happy, because it made the trip easier. She likes to go places, but does not like being “trapped” in a car seat or stroller … can you blame her?
The next couple weeks we (Logan, Athenah & me) relaxed, baked, played games & after dark drove around to look at Christmas Lights. Logan about had a cow because most of the lights we found were simply white/clear. He listens to his GrandPa too much on that topic, as well as a few others But I have to agree with him, when you decorate for the holidays you want cheerful. Using only one color, can be a bit depressing. And white/clear lights don’t do so well when it snows. But if you use a variety of colors, it really makes it cheerful and seems more like the holidays. Basically, go from “bland” to “cheerful.” Then again, each person has an idea how they want to decorate. (feel for my sons, because the next holiday season, my home will get decorated as I prefer)
The games were ok, Logan loves to play a large variety. He is good with strategic options.

Games, Lights, Baking VIEW SLIDE SHOW DOWNLOAD ALL

After a while, my husband & sons arrived. Then it was a more baking, games, and getting ready for the holidays. Plus during this time, my husband & I celebrated our 14th anniversary. Out to dinner, which was nice. Then we check out the theater, which we opted out of because there was nothing playing we really wanted to see. Then we picked up some last minutes gifts, for the boys & him.
I was really excited about this holiday because for the 1st time in my life, 39 years, I was suppose see my GrandPa on Christmas, as well as the Lamb’s. Usually it is celebrated with the McAllister’s on Christmas Eve, and Lamb’s on Christmas Day. Lunch was with my GrandPa, which we did enjoy. But sadly we missed “dinner” with the Lamb’s because they let me know on Christmas Eve that it will began at 1pm on Christmas. Which it was pointed out that “From one of the Lambs who never let you know”, as well as “We are happy you are here after all these years” … I was rather insulted. I have been back for the holidays. But sadly I do not come back every year, I do not live in KS. Plus I have a family of my own, which does now include an extended family that lives in NC, GA & FL. Yet, I have traveled to KS several times to be here for the holidays. Yea, I am a bit unhappy over this holiday season … but in the end, I has my husband, sons & granddaughter to celebrate it with. That is the most important part, MY FAMILY was together. Seeing that in the past my husband has missed the holidays because he was deployed. So, regardless of what happened I had an amazing holiday’s because my family was together. My husband was not deployed, and it was our 1st holiday season as a RETIRED military family!!!! There is nothing more important than having the person you love with you, and now there is no more worries of him having to deploy over the holidays. For me, that made this the BEST holiday, ever.
So accepting all the negative & positive of the holidays, is just something I will just learn to handle. But will always know the holiday season of 2011 was the best. Plus it will start off the rest of our lives, outside of the military.

Enjoying the Holidays VIEW SLIDE SHOW DOWNLOAD ALL

After the holidays, hubby & sons went home. Logan & I took Athenah to the Zoo, as well Carey Park to play and feed the ducks. Logan has been working hard on school work, so he can play League of Legends.  Which it has been suggested that I learn to play by Logan & Mike … LOL so not gonna happen. But it was a cute request . He is working hard because he has to take a test so he can start high school next year. Which I have discussed it with him several times, and although I am not found of public schools, I think that he will learn a bit more than we can teach him, or K12 can teach him.

Fun times for All … VIEW SLIDE SHOW DOWNLOAD ALL

But I really have to say that I am so thrilled that my parents are truly enjoying their trip out to see Yanni & Jayden (Cate & Eric, too). They really needed the break from stress, and the day to day life here. They are getting to make precious memories with their grandsons, daughter-in-law, sons, and the extended family they have over there!! Going to horse races, parks, malls, salons, family dinners … and so much more. (Hopefully soon they will come visit us here in the states.)
Now off to spend time with my son & granddaughter

My Bucket List

One that I have thought about, and put off doing. Now lets see what I can add to this little list over the next couple weeks ... Sorry, all but considering having one & making it were two different steps.

Tricia's Bucket List

1. learn to scuba dive
2. see my sons get through college
3. find other was for treatments than pill after pill
4.  

Outside fun …

Giggling, and enjoying swinging

Athenah LOVES to be outside. Going for walks with us in the evening, playing with all her toys outback, and going to the park. She just loves it, and in those times, you can simply enjoy the simple things that just makes people happy. After all, we were once those children playing and enjoying life.

Just enjoying a walk

I think the most fun we have is when she is at the playground or with the toys in our back yard. She is so active, and enjoys the time outside.

