It will break your heart

When you are told that you mom has Stage 4 cancer, it definitely will break your heart. But it’s even harder to tell your kids about it … after all, that is their GrandMa.
We have been dealing with this since Aug 2012. It hasn’t gotten any easier. And it won’t.
Now Mom is buying time by taking Chemo. Hoping to give us extra time with her … more for us than for her.
That is what you call a strong woman! A woman to remember & tell about to our kids, grandkids, great-grandkids … an on down the line. Because no matter what, she will be forever in our hearts …

I love you Mom. You are the greatest woman I have ever known!

Oct 1–Oct 6 ~ Weekly update

Monday, was Chemo. She did amazing, rested, ate ... even though it was a long procedure she handled it well. Tuesday, she was hydrated. Then she went to the Dollar Tree for a short time. Found what she was looking for (flowers, wind chime & figurine for GrandAnn’s grave; plus Halloween deco). She came home and rested, after having a hotdog & some fries.
Wed & Thurs, were hard on her. She slept a lot, and her stomach wasn’t agreeing with her those days. She saw her sisters, Karie & Karen, they stayed a while talking ... it was good for her. Then she talked with Eric’s family for some time, she was just so excited. She loved seeing Eric, Cate, Yanni & Jayden ... she talked about it for a while. Even told Dad a lot of the conversation. Those two visits & the Web cam chat were really great for her. There was a slight problem getting some of her meds, but the lady at Dillions worked with them, so she got the right ones. (such a relief for Dad, Mom & me)
Friday, Cathy McA stop by. Those two were like kids in a candy store. So much to talk about, and both left with smiles and a little teary-eyed. But today she is up and moving again. She has eaten, taking her meds ... and seems to be having a great day!

This weekend, Mom is gonna try to get out to GrandAnn’s grave. She was gonna go watch Allie’s volley ball game, but has to follow Dr orders about being around people – she cannot chance getting sick, so she cannot go. She was so disappointed, but has accepted that there will be times she cannot do exactly what she wants to .... She is handle it better than I expected. Dad is more worried about it than both Mom & I, but he has good reasons to be. It’s his wife that he is looking out for ... you have to love him for that.

I will try to keep you all updated, but sometimes I won’t be able to do so that day ... so look for weekly reports, they are much easier.

3 months

My dad called, but he also sent an email. Life is just tearing us a part …

There is no easy way to say this, so I will just lay out the facts as we were told.

They were able to identify the primary source of the cancer as being in her bile duct. It is a very aggressive type of cancer and is in its advanced stages in her liver. As you know it is classified as stage IV liver cancer. This disease carries a very poor survival of less than 3 months. But that is a worse case scenario. Hopefully the chemo will be able to slow the progress of the cancer and give her more time.

Right now the clinic is going thru the paperwork drill with TRICARE to ensure they will pay for everything. Once that is done we will be notified of a date to start her chemo treatments. She will go in for the chemo one day and then back the next day to get IVs to flush her system. This will be repeated the following week and then she will get a weeks break before beginning the cycle all over again.

For now Mom is pretty much in a state of shock and trying to adjust to what she has been told today. Please hold any calls until maybe tomorrow to give her time to compose herself and maybe get some rest. She is sleeping right now, as the news we were given has left her mentally and physically drained.

If any of you want/need to talk to me I will be home the rest of today. I am sorry to have to be the one to tell you this horrible news.

Dad

"Close to You " book link

http://browseinside.harperteen.com/index.aspx?isbn13=9780062081056

I am NOT Satan’s SPAWN

I am ready to pull my freaking hair out. BECAUSE no matter how NICE or POLITE I try to be, I always end up with “You are mad at us, aren’t you?”
I am pleasant. I have NOT yelled or used rude language. I EVEN completely EXPLAIN why I have been in touch. But every time I get that “mad” bull and then have to listen while someone who is UPSET fusses and throws a fit.
Last time I checked, as a PARENT, you should always DOUBLE check what is told to you. That way there is NO misunderstandings. Which in this case, there was a MISUNDERSTANDING.

When my oldest gave me some info, he did not have it exactly correct. So, it was a good thing that I did CHECK to make sure it was correct. Instead of being mature, I ended up dealing with two people who seem to be out to make me look like Satan’s SPAWN or some other freaked out DEMON.
No I am not “mad” over this, I simply disappointed in the immature behavior of adults. It really just saddens me.

I have been sick for over a week. Just got into see my new dr last week. PLUS my granddaughter has been sick, she passed it to me (awww so sweet right?). So, on one of the days I was feeling some what decent, I tried to figure out what was going on. I texted one of the people because I was not feeling up to talking to anyone. I was still coughing & did not have the energy to hold any type of conversation.
Straight up direct question, no bitchiness or demon-waves in the message. Then I get a call from an angry person because I guess for some reason “I was mad.” Now, I had texted & EVEN called the person who thought I was upset. I left the person a voice mail letting her know I was NOT upset, angry, mad … I was just double checking.
I was running a fever. Coming down with chills. I could not keep food in my system. Why on earth would I be “mad” when I simply wanted to DOUBLE check what I was told by my son? (cause there was some miscommunication in what my son told me … and I even double checked it with my son)

So to clear matters up with the world … I am not Satan’s SPAWN, some freaked out DEMON, or out to make ANYONES life miserable. I am simply a MOTHER who has the intelligence to DOUBLE check what is told to her!

What I really hate about medical problems

Over the last few years I went from decently healthy to massive medical problems. I guess I had them before but they were not officially diagnosed. Now, it seems like every time I see my dr. I end up with yet another issue to add .
I have or have had:

• Stroke
• fibromyalgia
• arthritis
• bulging disk in my back & neck
• migraines
• ulcers
• depression
• PFO
• low-iron anemia
• blood pressure issues (too low on a normal basis; too blasted high when I get upset)
• stress (far too much according to my doctors)
• panic attacks
• anxiety issues
• slight allergy to the sun (sunscreen doesn’t even help)
• allergic to morphine (so freaking annoying)
• bone growths on the back of both knees
• bladder issues (yep, it even happens to us younger folks)
• sleeping problems
• nerves problems (like not being able to use arms or legs)
• bruising all over body
• loss of hair (do to meds I am on, as well as medical problems)
• acid reflux

LOL it’s bad when you forget a ton of items that you have been diagnosed with. But honestly, it is really bad to be afraid to see your doctor when you know he is going to give you more issues to learn to deal with.

I have told my doctor that one time I would enjoy seeing any of them as long as they provided me with positive news. He just laughed and said I was always an interesting patient … really??? One who DOES NOT want medical problems. One who is now more afraid of seeing my doctors. One who is scared of what they will tell me next. How does that make me “interesting”???? In my opinion, that makes me a fearful patient, definitely not interesting.
But I guess in there case, they are getting to use all the medical training. Which means I am “interesting” to them. I cannot hate them because they are great doctors, and they are always honest with me when I see them. They do not do  give me that bull where they … what’s the correct word or phrase? … treat me like a person who will simply crash from hearing the news they have to give me. They are direct and straight up with me, which I am grateful for. They do not treat me like a porcelain doll that will just crumb if touch wrong. Trust me I have seen doctors treat patients like the were fragile. Treat them as though they would simply crumble from the news they were given.

My parents taught us that you have to accept what the news. You can get upset over it. You can get sad or depressed over it. But you have to learn about what you have. You have to learn to laugh about it, and accept it. Because in the end, there is not much else you can do … except ignore it.
Ignoring your medical problems do not make them go way. It makes your life harder. I recently learned that. I was honest, told people I had a stoke. I told them, but did not let them know just how much I lost when it occurred. I did not tell them, the closest of my friends or even my family, know the actual severity of it. I was embarrassed, and ashamed because I truly did not remember so much about these people who were close to me. I had some feelings where I knew that some of these people were trustworthy and others I was uncomfortable around. Some of the people in my life, I have since learned why. Others I am still learning more about.