Play Time VIEW SLIDE SHOW DOWNLOAD ALL

All I can say, is that she keeps all of us busy. From her Uncles, to Pa and MeMa … and always has us with smiles, laughing & simply enjoying how much fun the simplest and silliest things can be.

Add Music, and it still makes it fun

I think the vids and pictures pretty much sum it up! But what you should really keep in mind, is how much fun they have … and sometimes it’s a good idea for adults to relax a little and find that fun time in themselves.

What has happened to our schools??

Years ago it was one thing to run your mouth, or get into a fight. We knew how to defend ourselves or simply annoy people.

A student can state another is his/her gay lover, and that student isn’t suppose to do anything about it because the accused gets called a “bully” then. Sure the regular statements are made: coward, wimp, slut … I am sure there are other’s but those are more than enough to get the point across.

Calling someone a wimp, coward, (hades even) a slut was common when we were when we were growing up. In my parents time, it was probably the same, because teen pregnancies were really unaccepted. They were not looked at too well when I was growing up, but they are accepted as common fact now. (another pitiful event)
Wimps or cowards … everyone has their own idea as to that. To be honest, I have not really met any of those who at least had the balls to face you. Oh there are cowards, those are the idiots who jump you from behind; bring guns to school to shot others … those are COWARDS.
If you cannot at least have the “balls” to face off the person you are angry with, then you aren’t worth the time to even look at.

Yes that is harsh. But when a person jumps another from behind, that is the act of a COWARD. When a person takes a gun to kill someone, instead of facing them, that is a COWARD.
These are the people the schools are now PROTECTING. They are allowing these children to be a part of society that they cannot handle. These students are allowed to do & say whatever they choose, but if the students they are going after do anything THEY are called “BULLIES.” Those actions are far beyond any logic I understand.

How is a “bully” the person defending themselves? In my opinion, the bully is the one who keeps going after another for no reason other than to make themselves feel better.

Happy 1st Birthday, Athenah Rea

Happy Birthday

Actually Athenah had 2 for her 1st. One with just family, and the second one with a few people her mother invited. (Lucky I found out because she was planning on having our home filled with far too many of her own friends . People I do not know or care to know, check that I do know a few … at times that is FAR to many.)

On her actual birthday she got a Tinker Bell cupcake. Then we had the “party” on that Saturday. Which that had a white cake with blue flowers, and edging around it. Athenah got her own little white cake with a pink rose on it. (Which covered her from head to toe, and then some )

We had a great day. Party, with a few people over, cute gifts, cake & ice cream, decent pictures. The cutest part was her devouring the cake. The funniest part was when we told her mother SHE could bath her (the look was priceless but no pic of her facial expression, sadly). We, also, got to show her who to open packages (which Uncle Mike will NO longer be allowed to wrap … the tape was horrid). Once she figured out there was something under the wrapping paper, she would try to pull it out.

All in all … my sons, husband and I have had an amazing year with Athenah. There will be more to come in the following years, but 1st birthdays are the most precious. (I wish her older brother would have been here to celebrate it with her.)

Happy Birthday Athenah Rea VIEW SLIDE SHOW DOWNLOAD ALL

Later that night we went and watch Roller Derby, 580 Girls. Although our home team lost, it was pretty good to go see. Athenah enjoyed it, of course she wanted to go down and play with them.

Roller Derby VIEW SLIDE SHOW DOWNLOAD ALL

Cannot wait see how Christmas will be this year … prob gonna have to keep all presents up out of the way so our little grand daughter doesn’t open them all!

A simple smile

Even during really bad days, sometimes that is all it takes …. to see my boys smile or my grand daughter smile.
 

Smiles VIEW SLIDE SHOW DOWNLOAD ALL

“Beautiful Girls”

I just go done watching the rest of this movie. How everyone gets back around their reunion. It’s a decent movie, from a few years after I graduated. I have watched this before, and find it interesting that some people believe it takes so long to change. (according to this movie)
NHS has a 20 year reunion coming up this August. 20 years since I left high school, yet it seems like it happened bit longer. People I am to know, which is depressing because I honestly don’t remember much about them. Yes there are a few events that come to mind. But 3 years I went to that high school, I know I have changed since then … LMAO I have 4 kids & am raising my grand daughter with the amazing help of my sons. I have added those who went to school the times around the same time. Some people I have slight memories of, but not much.
I know someone was insane enough to sit on a car while it was being driven. She got hurt, & he felt like horrid. 2 of my friends dated, LOL but the worse part. One girl dropped out of high school & was supposedly a stripper to earn money. (hey I know a lawyer who used it to help pay for school & live off of … if it works, then you cannot bitched about it) Someone I graduated with married a soldier, but never heard who it was or what happened. (I hope it went well, it’s hard when you are a military wife.)
From what I have seen, most everyone has built really great lives for themselves, which is so unlike the movie “Beautiful Girls.” I think when they create movies like this, someone is reaching for what they had, or what they think others want to have. Who honestly knows what is behind the mind of the writer.
Behind my mind is simply, go back and meet the people you once knew if you can, enjoy that reunion. After all, you can never get another chance at a 20th year reunion. From what I have seen, many people have a ton of events to enjoy. As well as silly stories they had from high school …. of course that would make a pretty lame movie!  