Guess the title of this blog should be something else. But honestly, for me it fits. Because I really do hate my medical problems. They cause me to avoid being close to people like I was before. They prevent me from doing a lot of things. Even chores around the house, you know vacuuming … that can take me over an hour to do. Because I get so exhausted from it. Exercising makes me feel amazing, but will put me in bed for a few days. Which really bites because I end up with so much energy, but my body itself crashes. Playing outside with my granddaughter, I can do a little but then have to rest. Hiking, which is so much fun, but afterwards my body crashes if I “over do it.”
”Over doing” is a phrase I really dislike. Today, I was looking for my router disk to set up my computer with our home router (love wireless … gives me more freedom that sitting at a desk). So I was cleaning up the computer area in our home. I got so tired, and I was not even finished cleaning & organizing. I had to stop. Went out back to talk with my son, stood up and the world started spinning around me … my husband had to help me get back inside because I was afraid I was going to collapse. There was NO WAY I was going to have to get my son to carry me inside. That is just way to embarrassing, for me that is.

See, my family seems to understand & accept that I have the medical problems I have quicker than I do. They are patient, but at times they do get a little irritated. After all, it sucks when you cannot take your child to the gym. Or go bike riding, hiking, fishing, swimming … or half a million other things that are fun to do with family. Sure movie nights are great, or board/card games are fun. But what kid wants to do them all the time? Even I get tired of playing them or watching movies/TV shows all them time. I love going hiking with my family. I enjoying going fishing with them. But even they know that “over doing it” prevents me from doing other things with them. And yes, I can “over do it” playing board/card games.

I guess, in many ways, I am one of the luckiest people on the planet. Simply because of the understanding, compassion, love and support that I received from my family. I really helps me so much that they do understand, even with they get irritated. Because without them, my life would be so much harder.
So while I truly hate my medical problems, I have the greatest family when it comes down to dealing with all the issues that seem to find their way to me.

I am learning to accept all my medical problems, and I will laugh at them. After all, if you do not find a way to laugh … you will live in misery. I prefer happiness, love, enjoyment. Misery can go find someone else. I just wish some people understood the concept of why you should laugh … it makes accepting so much easier.

How I handled MY anger

Friday, well it was horrid, something I will NEVER go though again.

Instead of sinking to that level, I turned around and left. Now once I was outside, far from those inside, I mumbled a large variety of negative things about the behavior of a man I HAD respected.
I have found that you can talk to some people. I have found that there are people that refuse to listen. But in the end, it all comes down to common sense, compassion, maturity, calmness, tact and a whole lot of listening. Not hearing but listening to what a person says. And if you do not understand, then you should ask questions … not get upset.

No I am not a person who is looking to give the world peace. I am simply a person who said something, and got attacked over it. I am a person who had the common sense to listen & observe the individual actions as well as facial expressions. I was the person who really did want to smack him across the face … Instead, I spun and left.
Just because someone does stupid things like that, it does not mean I have to. I called it “stupid” because it was. The behavior, the facial expressions, the body actions and (by worse) the angry.

See, had I said something about how he talked to me, there would have been one heck of a family WAR. I am not that petty, so I left. But the second I walked out that door, I had only one grandparent living.
Family should use all the above items I listed for communication and preventing arguments/attacks. It is truly a shame when they don’t, it destroys them.

Well, I am tired. It has been one heck of an emotional weekend for me. I finally got the tissue box put aside (but close incase I need it). Now I am going to watch a movie, and then get some well needed sleep (nothing like being up for almost 48 hrs to kick your butt )
I hope you all have had a better weekend that I have!!! Later

Yesterday I lost my GrandDad … but he’s still alive

There was a post on FB where my Mom’s dad (he use to be my GrandDad) told Mom not to worry about the blood sugar and the rest of her medical problems. He told her that she has to stop thinking about herself, to stop being “me-centered” and that she need to start thinking about others.
The problem with this is my Mom was posting what was going on, but joking about it. She believes that working through hard issues should require laughter & joking. She has been working with handling a broken foot, blood pressure issues & pulse issues, and recently diabetes. She has joked about these, but keep her family involved. Sadly, her father did not see it that way.
I posted a tactful, respectful, and polite post explaining this to him. I told him that we were raised to handle situations, but to also find a way to laugh at them. Which has helped us eventually deal with them. Plus it keeps us from being over stressed. My Dad taught my Mom, and they both taught my brothers & I. I even told him that I loved him.

Yesterday, just before 5:14PM (the time my husband called after the event) I walked into his home. He was ranting to his son Chris, and probably Karyl (who cause so many freaking problems). Chris sound like he was trying to reason with him, by telling him we basically do things differently and did not mean to upset him. Well, Mom & Dad stopped, but I went straight to him. I was going to give him a hug, because I know he has been going through so much with the death of GrandAnn (his wife & my grandmother).
The second he saw me, he started in on how he was not going to listen to any more about the FB post. I tried to interrupt by telling him I just wanted to give him a hug. But he kept ranting and cursing at me … yes, the man who is suppose to be my grandfather decided to curse me up one side & down the other plus he told me it was MY fault (????how) that he was back on some medication, that he was off of. In this process, he told me to leave his home. I spun, crying by then (viewed by Chris, who did nothing & my parents) and left the house. He was still yelling at me, treating me like I was nothing. Like I had no right to say anything that he did not agree with or like (basically kiss his ass). When I got close to the door I loudly stated “Good-bye GrandDad.” (he wears hearing aides but they do not work) I walked straight out, refusing to be talked to in that manner.(creating on hades of a migraine … should have told him “Thanks, for the I migraine BECAUSE I run the risk of another STROKE each time I go through one.” That would have only pissed him off even more!)
When he verbally attacked me, and when I was facing my Mom, I saw that he tore her apart by attacking me. Each word out of his mouth shredded her heart; her love for him, her respect for him, the compassion she had for him … everything a father should mean to a child simply died.
I light up a cig and began to walk back to Hutch, but as soon as I hit the stop sign, I started to go back, figured my parents would be worried. Then I figured my parents could pick me up along the way. Instead, they came out of the house, I headed back to the car.
During this time you can hear my Mom’s father yelling, and I was out in the road. Plus you can here Karyl yelling. Not once did I hear my parents raise there voices. One the way out my Dad said “Jesus F*cking Christ” to which Karyl threated to basically beat his ass … what a joke that was. (I would have pulled up a chair, and at pop corn while my Dad (who does not hit a woman) would have defended himself & made her suffer.)
Mom was crying when she got to the car, and had been crying inside the house as well. I do not know what he said to her, but she began crying when she saw him attack me.