NHS c/o ‘91 is having it’s 20th reunion in August. The only question I have is “how do you attend a 20th reunion for a time frame where you don’t remember the individuals or time?”
I like movies like this, but it can be pretty depressing … such is life. Which just what happens & we enjoy what we have.

Fix OUR problems 1st

Libya

Ok, usually I don’t say much about this. But really, why can’t we just fix our OWN freaking problems? Why is it that our government has to get involved with other countries when we have so many problems here?

I have always back what they have done. Kosovo, Iraq, Afghanistan … but now we have hit a point where we have lost far too many of our soldiers lives so OTHER countries can get help. Where is the help that this country needs? Because I sure as hades do not see it happening.

We have teenagers, who have hit an all time low. They shoot each other just because they are pissed at what the other says. They are having children, and not being able to care for them. Teens taking off to live on the streets.
We have adults which are in serious need of assistance.

Teens & Drugs, teen pregnancy, teen so-called parents, drug addicts, homeless individuals, gang bangers …. schooling, economy … we have so many problems to fix here in our own country, which we get no assistance from others on. Yet, here we go stepping into another countries issues.

No I do not believe that there should be bloodshed. No I do not believe that there should be psycho’s running countries. I can go with the “no” until I die, but right now we need to start looking at our own country & start there.
This isn’t written as I normally would. Because, to be honest, there is no logic to any of this. There is anger, and disbelieve. There is shock. But there is no logic to what is occurring, because instead of fixing the problems OUR country has, we are looking to fix others.
It’s time our government started looking at OUR countries problems. It is time OUR government starts looking to FIX the problems in the country they live in. Plain & simple, fix it here before you worry about some other countries issues.

And this is coming from the woman who is raising her teen age daughter’s child. The woman who as said “bye” to several soldiers and never seeing them again. Being told by those men they would take care of my husband, who came home. From a woman who has watched, far too often, and in some ways agreed with what is has been done.
From a woman who does not want to see any more deaths of the soldiers I respect more than you can imagine. Who does not want to see her own children being sent into places when they are truly needed here. A woman who is sick of seeing the country she loves falls further into … where ever we are falling. It is time to start here, and fix our problems before we step into fix another’s problems.

A simple smile

Today I put my grand daughter on the floor to play, and turned on the recording of the “wiggles.” After watching a few, I turned the TV to the sprout channel. It was cute, so I looked up the web site, let’s just say if you are looking or it don’t just type “sprout” it’s Sprout Online.
Usually I complain a bit my daughter not taking care of her, and I sat to consider that during this time. Yesterday I started a “bitch” blog about my daughter & her boy-toys, but deleted it.  Because to be honest I don’t want to sit and complain about my daughter all the time. There is more to our lives than the drama she brings. I have 3 great sons, an amazing husband, and a beautiful grand daughter. Plus you add in extended family, I have more to discuss than the drama that my daughter brings into our lives. It’s about time I started remember that.
Watching my granddaughter I realized that no matter what her mother does, it’s not her fault. That she will be an amazing person as long as we help her reach that point.

While my granddaughter was playing on the floor, with her toys and listening to Sprout TV, I asked her if she would put on a magic show like Caliliou did for his family. She just looked at me and grinned.
That smile just made my day. I have to stop & remember that even with all the annoying items in our life, there is still tons of positive. It’s simply amazing how a little smile can remind you of that.

I watched my grand daughter for a while, considering all the negative that has been going on. During that short time, I went from stressed out to completely relaxed. She played with her toys, smiling, giggling, turning over & moving on the blanket. Such a simple life, and so easy to life at this age. Something that helps remind us that no matter what is going on in life, it never hurts to sit back and enjoy yourself. Find your blanket, toys or what ever and relax. Because no matter what you do, there will always be negative & positive stress. You just have to remember to relax … or rather I have to remember to relax.