But I am proud of myself. Instead of stooping to their level, I walked away. I refused to listen to a person (no matter how old they are or how much respect they believe they should have) insult, degrade, curse, disrespect me or treat me like I was nothing. I have been through hades and back in my life, but I have always managed to get through it. I have worked hard to be a decent (good) person.
But in the end, he tore my heart apart. I have been in that person’s life for 39 years. I am his 1st grandchild, and his 1st granddaughter. I am the child of his daughter, who has been in his life for 59 years. I have gone out of my way to visit him over the last 3 months (yep, I have been in this area for 3 months, leaving my husband to care for our children … cause Mom has to have someone here for her. Dad works, and cannot take this time off … or he does not get paid)
I cried all the way back to my parents house. I tried to stop, because it was hurting my Mom. She kept getting more and more upset & worried because of how much I was crying. I tried to stop, or cover my mouth so she could not hear me. It just did not work because of the pain he caused in me, the tears simply kept coming. The only time I could not completely bawl my head off, was when my husband called. I got to talk to my granddaughter & him. He knew something was wrong, but I told him I just could not discuss it at this time (what I did not tell him was that it would have had me crying my eyes out worse than I already had been). But he knew something was wrong … I love him so much for understanding! I finally began to stop crying because my Mom kept apologizing for this!!! She did nothing wrong, but she was apologizing because she NEVER wanted me to see this. (I guess my brothers have seen it, but I do not know about me … when I had my stroke it took away a lot of my memories) I kept telling her that it was NOT her fault, that I NEED to see this because this is the true individual who claimed to love me. I NEEDED to know the type of person he was, as well as who Karyl was (but had a good idea, since she has not talked to me the ENTIRE time I have been here … sweet actions for an aunt, huh?). I told her I NEED to know the truth about these people, because I have children and a granddaughter … who NEVER need to be put through that type of touchier, heart break, pain or treated like they are nothing.
I gave my Mom a hug, and then went to the room I am staying in. I changed into my PJ’s. I put Mom’s extra ash tray, my book, my Puff’s kleenex, my cigs & lighter on the bed. I had, also, put the MP3 player (my son gave me) plus connection cord to computer, thumb-drive, my camera, my purse & my laptop … all on the bed. I went to refill my glass of sweet DECAF tea, took my evening pills.I went down stairs because I heard my parents talking, about the situation & me. I told Mom I would be ok, that I was hurt, disappointed & angry. That I did not understand why this was such an issue with her father. Then Mom said she was going to return the glucose monitor that her father gave her. I  After a bit, I went to refill my tea, and Dad asked me if I wanted to go get a microwave for Mom (since theirs is not working). I said sure, I needed to pic up more cigs & sunflower seeds … he laughed and told me sorry he forgot to get them. I went to change back into my clothes, got ready to go & went.
Dad talked to me a bit about this entire situation. He told me this is how they usually are. EVEN he apologized, saying I did NOT need to see this. I told him, as I told my Mom, that I NEEDED to see this. Finally we got to the store. He got the microwave, and I got my sunflower seeds (cigs are too expensive there). He told me we would stop by gas station so I can get them. And I am so proud of my Dad. He was so supportive with Mom & me, he was understanding & compassionate about all of this. He did not even get upset that I had come close to chain smoking. But he got upset with my Mom’s family for causing her the stress to basically be chain smoking. We got my cigs, and came back home. He brought in new microwave, I told Mom to come up to see the huge thing and she hobbled up the stairs with her foot that is BROKEN in 5 (yes, 5) places. Instead of being happy, she look like the world had actually started ending. She watched him set it up, filled up her drink and then headed back downstairs, I told her she got the perfect housewife’s gift … a dozen peach roses, stuffed teddy bear & a microwave. She said she was grateful but was so hurt she could not be joyful over it.
I went downstairs. I sat beside her, told her that Dad brought home a dozen peach roses & stuffed teddy bear (which is adorable!!) earlier today to show her that no matter what he was there for her & loved her dearly. Then he took a bit of extra time to get the microwave. She told me she could not get happy because she could not believe what happened at her father’s home. That she was so devastated & her heart torn to pieces that she could not even find a smile. I told her that no matter what, she could not let them take the joy of the love & compassion Dad was giving her. (My Dad did not get upset, because he understood the pain she was going through.) She, also, apologized (yes, again) to me, that she was sorry that I had to go through that & actually see that. She was, also, worried about her grandchildren & great granddaughter because she would NEVER allow them to go through this. She said that they will NOT be allowed around her side of the family, but that would (also) hurt them because they would not know those people. NOT KNOW THOSE PEOPLE, hello … if they would tear me apart, then they would go after my children, my granddaughter, my niece & nephews. There was NO WAY I was going to allow them around those people. She cried, I cried & we hugged each other. I tried so hard to comfort her, but it was like hitting a wall … she was so upset, angry, disappointed, & devastated. She could not believe that her father would verbally attack me over something that was not disrespectful, rude, obnoxious, harsh … or any negative word you can come up with. She could not believe he would attack his own granddaughter, her daughter. She could not believe that he would take offense in what was said, because it was not attacking him in any way … it was just an explanation (plain & simple). She could not believe what he said to her, or what they did not my Dad. I have never seen her this torn up over what her family has done to her (and they have pulled some harsh things on her). I told her I would be ok, that my children, granddaughter, niece & nephews would be ok … but she believes they will miss out on knowing that family. No, they will miss out on the pain they will cause … something I will NEVER allow to happen.
I went up stairs, changed back into my PJ’s, then I texted my husband to see if he could talk. My granddaughter was still up, so I just texted him what happened, a brief note. While I was doing that he called, which I rejected because I wanted him to read what I said, then call me. Which my simply amazing husband did.
By then I was getting trash ready to take out. So, bundled up to go outside to put trash in large can. I was talking to him about this … trying so hard not to cry, but did. I had to try to stop because I had to go back inside to get my drink, tissue box, cigs & lighter. I asked my husband several times how to handle this. I told him that my Dad, my GrandPa, my brothers & he would never do this. I told him that his family never treated me in this fashion, that they should me love. I ended up using 1/4 a box of tissue. (I had to stop talking at one point, because Dad had to leave to go train the new guy at work.) While I was talking to him, I began picking up all the sticks in the yard, smoking like a blasted chimney (which I definitely did not need to do). After that, I quietly went back inside to get gloves because my fingers were FROZEN, and I had to use the bathroom. (Horrid mistake, putting hand with arthritis into hot water … my head spun and the pain was horrid) Then I went back out, I told my husband that I should not have asked him how to handle this situation (several times) because he has NEVER had to go through this. (Yes, I even double check on that.) I told him I was sick of bawling, it made me feel like a wimp. So, my wonderful husband put my granddaughter on the phone … she had me smiling after a few minutes. I got to talk to her, and listen to her new words (plus tons of jibber jabber). Then we talked about how our boys were doing, and I was so impressed (they are amazing sons). I then went inside, talking to my husband and granddaughter, and began cleaning my Mom’s kitchen. (cleaning is something I do when I am really upset. I talked to him for almost 2 1/2 hours (if not more). By just about 1am, I was done with Mom’s kitchen but I still have to vacuum, which I will do later today because Dad came home … and he needs his rest. (I did get to talk to my daughter for a short time)

Since then I have pretty much been in “my” room. I was reading earlier while computer was downloading programs I wanted. A couple times I went to see Mom, having her tell me to sleep – as if that will happen. Currently, with the emotions I am dealing with plus the migraine & tense back muscles … sleep I want, but I cannot reach.

I would to have an answer to how to handle this … but there is not one out there. After all, don’t most grandkids love their grandparents? Right now, I just want today to disappear, just like it never happened. But with all reason, I really NEEDED to see who these people truly are … and Mom has 2 sisters & 2 brothers who were not here, which means we shall have hades to pay. I have decided that if they show up on my parents property, I am gonna kick them off. If that does not work, I will call police to handle it. I truly want NOTHING to do with anything they have to say on this situation.
I buried my GrandAnn Jan 30th. Today, I lost my grandfather … by his choice. He told me to leave his home, and will never understand that people have different personalities. I have one grandfather left, my GrandPa (who would NEVER do this). I have NEVER felt like an outcast when I am around them.

So now I am gonna read my book, & try to relax. Later today or sometime this coming week, I am gonna try figure out a way to overcome this situation … and find away to get over the pain it has caused (ha ha de freaking ha). I have to watch clock so I can take meds for the migraine, it just will not go away. Now to relax, so my head will clear because I really need a clear head to get through this.

What a wonder freaking day in the world …

Good-bye GrandAnn

There are so many ways to describe a woman who touch so many lives.

I love you & appreciate everything you taught me, GrandAnn

Jo-Ann Lamb Husband & Descendants VIEW SLIDE SHOW DOWNLOAD ALL

To her final resting place

 

Her family

GrandAnn, GrandDad, my sons & granddaughter VIEW SLIDE SHOW DOWNLOAD ALL

(these are not in order, except the videos)

Music that have touched my grief

I just heard Over you by Miranda Lambert. Now it is about losing a personal loved one. The way she sings this song it is like she is singing your own pain. It is simply amazing, she finds a way to touch others with music like this. There is no other way to explain it.
Hearing these song actually helped me remember a little bit more of my GrandAnn. Because she talks about little things that most people forget to remember. Those little things helped me remember those little things I thought I didn’t have. I know there are memories I will never recover, but the little bits. (The house that built me)
I remember being with her when Ma’am was visiting … her, I have little memories of, which saddens me … GrandAnn loved us being there. She would talk about all the things we missed, our Aunts & Uncles, as well as our cousins. She talked about GrandDad a lot, she was so proud of him and you could see the love had for him. That was the love that I truly wanted, and found with my husband.
Plus some the items she made for us. Dresses, blankets … she seemed to love to sew her grandchildren clothes. Those were the only dresses I ever wore just because I knew she made them with love.
I remember her working for a paper. Typing up her items. Helping GrandDad when he needed her with the Lamb Funeral home.
I wish I remember more … but in life, we do not get that option we get to choose on. So, we listen to others stories that others tell, and enjoy what they have to say. We tell our tales, and they enjoy just as we did. Sharing memories is one of the best things a person could do … that is how we learn from others. That is where we learn history a bit closer to home. After all, each person creates history; they effect it in their own way.

I can only hope that I make a positive influence. But I am still learning every day … so who knows what tales my descendants will share about me.